AIBU to refuse stepdaughter’s request that I never drink alcohol?

Klaap · 2026-03-22T16:15:42+00:00

Am I being unreasonable to say that my 10-year-old stepdaughter shouldn’t be able to dictate whether I drink alcohol or not? I’ve been with DH for many years and known SSD since she was a toddler. DH and are not big drinkers and they are very rarely any occasions where we would be drinking around the children. However we got married a few months ago and at our wedding my stepdaughter objected to me drinking alcohol in the evening with my meal. I had a couple of glasses of red wine (which were included with the meal) when I was eating, and she got into a mood and complained that she thought that it was dangerous for me to be drinking and that bad things are going to happen because I would be drunk. The wedding night was then spent me defending myself to her to try to cajole her out of being in a mood that nothing bad was going to happen she does have an issue with anxiety which her parents are meant to be dealing with. And I wasn’t sure if it was the wedding itself so just let this one go. However recently there was another occasion where I had ONE glass of wine socially when a friend visited us, and she also complained about that and asked me to promise that I would never drink alcohol ever again in front of her because she felt unsafe. I said no I would not promise this as I am a responsible adult but I would promise not to get drunk. I asked my husband whether I was falling around drunk or if she had had a bad experience and he said that wasn’t the case at all. I do understand that if she had witnessed me falling around drunk and being extremely intoxicated that might be distressing when we asked her she said that she thought that I was talking louder than normal and she didn’t like it. I don’t think she ever seen anyone in a state but perhaps in school they teach them alcohol can be bad? We have explained too much alcohol or too regularly it can be bad for you. The next occasion whether there may be some alcohol would be our annual 2 week family holiday to Europe where we may drink beer or wine with a meal. As she is 10, we would dine together every evening and one of the nights we are away is my birthday, so likely I might have a drink or 2, but now, what will I risk the wrath of a 10yo controlling me and going into a mood? She does have a real tendency to go into these protracted moods where she will stonewall you and refuse to tell you what’s wrong, but you know something is wrong and after 2 days of being ignored (and carrying on as normal), I end up saying enough is enough SD, stop this now it’s unkind to ignore me. I don’t think this is at all a good strategy for a child to develop this way of handling conflict and I am quite concerned, as is DH but is ‘giving in’ appropriate here?

damsondamsel · 26/03/2026 16:40

Klaap · 25/03/2026 12:17

She does not have ASD. She has anxiety and really not great coping skills with life in general.

I am going to bow out of this thread for good now as it’s completely just a waste of my time and energy.

I will take some of the rational advice about books though and I’ve ordered a feelings journal.

Sorry you've not found much help here. On the off chance that you come back and read this, here are some things that might help with talking to an anxious child:

It's natural to want to immediately 'reassure' them and dismiss their fears as silly or completely unfounded, but this won't stop an anxious child (or adult for that matter) from feeling as though their fears are real. It will just make them feel like other people don't take them seriously or don't understand the 'danger' properly.

Feeling understood might be the most important thing for her. Instead of asking her questions or minimising her fears, describe your understanding of her experience based on what she's told you: 'I see that you have a lot going on in your head, and that you are scared of..... because of..... and this makes you feel.......' Give her an opportunity to correct you if get something wrong.

You can even do an 'identity swap' exercise where you basically pretend to be her and describe her fears from a first person perspective, then ask her if it sounds accurate.

Once she feels completely understood by you, there might be a break through with connection and trust.

I don't believe that any meaningful work can be done around addressing her anxiety without this connection in place, so I would focus on building connection and bonding.

SandyHappy · 25/03/2026 15:12

Klaap · 25/03/2026 11:53

She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude, because ignoring people is rude. She isn’t being subjected to punishment, she is punishing US with silence. Being upset is part of life, but refusing to speak to people and sulking is not emotionally healthy for any one. She is MORE than encouraged to open up and speak about her feelings, in fact that’s what gets her a lot of attention at times with people saying ‘are you ok? Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?’. Sulking and stonewalling isn’t something a child should be encouraged to do, however she is given space to process her feelings and she is always allowed and never punished to TELL us what’s wrong but she often won’t tell us. She didn’t get in trouble for asking me not to drink, I reassured her!

She doesn’t have an alcoholic mum

Please stop projecting your own insanity on to me please

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She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude

You said her dad 'tells her off' when she does this, you also said she's worried she will get told off so refuses to say what is wrong.. you have already decided her expectation is unreasonable before she has even voiced it, she knows you will say she is wrong so she stays quiet instead.

Neither of us are soft touches and she knows this, so often she will pre-empt that she is likely to be told off for having an unreasonable expectation - if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it

Has it never occurred to you both to completely ignore the "bad" behaviour and praise the good? or is that parenting style too 'soft' for you? From your posts it like she is constantly being told off for not conforming to what you and her dad think she should be.. she's 10 years old.

You saying she is 'portraying herself as the victim', is quite frankly, disgusting.

VikingLady · 25/03/2026 13:56

Klaap · 25/03/2026 07:10

This is what she needs I think but she reads comic strip books and not real meaty books. I took her out to buy books and she just chose very easy reading. I wonder what books would be good?

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If you’re looking for comic strip type books that aren’t terrifying violent manga type, then there are other books if that style. My DD reads them. There are a couple of Warrior Cats books as graphic novels, and Margaret Atwood did one called Catbird. The library might have more that she could try before you spend actual money on any.

Sympathies with the issues you’re dealing with!

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 12:17

She does not have ASD. She has anxiety and really not great coping skills with life in general.

I am going to bow out of this thread for good now as it’s completely just a waste of my time and energy.

I will take some of the rational advice about books though and I’ve ordered a feelings journal.

OP posts:

Ponderingwindow · 25/03/2026 12:09

Klaap · 25/03/2026 11:53

She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude, because ignoring people is rude. She isn’t being subjected to punishment, she is punishing US with silence. Being upset is part of life, but refusing to speak to people and sulking is not emotionally healthy for any one. She is MORE than encouraged to open up and speak about her feelings, in fact that’s what gets her a lot of attention at times with people saying ‘are you ok? Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?’. Sulking and stonewalling isn’t something a child should be encouraged to do, however she is given space to process her feelings and she is always allowed and never punished to TELL us what’s wrong but she often won’t tell us. She didn’t get in trouble for asking me not to drink, I reassured her!

She doesn’t have an alcoholic mum

Please stop projecting your own insanity on to me please

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This is 100% the wrong approach for a child with certain conditions. That is why an assessment matters.

a child with ASD needs home to be a safe space where they are not required to follow silly rules like always being required to talk during meals. In our home with multiple ASD members young and old, any person can declare they are going to go eat in private if they wish with zero consequences .

we often have lively dinner conversations with interesting discussions. My ASD child isn’t being raised to not be able to participate. Giving her freedom to respect her own needs gives her confidence and makes her better able to engage in the world.

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 11:53

SandyHappy · 25/03/2026 11:12

so if we are eating together and she won’t respond to a simple enquiry DH will tell her off.

if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it (because it’s usually rude and not appropriate and she doesn’t like to get told off )

So she gets punished either way? Why would she voice anything, only to be told she's wrong or shouldn't be feeling that way? Why does your DH berate her so much??

You both seems so focused on you being 'right' and her being 'wrong', without thinking about what things are like from her point of view, as a child, her opinions aren't listened to and the silent treatment is the only control she has got.

She then sat around for 2 hours listlessly bored in a depressive state refusing to entertain herself (she has a room full of toys and books and we have a garden). I’m not going to spend 2 hours grovelling I have to work, I have a job. Then it puts me off taking her to the park as I don’t want to reward this behaviour.

So what? She's unhappy! she's allowed to feel unhappy/disappointed but then you punish her even more for feeling that way.. I think you and DH need to rethink your parenting strategies, honestly, you are expecting a 10 year old to act like an adult, and she isn't one, she's 10, I feel so sorry for her, an alcoholic mum and a dad and step mum who tell her off all the time for having feelings she can't articulate.

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She isn’t allowed to be rude, so if she refuses to speak to someone at the dinner table who asks her a question (do you want a drink) she will be told that it’s rude, because ignoring people is rude. She isn’t being subjected to punishment, she is punishing US with silence. Being upset is part of life, but refusing to speak to people and sulking is not emotionally healthy for any one. She is MORE than encouraged to open up and speak about her feelings, in fact that’s what gets her a lot of attention at times with people saying ‘are you ok? Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?’. Sulking and stonewalling isn’t something a child should be encouraged to do, however she is given space to process her feelings and she is always allowed and never punished to TELL us what’s wrong but she often won’t tell us. She didn’t get in trouble for asking me not to drink, I reassured her!

She doesn’t have an alcoholic mum

Please stop projecting your own insanity on to me please

OP posts:

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 11:49

SurdEv · 25/03/2026 10:53

Your attitude to not changing your approach to your SD is quite alarming to me.

I’m not her mum. I can’t march her down to the GP for an assessment.

I am actively seeking strategies to change my approach. Read my posts please or just step away from the thread

OP posts:

SandyHappy · 25/03/2026 11:12

Klaap · 24/03/2026 12:51

we do ignore it until it becomes rude, so if we are eating together and she won’t respond to a simple enquiry DH will tell her off. I try not to tell her off in this way as I am not her parent, but I will try to correct her or set an example of behaviour and explain things to her in an understandable way. Neither of us are soft touches and she knows this, so often she will pre-empt that she is likely to be told off for having an unreasonable expectation - if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it (because it’s usually rude and not appropriate and she doesn’t like to get told off ) but she can’t seem to process resentment, rejection or disappointment this in a healthy way, so she will retreat and punish you with silence. Adults behaving this way would be seen as emotionally abusive so DH is very keen to nip this in the bud.

She is so sensitive to any criticism, even completely unintentional. If we said we were tired, she might decide in her mind we are tired of her and she would go into the sulking mood. She sometimes is open to seeing she’s unreasonable when she comes out of the mood but she always portrays herself as the victim in every situation. I feel very sorry for her as this is not a happy way to live

this is more noticeable in the last year. So it’s not ND I don’t think

Edited

so if we are eating together and she won’t respond to a simple enquiry DH will tell her off.

if she’s holding a grudge for something very minor then she wont voice it (because it’s usually rude and not appropriate and she doesn’t like to get told off )

So she gets punished either way? Why would she voice anything, only to be told she's wrong or shouldn't be feeling that way? Why does your DH berate her so much??

You both seems so focused on you being 'right' and her being 'wrong', without thinking about what things are like from her point of view, as a child, her opinions aren't listened to and the silent treatment is the only control she has got.

She then sat around for 2 hours listlessly bored in a depressive state refusing to entertain herself (she has a room full of toys and books and we have a garden). I’m not going to spend 2 hours grovelling I have to work, I have a job. Then it puts me off taking her to the park as I don’t want to reward this behaviour.

So what? She's unhappy! she's allowed to feel unhappy/disappointed but then you punish her even more for feeling that way.. I think you and DH need to rethink your parenting strategies, honestly, you are expecting a 10 year old to act like an adult, and she isn't one, she's 10, I feel so sorry for her, an alcoholic mum and a dad and step mum who tell her off all the time for having feelings she can't articulate.

SurdEv · 25/03/2026 10:53

Your attitude to not changing your approach to your SD is quite alarming to me.

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 10:40

@celticprincess but I know it’s anxiety. I’m aware. Plus I can’t magic up a diagnosis. I am getting frustrated because everyone announcing it’s ND doesn’t actually help this child. She doesn’t have any other traits and there is no concerns, she’s really intelligent, but also anxious and we just have to try different strategies until we find something that works. Each child is individual but even tomorrow she got diagnosed… nothing would change for her.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 25/03/2026 10:15

Klaap · 24/03/2026 15:51

I absolutely agree, so when she doesn’t have the power this is what sets off the almighty sulk. It’s so frustrating when this plays out because it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy! The more she tries to control the situation the more control she loses and then the more resentment grows. Also you don’t want to reward the behaviour so she misses out on things she likes and a lot of negative attention is spent trying to cajole her. I know we are the safe space - I think at mums she’s putting on a front and then when she gets home, it all comes out

She insisted on getting rid of a lot of her toys as felt they were babyish but this means she often has nothing to do. Once she is bored the power play is worse. I try to encourage her to find things to do like crafts but she’s often so listless and miserable

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Have you pointed this out to her? She sounds quite a switched on child so might be able to understand and act on that realisation.

celticprincess · 25/03/2026 09:53

I think you’re missing the point re ND. Strategies for NT children often don’t work on ND children however strategies for ND will benefits NT.

Controlling behaviour in children does not come from a place of spite or malice. It is usually coming from a place of anxiety. Figuring out what the issue is will be the main thing to do here. How you go about it can help or make things worse.

I’m currently reading a book called The explosive child. It’s available on audible to listen to and possibly free through places like BorrowBox through your library. Whilst the OP’s child isn’t explosive I think some of the strategies would be very useful. Particularly advice around collaborating on a solution with your child after asking the right questions to get the information needed. ‘I can see you’re upset about me drinking alcohol on special occasions. Can you tell me more about why this upsets you!’ Allowing silence to process the question and saying they can take their time to answer. Not suggesting you know the reasons. It might then lead to an explanation of where the anxiety comes from. The asking if child has any suggestions as to how they can move past this without OP stopping drinking altogether. The book explains it in more detail.

But treating it anxiety, validating and coming up with a solution together or partly together would be the way forward. Accusing her of being sulky and controlling isn’t helpful.

MrsJeanLuc · 25/03/2026 08:17

Klaap · 25/03/2026 07:10

This is what she needs I think but she reads comic strip books and not real meaty books. I took her out to buy books and she just chose very easy reading. I wonder what books would be good?

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My daughter pretty much refused to read independently until she was 9 or 10. I suspect she thought that if she read for herself then I would stop reading a bedtime story with her - which of course was not the case.

What got her reading independently was Harry Potter. I didn't have time to read to her in the daytime, and she wanted to know what would happen next ...

However, there are really good "comic strip" books nowadays (I think they call them "graphic novels" 🙂) aimed at all ages. Here's a helpful list for KS2 readers

TBH, I wouldn't worry about the quality of what she's reading so long as it engages her.

Graphic novels for KS2 children aged 7-11

Recommended graphic novels for children aged 7-11 for reluctant & able readers alike - including stories by Ben Clanton & Shannon Watters.

https://schoolreadinglist.co.uk/reading-lists-for-ks2-school-pupils/graphic-novels-for-ks2-children-aged-7-11/

enidblythe · 25/03/2026 07:17

It really sounds like she s processing a lot, plus if she clashes with her mom then she s maybe feeling unlovable and putting up lots of tests for you to sss what it will take to push you away as she s feeling unworthy.

play therapy helped in our home - dd really needsd space to work through some issues. And honestly at this age they have the language but don’t understand it - so talking is just not what they need. They feel. They need to work through those feelings . She s so little her driver will her her own feelings she s not trying to control you she s seeing what will it take to make you realise she is not worthy of your love. It s find to maintain healthy boundaries for reassurance. It s so draining when as the parent it feels like you are giving and giving and it s not enough too.

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 07:10

Elsvieta · 25/03/2026 06:20

Is she much of a reader? Getting out of their own heads and into the "other world'" of books can be great for kids like this, I think.

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This is what she needs I think but she reads comic strip books and not real meaty books. I took her out to buy books and she just chose very easy reading. I wonder what books would be good?

OP posts:

Original poster

Klaap · 25/03/2026 07:09

Does it matter why she is doing this, ND or not, she is still doing it and even if it’s ND, it will be dealt with the same way. This isn’t going to make any difference frankly.

If she gets a diagnosis within the next week she will still be moody sulking. It’s not helpful to be told repeatedly it’s ND. This does not help. I am looking for practical strategies. There isn’t some magic ND pill or solution that will stop this, we would have to do the work regardless.

OP posts:

Elsvieta · 25/03/2026 06:20

Klaap · 24/03/2026 15:51

I absolutely agree, so when she doesn’t have the power this is what sets off the almighty sulk. It’s so frustrating when this plays out because it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy! The more she tries to control the situation the more control she loses and then the more resentment grows. Also you don’t want to reward the behaviour so she misses out on things she likes and a lot of negative attention is spent trying to cajole her. I know we are the safe space - I think at mums she’s putting on a front and then when she gets home, it all comes out

She insisted on getting rid of a lot of her toys as felt they were babyish but this means she often has nothing to do. Once she is bored the power play is worse. I try to encourage her to find things to do like crafts but she’s often so listless and miserable

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Is she much of a reader? Getting out of their own heads and into the "other world'" of books can be great for kids like this, I think.

celticprincess · 24/03/2026 23:24

ND doesn’t just have to be autism. ADHD has a lot of traits you’ve mentioned. Not being able to tolerate being bored is a big one. Rejection sensitivity disorder/dysphoria is another one, as is controlling behaviour. My youngest doesn’t have any kind of diagnosis but I’ve referred for an adhd assessment as she has a lot of anxiety around several things and massing RSD, also struggles to be bored and it has effected her mental health loads.

CorvidDreams · 24/03/2026 20:54

My DD (autistic) had a similar issue as a child. Now as a young adult has realized that things are more nuanced. Unfortunately the intersection between black and white thinking, and being taught at school about the dangers of alcohol, make for this sort of issue. Very frustrating!

Limpet1 · 24/03/2026 20:40

drspouse · 23/03/2026 08:57

Children who have anxiety DO have anxiety for no reason. Rooting around in her past will not make her less anxious.

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BS! Just because the cause is not easily identifiable or cognitively explainable does not mean there isn’t one! There is nearly always a reason.

I didn’t suggest to ‘dig around’ in the child’s past but in this instance the child has developed a worry and anxiety related to her caregiver drinking. I would suggest that should be understood and supported rather than she be told the OP is a grown and she should mind her business because she’s JUST a child regardless of how she’s feeling internally.

CelticSilver · 24/03/2026 18:52

Does her mother / mother's boyfriend / husband drink a lot?

Midnights68 · 24/03/2026 16:03

I think that an adult who has been drinking - even not that much - can feel really unsafe to a child. As other posters have said, they can pick up on the changes in behaviour that come with the consumption of even relatively small amounts of alcohol.

It also sounds like she views you as one of the safest adults in her life.

So I don’t think it’s particularly difficult to unpick.

Personally I think I wouldn’t take the ‘you don’t get to tell me what to do’ road - I think it could be counterproductive in the longer term.

Original poster

Klaap · 24/03/2026 15:51

Janey90 · 24/03/2026 15:27

I think its definitely power play.

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I absolutely agree, so when she doesn’t have the power this is what sets off the almighty sulk. It’s so frustrating when this plays out because it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy! The more she tries to control the situation the more control she loses and then the more resentment grows. Also you don’t want to reward the behaviour so she misses out on things she likes and a lot of negative attention is spent trying to cajole her. I know we are the safe space - I think at mums she’s putting on a front and then when she gets home, it all comes out

She insisted on getting rid of a lot of her toys as felt they were babyish but this means she often has nothing to do. Once she is bored the power play is worse. I try to encourage her to find things to do like crafts but she’s often so listless and miserable

OP posts:

Janey90 · 24/03/2026 15:27

Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 24/03/2026 14:42

It sounds like you have ended up as her safest, most stable adult figure. Is it also a power play, like when a stepchild always insists on sitting in the front of a car, and the stepmother is forced to sit in the back?

I think I would be tempted to give it as little air as possible. "Maisie, you're not the boss of this family, you don't get to tell adults what to do." Then move on. Let her sulk if she wants to.

I think its definitely power play.

Krobus · 24/03/2026 14:59

My 10 year old is like this. We think she autistic (I am); she has a lot of worries and rules and black and white thinking so alcohol is only bad. My father was an alcoholic so I know what problem drinking is but she has never been exposed to anything of that nature and I don't talk about my father to her. We are just firm that sometimes grown ups like a glass of wine with a meal and that she doesn't need to worry.