Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

Then they're advising that people not allow their partners to give informed consent, precisely because they know if people do, the partner might say 'no'. Which means they're advising what is morally, if not legally, rape.

And only 1 in 8 people have HSV2, the virus responsible for most genital herpes.

People should also disclose oral herpes though, to be fair, as if someone is asymptomatically shedding and performs oral sex, they could give their sexual partner HSV1 genital herpes.

Informed consent is key. And people withholding that from their spouses is disgusting, frankly. You should not be allowed to knowingly risk giving another person an incurable disease that causes pain and sores in an intimate area, without informing them of that risk. It's incredibly selfish and actually rather abusive. After all, what happens if they do contract it after several years?

Yep exactly this. Just literally say this !

You're not repulsive, you just have a health condition that requires disclosure so people can make informed choices. You should be kind to yourself - you don't deserve to be alone, and I'm sure you wouldn't be if you went looking for a partner, and were up front about it.

The HVA charity, who support people with herpes, advise that you don’t have to disclose if you don’t want to. The reasoning being that 7 in 10 have the virus anyway and people don’t make a thing of it if they get cold sores on the mouth and tell every partner.

They say it is better to do so though and that way if you get an outbreak you can explain why you need to abstain from sex.

I once rang their helpline to talk about telling a partner and they said they had spoken with people who were married and hadn’t told their spouses.

I'm so sorry. Would the risk not be low on antivirals ? It is quite common as well maybe you will meet someone who already had the virus ? You don't deserve to be alone the rest of your life

It should be a criminal offence to not disclose STD’s. Maybe it is, I don’t know.

I contracted herpes 12 years ago from my ex who knew he had it and didn’t tell me and I’ve been single ever since. I find myself repulsive because of it and I would never risk passing it onto anyone even if they were okay with it. I won’t ever date again because of it.

Tell him straight that what he’s done is disgusting and you won’t be seeing him again. Horrible, selfish man.

What a prick.
Another way to look at it is if you haven't caught it already, by ending things now you will eliminate the risk.
He should have told you. He's not to be trusted.

What a pig. Thinks you’ll stay with him after he drops the bombshell once he’s already put your health at risk. He doesn’t deserve politeness

How? Personally I'd start with fuck off, I never want to see you again, how dare you deceive me ?!

Yet another tone deaf post.

You don't even have the sort of herpes being discussed here, and you're teeheeeheeing about looking for support groups.

No. Most of the population does not have genital herpes. 1 in 8 adults carries HSV2, which is the primary cause of genital herpes.

I have read that while people do get HSV1 on their genitals, the outbreaks are less frequent and severe, and they're unlikely to contract it genitally if they already have it infecting their lip, for instance.

To have sex – even protected – with someone without disclosing puts the other person at risk of what could be a severely painful, ongoing, debilitating disease, depending on their immune system. It's hugely unethical and irresponsible. So yes, it is a big deal if not dealt with responsibly.

Actually, up to 75 to 90% of HSV1 cases are spread while the person is asymptomatic. Which makes sense, as if someone has a visible infection people are likely to avoid sexual contact!

@Sarah24x Not your fault!!! Ask him why the hell he didn't tell you before sleeping with you and then report back; can't wait to hear this one's excuse, they do say some shit.

Hard agree. That being said, I probably felt like the OP when I was first infected though. It felt like the end of the world. I remember finding support groups online and everything! Reality is most of the population already has it, and it's just cold sores in a really shitty spot.

The fact he had unprotected sex before telling her is the main issue here.

Its information that should be shared before any sex, not just protected sex.

condoms only reduce the risk of catching herpes, they don’t remove it. In many men the sores can be around the penis, not just on it, so condoms do not protect a woman from that.

@ToBeABridgerton oh that's shit for your friend. I do remember getting lots of outbreaks initially and they were more severe in the year after first getting infected. But as time has gone on they have got less severe and much, much less frequent. Now I can't remember the last time I had one.

I don't think most men who knowingly have it would say and the majority don't know they do (you can be an asymptomatic spreader). It's a risk of sex. But he's handled it very weirdly and manipulatively.

Not quite true. People also go on them to reduce risk to sexual partners.

Condoms doesn't stop you catching herpes. It can minimise the risk but it spreads from skin to skin contact so they dont eliminate the risk and there'd fair chance shed still have caught it.

if the person has an outbreak or is shedding which they and the person they are sleeping with wouldn't know.

I would be quite worried why he’s on antivirals - does he have any more serious problems that he needs to be on antivirals for? I am worried about aids.
when I got it (about 25 years ago so info might have change) I had it badly - was getting it every few weeks so went to a specialist. She offered to put me on long term virals - so my understanding is people don’t usually go on long term antivirals for herpes unless they have been really suffering with them. Unless he took the anti virals to cover the period where he went off condoms?

Having lived with it for almost 20 years i laugh because its still treated like it will kill you. With the stigma it brings you have to laugh or you'd cry!
Of course there are people who have an awful time. Thats not the majority.
Doesn't change the fact it should be disclosed; not disputing that. But the panic posts surely can't be helping the OP.

Also, if it's any reassurance @Sarah24x I've been with my husband for 15 years, we mostly don't ever use a condom, and despite me having several outbreaks over the years, he's never caught it from me. Hopefully the chance of you getting it is really low x

Edited to add, if it doesn't go without saying that I've never had sex during an outbreak!! Not that I'd ever want to!!

Not true - I have herpes simplex 1, which is normally not the genital version - though I'm not sure I got it from the person's mouth or their penis. I am sure I was told both can be spread down below, but happy to be corrected if it's actually very rare.

I can understand why someone might not want to disclose this to people before they have protected sex, but I'd be mad if someone had unprotected sex with me THEN told me.

I don't think it's a big deal and it's unbelievably common, but I remember when I first caught it and had my first outbreak. It was horrendous, I was absolutely mortified and completely distraught about it. Then thinking about having to tell every single sexual partner, for life. He's a shit for not telling you, but hopefully if he's on antivirals and wasn't in an active outbreak, you'll swerve it. If you think of it like cold sores - how likely is it you catch a cold sore from someone else if they aren't actively in a cold sore outbreak at that particular time? You'd think not very likely. So hopefully it's similar for genital version - fingers crossed for you OP.

I haven't had an outbreak for years now. No antivirals needed. I am now married with 2 children, husband wasn't phased when I told him all those years ago!

I did a lot of research on HSV when I thought I contracted it (orally)

Often you will show symptoms within ten days.

For genital HSV, there is a 5 percent chance per year of contracting it from your positive partner. It sheds asymptomatically. That's a 1 in 20 chance per year. And I'm assuming the study participants weren't having sex when there were symptoms

It's been two months, is this something you are willing to risk going forward ? For some the condition is mild but for others they are having severe symptoms constantly

I really hope you've not contracted it in a one off

This man has shown you complete disregard and disrespect. It isn't forgiveable in my opinion

Definitely report to GMC. Shocking behaviour from a dr. Who else has he passed his herpes on to!?