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Original poster

AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

261 replies

Klaap · 22/03/2026 16:15

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

OP posts:
Catcatcatcatcat · 22/03/2026 16:24

Does her father drink? Is that allowed?

No, I would tell her she doesn’t get to dictate whether I drink or not and to go off and sulk if she wants.

Justkeepswimmiing · 22/03/2026 16:23

I'd look into why she thinks alcohol is bad. You've asked DH but he may not be aware of something she's experienced. Or she could feel ashamed about something. I'd gently try and unpick the reason that she has this irrational anxiety. You could ask chat gpt to write a social story for her in the style of carol grey. About how it is ok for 1 or 2 glasses of wine or beer to be drunk on holiday with a meal. This will generate a brilliant social story, ideal for children aged 10ish x

KatsPJs · 22/03/2026 16:22

Does she mind her dad drinking? In any case, I would have one final conversation with her at home and ask her to explain her reasoning, then make it clear that she does not get to dictate what you drink. Doing anything else would set the precedent that she can make demands of you which is likely to cause issues as she grows up and in all likelihood will think she can make other demands.

Lincslady53 · 22/03/2026 16:22

Record her telling you not to drink to play back to her in 7 or 8 years.

Hatty65 · 22/03/2026 16:22

Well, I wouldn't have spent my wedding day coaxing a child who was annoyed I'd had two glasses of wine, and I'm teetotal.

I'm much more likely to say briskly, 'You can be as silly as you like, Maisie, but I'm an adult and not going to be dictated to by a sulking 10 year old. It's ridiculous for a child to believe they can decide how adults should behave, particularly over something as trivial as having the odd glass of wine'.

And there would be consequences for ignoring me and behaving badly. She doesn't rule the roost.

PonyPatter44 · 22/03/2026 16:22

She is being unreasonable, of course, but have you asked her why she is so worried about people drinking around her? Does she behave in the same way around DH, if he has a glass of wine? What else does she get worked up about?

At the end of the day, i think you've said exactly the right thing - you wont get drunk around her, but she doesn't get to control what you eat and drink.

Createausername1970 · 22/03/2026 16:21

Well, no, you shouldn't be controlled by a 10 year old.

But I would want to get to the root of where her anxiety around this is coming from if it's appeared out of nowhere.

Does her mum have a new partner who drinks? Or maybe mum drinks too much sometimes?

SemiSober · 22/03/2026 16:20

Klaap · 22/03/2026 16:15

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not?

I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler.

DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk.

I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you.

The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood?

She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

This may sound like a ‘reach’ but children/ teens who I have heard of doing this were later diagnosed with autism. It’s a prime example of ‘black and white’ thinking and alcohol is a common trigger for it.

DarkForces · 22/03/2026 16:20

I agree with you. It doesn't sound like she's has any traumatic experiences around alcohol so her reaction seems more about control than upset. Showing children how to drink responsibly makes sense and I wouldn't be letting a child of any age dictate how much I drink.

TheKeatingFive · 22/03/2026 16:19

This is crazy, of course she shouldn't dictate your behaviour here.

Evaka · 22/03/2026 16:18

You know the answer but absolutely, you are not being unreasonable. Is there someone in her extended family who is scary when they drink?