AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

It sounds like you have ended up as her safest, most stable adult figure. Is it also a power play, like when a stepchild always insists on sitting in the front of a car, and the stepmother is forced to sit in the back?

I think I would be tempted to give it as little air as possible. "Maisie, you're not the boss of this family, you don't get to tell adults what to do." Then move on. Let her sulk if she wants to.

You should give up all drinking in front of her at least.

I'm sorry, but I think this is really bad advice. Not just because it majorly infringes OPs personal rights, but because a 10 year old should not be given the responsibility that comes with changing the behaviour of the adults who care for her - it puts a huge amount of pressure on her.

This child seems to be very self-aware for a 10 year old - so she does know when her behaviour is sub-optimal (shall we say - I'm trying to avoid labels like "bad"). I think she needs a lot of kindness and understanding - as @FattyMallow says above, try to listen without reacting badly; and maybe, when she's calm, try to help her think how she might manage situations differently.

I really don’t think a GP or Social Worker would label someone as a drinker, just because an anxious 10 year old thinks they are?

You must think about it as a legal challenge as it seems there's some coaching going on. You should give up all drinking in front of her at least. You don't need the hassle of being registered by GP, school or child services as a drinker (which obviously you're not) as this'll mess up your future if you decide to have the children of your own. Your husband will have to speak to her to set boundaries she cannot cross. Do not cajole but don't act fed up, listen to her and calmly, without bad emotions and point out when she's wrong. She's your responsibility too therefore you have a strong say in her behaviour.

@Klaap you sound like a very caring person and I hope you find resolution to this.

It's so much more difficult for you when it's not your own child and she doesn't live with you full time.

If I had a suggestion it would be, can you ignore the sulky behaviour and just continue as normal? You could even try telling her that's what you're doing, as in "I can see you're feeling grumpy but that isn't going to change xyz" and leave her to crack on.

I do think you're right about her being stuck in a negative spiral - the bad behaviour makes her feel bad, which drives more bad behaviour. Could you perhaps try something like "oh, I see grumpy Sally has appeared, can I talk to happy Sally?" ?

She seems neurodivergent

This should have been nipped in the bud immediately. She has no right to dictate when an adult should enjoy a drink or not.

It sounds like she'd benefit from some counselling. She's clearly got feelings she can't process in a healthy way and it's coming out in her behaviour and making everyone unhappy, her included.

Funny you say this - DS has a massive problem with me drinking the very occasional glass of wine and he is autistic.

Ofc it's unreasonable to let a child dictate what or how much others eat or drink, but I'd be very concerned why it happens. She's used to the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of frequent drinkers and hasn't realized that most people can enjoy a couple drinks without problem.

"I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk"

Like it had others that part tripped me up a bit. You wouldn't ask your husband that if you had been only a bit tipsy. The most likely explanation is that she's given up on her mum and now scared you'll end up like her given that her family seems to have a problem with alcohol.

It's sad but not your problem. Codependence in children like buying their mom alcohol and controlling others' drinking needs to be addressed professionally.

Maybe humour her on one occasion to show she is being heard and seen by someone she trusts. You only drink 4 times a year with meals so it's not essential to your enjoyment of holidays anyway, but it might make a world of difference to the child.

Gonna throw this in as a curve ball, but is there any chance she has OCD on top of anxiety?

I've had OCD since early childhood, and from around 7/8 I kept asking people not to go out in the car because I thought they'd die, and if they did go out, I'd walk around with my chin pressed to my chest as I thought that would keep people safe.

I think it's a weird request from a 10 year old regardless. Obviously you should continue to drink and you aren't BU, but I'd personally be very curious about this and why she feels that way. I don't think a 10 year old would tell you to stop and be 'moody' to willfully control you in this scenario.

I hate anyone drinking around me, it unnerves me due to having someone drink and turn nasty, that was years ago but I back away if someone's drinking, I'd rather go home and be away from them. I'd sit her down and have a chat, ask her why she dosn't like anyone having a drink and what's happened for her to think like that. I'd guess someone's scared her when they've had a drink. Be kind and at least try to find out the reason.

I also wonder if school has taught them alcohol = bad, or somewhere along the line that is what she has in her head. I actually think it's healthy to show that you can have dinner and a glass of wine, have a laugh and a good time together and enjoy it responsibly. I think it's good to demonstrate this behaviour for when they become of age. Too much restriction followed by binge drinking in this country.
I found it odd when my son questioned me for having a glass of wine, and felt I had to justify my decisions!

If it was from school teaching that alcohol is to be avoided, then SD would be asking everyone around her to stop drinking, not just OP. This is specifically focused on OP.

As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

This is a 10 year old trying to control an adult's behaviour. It sounds like if OP has a drink or 2, she's afraid SD will give her the silent treatment for a couple of days. The silent treatment is a tactic she using to try to control OP. It's an abuse tactic and that's not acceptable.

It's really good that your husband has supported you in this and he needs to continue that. If she's getting help for her anxiety, I think he needs to be telling whoever she's having therapy with about this and it needs to be addressed ASAP as well as the jealousy of her kids OP briefly mentioned.

Yes!!! I was going to say that she sounds just like my DS at that age. He was diagnosed at 14 with autism (he doesn’t mind if I have a drink now.) x

Based on your updates OP, I wouldn’t drink around her (if it were me).

It does seem as if it’s related to feeling unsafe.

My first instinct is that school have given her class a lesson on alcoholism and it’s scared her. From memory some of them used to be very heavy handed, and a sensitive child is easily going to experience a lot of fear watching people they love do something that they’ve been told is dangerous to their health. Is there a way you can put the relative risks of the occasional glass of wine on a special occasion compared to regular drinking into perspective for her?

I'd say dsd is far too knowledgeable of alcohol abuse and drunkenness for a 10yo. Something traumatic must've happened for her to be being like this. Sounds like her mother is an alcoholic, which explains dsd's attitude to anyone else drinking.

Sounds like this is a cry for help. By trying to control you is her trying to take control of something, not necessarily alcohol, but it's more than viable. She needs a good talking session so she is understood, but she does not get to control you or your choices and you need to stand ultra firm on this

My kids aren’t fans of people drinking. There are several reasons. My ex’s family are all big drinkers and when they visit them the adults often have a few drinks and the kids get sent off to a room where more often or not they’re bored- scrolling devices. I’m not sure anyone’s been so drunk in front of them that there’s been an issue though.

My youngest is also emetophobic and dos link excessive drinking with being physically sick. She knows her dad has been drunk to the point where he’s been sick in the past. He probably does it now but not around them. They’ve heard the stories. I’m not tea total an haven’t drunk since I was sick when teen drinking back in the day. That story often comes out by grandparents who think it’s funny. Same with story about their dad choking in his sleep as he was sick. Again many years ago in younger days. But more recently I’ve been friends with other mums at a hobby by daughter attends and we often drop kids and go for a cuppa. When it was a Sunday morning one of the mums often had a hangover, was even sometime running off to be sick. We then got invited to a big birthday party for one of the mums and my daughter pint blank refused to go as she knows the mums drink to the point the can be sick and she doesn’t want to be near any one who might possibly throw up!!

I don’t drink due to my younger experiences and generally the fact that it makes me feel dreadful. So they don’t ever wort about that from me. My family do like a drink but mostly a glass of of wine or beer with a meal. We had a family party recently for someone on my side of the family and alcohol was available and people did have a few drinks but my kids don’t seem bothered by it.

I know when they went away wit their dad over the summer my youngest did ask dad not to drink at all whilst they were away. I can’t remember whether he did or not in the end but he did promise that if he had a drink it would be one with a meal.

She sounds like a child who feels scared and very vulnerable when her mother drinks; and that her step-mum (OP) has become her 'safe' person. She is then really worried at the prospect of OP having something to drink. She needs to feel safe, and her fear of people drinking alcohol takes that safety away. It needs to be handled carefully, but I don't think she's being controlling.

I would be worried about where this has come from tbh. You guys (well, her mum and dad) need to get to the bottom of that asap. As for a short term fix for your holiday, I think maybe just… tell a fib? It’s a mocktail, it’s a non alcoholic beer, it’s just grape juice. Not a long term solution but so you can enjoy your holiday.

Hopefully in a few years when she’s asking you to buy her drink for a house party you can bring this up and laugh about it. At her age I said I’d never drink, never smoke, and if smelled weed I would call the police immediately… my mum and dad love to bring it up whenever I’ve got a pint in my hand.