Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

Did he explain why he didn't tell you before you had sex with him?
Even if the element of risk is small with antivirals and lack of symptoms its deceptive not to have told you before intimacy.
Deception breaches trust and that is difficult to get over.
He had unprotected sex with you knowing he had HSV (regardless of how much risk of transmission in his individual circumstances ) he should have told you before intimacy so you could decide how you want ed to proceed.
I had a friend in your situation only the infection was HIV (he was HIV positive,on medication and asymptomatic with low viral load) he didnt tell my friend until after they had sex (unprotected) even though she knew the risk was very small she felt unable to trust him and this ended the relationship.

I do lead a normal happy life, I just don’t date because of it and I’ve got used to the idea of being alone now. I also have a child from that same ex as I stayed with him as he told me no one else would want me now. I hate having it and I do feel utterly repulsive because of it. But if a friend told me they had it I wouldn’t think they were repulsive, I wouldn’t think any different of them. If I were to tell a potential partner and they were fine with it I just know I couldn’t deal with potentially passing it onto them because I know how awful it makes me feel and how it makes dating much more difficult and I’d feel too guilty. I didn’t mean to cause offence, I don’t think of others as repulsive, it’s just how it makes me feel about myself

@Sarah24x it depends how he caught it. If someone with a cold sore gave him oral sex it could have been passed that way, in which case it would be hsv 1. If he had never been exposed to hsv 1 then it can be transmitted through oral sex. This generally means if you already have cold sores then you would not be able to catch hsv 1 genitally as your body has already been exposed to the virus. But hsv 2 is passed genital to genital. Generally hsv 1 genitally results in fewer outbreaks than hsv 2.

It sounds like it's probably HSV2, but the only way to know for sure is by testing during sn active outbreak - which he may have done at some point.

If you had cold sores as a child and no outbreaks since, it's possible to asymptomatically pass it to your children, but not likely. And I believe not via cheek kisses, but don't quote me! They'd have an outbreak though, I think, so if they haven't then you likely haven't passed it along.

Personally I take L-Lysine (as it's good for you anyway!) to avoid any outbreaks and perhaps minimise viral load, despite only having had 4 cold sore outbreaks in my life.

ETA: In a way, getting HSV1 orally isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it provides some immunity against contracting it genitally 😅

It's most likely HSV2, especially given he feels he needs antivirals to suppress it, but it could be HSV1.

It could be either because he could have caught it from oral sex by someone with a coldsore or he’s caught it off someone but they caught it from a cold sore

Yes, HSV1 is not the main cause of genital herpes as it prefers the mouth, and if one already has it orally that provides some immunity against contracting it genitally. It also causes less frequent, milder outbreaks.

HSV2 can infect a person orally, but mainly causes genital herpes, and is more severe.

People should definitely ask about whether their partner gets cold sores before receiving oral sex.

This is so sad to read.
Some of us repulsive people are happily married, with children, living normal lives. I felt sad and betrayed when i had the first outbreak (cheating ex). However id have regretted putting my dating life on hold.
I hope you can find a way to think yourself worthy.
You are not repulsive.

Hsv-1 can be passed on to your genitals very easily through oral sex. This is then classed in the statistics as genital herpes. It’s not minimising as such but that is the fact people aren’t concerned over catching a cold sore but people aren’t asking those if they do oral sex if they have coldsores. A lot of genital herpes cases now are HSV-1

Hsv 1 can affect genitals. Hsv 1 and 2 are of the same family but usually (not always) affect different areas of the body. Its not being minimised, but we arent talking about a terminal illness here. Op had had coldsores in the past so has hsv 1. People dont disclose hsv1.
The issue is that he didnt disclose. Thats wrong. But unless asults are celibate there is always a risk, even with condoms

Because if you have HSV-1 (the type people usually have orally) you can pass it on to people’s genitals during oral sex and most people who have it on the genitals don’t actually know if they have HSV-1 or HSV-2. Only a blood test would reveal that, which isn’t carried out as standard.

Now OP is saying she’s had cold sores in the past so she must already have one of the strains herself!

If people with GH must disclose then so should anyone who’s ever had a cold sore on the mouth as they also risk passing it on even if there’s no sore due to asymptomatic shredding.

I think the seriousness of how bad you get it, it depends if it’s hsv1 or 2. With 2 giving more painful and frequent outbreaks. Very easy to pass hsv1 through oral. I mean he should have said something as he knows so no excuse and then you can use your judgement.

however is everyone asking those giving them oral if they have coldsores? apparently this is now one of the most common causes of genital herpes in uk. So people should be mindful if they do have coldsores when doing that

What is with people minimising what has happened here, and conflating genital herpes (HSV-2) with the sort that leads to cold sores (HSV-1)?

Yeah, it's him actively knowing and then deliberately not telling you that's the issue. How would you ever trust him with anything, given that?

And then having the cheek to argue that it's both affected his self esteem, but simultaneously not a big deal?? It's so coercive and deceitful on his part.

Good on you for being so decisive about it!

I'm sorry OP, what a stress for you. But I think you acted with class and strength - and I don't think you should blame yourself for not using condoms. It's just something to learn from, I suppose. He's such a fucking prick.

I hope you stumble across just the right person when you're not looking. Sometimes that seems to be the way it happens!

The issue with GH is a lot of people have it and genuinely have zero idea, they never get an outbreak at all or if they do, it’s so mild they don’t register it. That’s how and why it’s so easy to transmit unknowingly so any time you have sex there’s a chance you’ll get it (condoms don’t mitigate against much either).

It’s also pretty common, a lot of people have it orally too without realising as they never get a cold sore. There isn’t much you can do about it if you have it, as I say most people don’t have outbreaks so don’t even realise! Those who do might have 1-2 outbreaks in their life then it never bothers them again…

Up to you how much this bothers you really. It wouldn’t bother me too much.

I’m sorry this has happened to you @Sarah24x and well done for ending it swiftly. It’s a shame as had he told you earlier and allowed you to have been fully informed etc, you may not be ending the relationship now.

Please don’t beat yourself up about not using condoms. The onus was on him to inform you, and as others have mentioned, HSV is spread through skin to skin contact - not just penetrative sex so even if there had been no sex at all there is a risk (although extremely small if he is on antivirals) of transmission.

As many others have said most people over the age of 25 who have been sexually active have antibodies to HSV 1 and 2. There is a chance you’ve already been exposed to the virus (even before this relationship) and your immune system is keeping it in check and you will never have an outbreak.There are also posters suggesting HSV1 doesn’t cause genital ulceration - and it does. Often transmission occurs during oral sex.

For people calling it an incurable disease - it’s “incurable” in the sense that once you’ve been exposed to the virus it stays in your body - like many viruses we’re exposed to chickenpox / cmv etc. It is treatable and there are very few people who need lifelong medication for this.

For others saying it should be illegal - people will never stop having sex and not everyone knows they’ve been exposed, and there is no way to do that freely in the UK. Having
antibodies in a blood test has no correlation to whether you will ever get symptoms or be infectious enough to transmit the virus. So it is complex. Criminalising an infection that is common and for the most part people don’t know that they have and have no symptoms whatsoever isn’t a good idea. De-stigmatising sex, increasing sex education and empowering people to feel able to discuss sex and related infections openly would be a much better way to tackle this problem.

Please use herpesvirusassociation.org for information which was linked in the first post as there is a lot of misinformation on this thread - unintentionally I’m sure by people who are misinformed. Don’t give up on dating - there are good eggs out there x

Sorry didn’t see your update. Well done op! 🙌

Just say you can’t continue to see some one you don’t trust. He should have told you about his life long transmittable STD before having sex with you so that you could make your own decision about exposure. He’s been selfish, disrespectful and deceitful. Then block his arse!!

I’m sorry to read this and understand how you feel as I felt that way when I first contracted it. It shouldn’t mean you can never date or have sex again though. I’ve had long term relationships and a marriage since contracting it and I did tell them. They really weren’t phased by it which was surprising to me, but not everyone thinks it’s a big deal. They never caught it from me as far as I am aware.