AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

This is crazy. Don’t let her dictate your behaviour otherwise she’ll do it forever. Tell her to stop.

first answer nails it....or has someone else made an untrue comment about your alcohol consumption? I am also going to say its an odd controlling thing for her to say to you "because I feel unsafe" Could she have been coached by somebody?

I think sometimes kids just get things out of perspective. As I child I was worried about cancer because I’d heard my grandmother talking about how you get it so I worried it would happen to my Mum . My SD worried about us going in the sea because of sharks . There doesn’t necessarily have to be a deep seated reason for her worry but you and her father shouldn’t be letting it control your behaviour

Tell her it’s non alcoholic wine lol! I was this 10 year old and it drove my parents absolutely mad.

looking back now in my 40s I can understand that it happened because I saw my dad get very drunk (once!) on holiday and I got really jealous because he hardly paid us any attention (and still doesn’t) but yet he was laughing and laughing away to this new guy he’d just met. I remember feeling outraged, jealous, angry, and thinking he looked so stupid lolling around drunk like that. So then I made a big thing about being teetotal and wouldn’t even touch a wine glass and objected very very loudly and annoyingly to whenever either of my parents drank. Which they did a fair bit of socially, it was the 90s. They didn’t stop at all, they just rolled their eyes at me or got angry at me or wanted to record it to play it when I was 18. They never sat me down for a chat about why, and I don’t think I wud have even known. But looking back it was just because they didn’t really show that they loved me in a way I understood - ie paid attention to me, especially my dad.

I got over it and drank myself when I grew up. It was definitely a control thing rather than anything else. I knew I was driving them crazy and that gave me a tiny bit of power.

I don’t know if she will understand her reasoning herself at that age, so you might just have to have patience, reassure her nothing is going to happen, and let it pass. And she’s not even your daughter, so this is not your responsibility, but it might help to make sure her mum and dad are spending quality time with her.

it’s just an idea anyway, she might not be the same as me at all! But hope it makes you feel better that she will come out normal in the end!

First thought: who or what has triggered this for her? Is it her mum or a boyfriend of her mum's who she has seen drinking and behaving in a way that worried her?

Secondly, what is your husband, her dad, doing to help her through this fixation? It all seems to have fallen on you.

i completely agree with your standpoint here. what i will say (and echo another poster), this could be autism related.

i was diagnosed later in life but as a child i absolutely could not cope with my parents or adults around me drinking alcohol. i found it scary when they would talk loudly/be a bit wobbly.

obviously as an adult, i realise that’s ridiculous but as a child i would feel unsafe/uneasy, as they are usually responsible people so when you see them acting differently it can be frightening.

like i said, i am autistic so would find any changes from my routine unsettling - perhaps it could be this? xx

Have you driven after these 1 or 2 drinks? That might explain the reaction. I imagine teens are currently taught a zero tolerance attitude to drinking and driving (which is correct IMO)

It might not be down to personal experience. Some kids are just very black and white in their thinking, and also like to exert control. It’s honestly very possible that she saw something about drinking on TV or they were learning about alcohol in school or something, or even she’s had a conversation with a friend, and she’s the sort of child who has an obsessive mindset and likes to control things to feel seen, safe, or even just the centre of attention.

OP, of course you shouldn’t stop drinking alcohol because a 10-year-old sulks and kicks off. I think you and DH need to have some calm and kind conversations with her about being proportionate and how drinking in moderation is a safe thing for adults to do and that you will not be drunk around her, certainly. And I would ask her very clearly why she has started fretting about it and if she has seen or heard something that’s worried her, so you can reassure her. But have those conversations at a time when you’re not about to open a bottle of wine on holiday or whatever. Make it more neutral. And if and when she does start making a fuss again, your DH needs to be firm with her and make it clear that no, she doesn’t get to tell adults what to do, and no, she doesn’t get to sulk and scowl for hours when she doesn’t get her own way.

Your DSD's anxiety is the issue, not the very moderate levels of drinking that your post suggests. And allowing her to dictate a no-drinking policy would set up a pattern of behaviour that will do more harm in the long term. Would having a glass of wine when she's with you before the holiday get her used this?

My autistic niece was like this about smoking and alcohol around that age - she would go on and on about it. She wouldn't accept it was none of her business what choices adults made about their health and lifestyle.

She was a pain the the arse for a few years there, to be honest. (And I'm a nonsmoker so god knows how the smokers in the family felt).

Yanbu at all.

You definitely need to explore with her why she is worried about you drinking alcohol (is it only you or all adults?).

Then explain as you already have done that whilst some people can behave badly when they’re drunk, you will not do that and you are making a promise to her that you will never get drunk when she’s there. Then also explain that whilst you’ve made this promise, it’s not fair of her to tell you that you can’t drink occasionally and that you will be having a drink sometimes.

It does sound like something has got into her mind about the dangers of drinking.

I think you need a few sit down chats with her reminding her that she is safe with you and that people can and do drink at safe levels. I wonder if she is anxious about other things too and whether some counselling for her might be helpful.

In the meantime, teach her about mocktails. If the anxiety is still there when you're on holiday, then I'd be ordering mocktails for everyone (with alcohol in mine). 😎

Obviously she is unreasonable but I would also wonder where this has come from.

The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen

Tbh, that's on you. At 10, you tell them how it is and then remind them that it's not a conversation.

Does this manifest ONLY around alcohol or does she try to control other things you do - but maybe in a different way or a way that you might not realise that control is what she is doing?

You say she has anxiety and I wonder if she's trying to gain some measure of control over things that she feels she CAN control; stopping you from doing non-essential things for example. The 'no drinking alcohol' might be the tip of the iceberg.

No. She cannot dictate what you drink. But obviously if it causes her anxiety you should probably not do it openly if you can avoid it.

For example drink out of a cup or opaque water bottle so she can't see what's inside. Or try and mainly drink when she's not present.

If you were to be acting messy and drunk in sole charge of her that would be another matter.

But if you've no problems with alcohol then as an adult you shouldn't be dictated to by a child. While not wanting to cause her undue upset obviously.

I hope the therapy for her anxiety helps.

Of course she can't insist that you don't drink, but I'm puzzled by you saying "I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all." Surely, as you're a very moderate drinker, you know that you weren't falling around drink, don't you?

You're definitely not being unreasonable.
I don't drink myself but I certainly wouldn't be dictated to by a 10 year old.
You've tried to reassure her and it's not worked so ignore her moods and carry on being sensible

What is the child’s father doing to parent in this difficult situation ? It sounds as if he is leaving it to you which does not sound at all right. Are you seen by the child as the default parent ?

Does her bio mum drink, and her Dad/your DH? Is she an only child?

I remember going through a phase at same age where I would have a moan at my Dad if he had half a lager and then drove - we had seen a drinking and driving video at school and I thought we were going to have an accident and get badly hurt. I wonder if she has seen something at school and taken it to the extreme. Or this might actually be nothing to do with drinking, and more of a control thing.

My 10 year old calls me a 'wino' if I have 1 glass, but she thinks it's funny, rather than trying to stop me.

But no, you shouldn't let yourself be controlled by a 10 year old. If she chooses to be in a mood, then so be it, just let her get in with it. We find the more we try and coax our 10 year old out of a mood, the more she digs her heels in. But if we just leave her be for a while, she comes out of it much quicker. It's a funny age 10, full of hormones, going to secondary room, stuck in a place between a child and a teenager.

I’d be more interested in who or what has caused this fixation with alcohol. DH says one of his now adult nephews had it as a young teenager, and that it seems to have stemmed from a drunken uncle stumbling into his bedroom by mistake thinking it was the bathroom, with the result that he became highly anxious and kept trying to make his parents teetotal, despite them barely drinking at all.

Has DSD had some kind of bad experience in the past when someone was drunk? I remember
an occasion when I was about 8 when there was a man who was very drunk and staggering about in the street. A lot of the other kids thought it was funny but I found it scary.
Or could she be trying to cause you discomfort because she views you as an interloper between herself and her DF?
i think you’re right that it’s not good for her to start giving you the silent treatment; if it carries on into adult relationships it’s a recognised form of abuse. Perhaps you need to get her to open up about her concerns.

Does she object to her father drinking? Or her mum?

Is she y6? There are some topics on the curriculum in both science and PSHE about the negative effects of drinking (and smoking, drugs etc.), not just health related , but impairment /risk taking behaviour as well.They also could be reading some books that touch on abusive or drunken behaviour (WW2 related).Her language around it is interesting.

You're not being unreasonable of course.

But, just putting this out there, is there anyone in the family with a history of alcohol abuse? Just to understand what could be causing this.

My dad was a problematic drinker and I developed quite controlling behaviour around adults drinking as a child because I dreaded seeing him get out of control on drink.

Just wondering if its worth exploring whether she is triggered in some way by the prospect of seeing family drinking. No excuse to control very moderate alcohol consumption of course but it might explain it?

Can't your DH deal with her rudeness?