Man I’m seeing has just told me he has genital herpes.

He's a doctor?
What a piece of shit he is.
I wish you the best.

Sometimes it’s passed to children by being kissed by parents / relatives. It’s not always passed on sexually. It doesn’t matter that it was years ago, the virus stays in your system for life. Lots of people with either GH or facial cold sores only have one of two outbreaks and then nothing visible again.

You can’t say for definite if you have HSV-1 or HSV-2 as you don’t know who you caught it from and you don’t know what strain they had. You COULD have HSV-2, which is less likely to recur on the mouth than HSV-1.

I hope you will be informing all future partners that you have it.

why not tell you before he had unprotected sex? That’s very unfair. STD tests don’t pick up herpes but you’d have a flare up if you caught it so hopefully you haven’t as he hasn’t had a flare. I’d be pretty hacked off he didn’t tell you before unprotected sex.

Imo you're both in the wrong because neither of you disclosed the infections diseases you carry.

You have herpes in your mouth, you could give him herpes on his genitals.

You don't know WHICH strain you have, you just know where it is.

You both carry infectious diseases.

Honestly I think it's disgraceful how nonchalant people who have herpes are. You should be telling people they can catch a lifelong infection that could seriously harm or kill their future children before kissing. It's selfish and lazy. You're far less likely to pass genital herpes onto someone so I'd be more concerned about oral herpes anyway.

The non disclosure for me would be the deal breaker.
The herpes itself, if he is on antivirals he is unlikely to transmit and tbh it’s just a skin condition. It would be the virus that bothered me but the violation of my choice over my own body

I only used chicken pox as an example, perhaps I should have said Epstein Barr, or cytomegalovirus

this is not something I could forgive. It's for you to make the decision about the level of risk involved not him. It actually means you didn't consent to that sexual encounter which is really serious.

I think it's more because chickenpox can be vaccinated against, while herpes can't be.

I think the HVA site is pushing an agenda, saying that "The word ‘incurable’ is used to make it seem important when it isn’t", and grouping HSV1 and 2 together.

Ultimately, while many people may have HSV1 or 2, and are lucky enough to be unaware or have few outbreaks, it's important to be transparent about any STIs you may have. I think it's possible for something to be a 'big deal' without being life ruining or the worst thing ever. It just means it needs to be treated responsibly.

Saying it's not a big deal or 'everyone has it' can lead to situations such as the one OP found herself in, where her boyfriend thought he shouldn't have to disclose because it's such a minor issue.

I agree with you about it affecting some people more than others, but disagree that I am downplaying or being dismissive, I am trying to counteract the approach I often see on Mumsnet, that herpes is the worst thing ever. Hence constantly encouraging people to look at the HVA site.
Edited to add: we carry many viruses that we cannot get rid of, for instance, chickenpox that can re-emerge as shingles which could give someone chicken pox, and if that person was a non immune pregnant woman then there could be very serious consequences for the pregnancy. But of all the viruses we carry for life, herpes seems to be the only one that causes the reaction I see on Mumsnet. Possibly because it is sexually acquired which seems to make it the worst thing ever.

I'd actually be more blunt and say "you should have told me about your condition. I should have had the right to know what I was getting into. You might feel comfortable becayse you are using meds but I deserved all the information. I'm afraid I cant be with someone who would withold this until after we slept together. That's a deal breaker I'm afraid. "
He needs to hear the blunt truth so he doesn't do it again to another person

Edit: just saw you messaged him op, you did the right thing. Sorry it ended that way for you.

God while his behaviour was that of a maniac and he should be avoided on that basis, the herpes handwringing is really silly.

Hsv1 and 2 can't really be distinguished from symptoms.

Women don't "suffer more than men" physically (although arguably yes more from the stigma and I think most men just ignore the fact that they have it and will enjoy sex regardless).

A lot of people have it without knowing, including people banging on about how awful it must be.

If you have sex and have had more than a couple of partners you've been exposed at some point.

The problem here is that he's a selfish freak who will definitely do selfish things then moan about his self esteem when called out

It can lie dormant. Or it may cause frequent, even monthly outbreaks, depending on the individual.

Someone I know has oral herpes that, even with antivirals, frequently has an outbreak every time she gets her period, and looks unsightly, and is quite painful. And someone else who isn't on antivirals and has oral herpes outbreaks several times every winter that are very bad if not treated immediately.

It really depends on the individual, so while most people might not find oral herpes to be a big deal (like me), it can be a terrible blight for some people – and until you get it, you don't know which you'll be.

And once you have it, you can never get rid of it.

So it's best not to be dismissive of it, or downplay it.

I doubt very much this is true as lots of people show no symptoms so the OP could already have it for all she knows (and does have at least one strain as she gets cold sores). I doubt it would be possible to prove in a court of law exactly when transmission took place.

Do you have the actual law on this?

Please look at the Herpes Virus Association website given in the first post, it makes my heart sink when it's referred to as 'a lifelong STD', it's a virus that can lie dormant, even when you have an outbreak it lasts about 5 days, the first outbreaks are usually the worst, they decrease over time and are much milder, so mild that you may not realise you are having an outbreak, and unless you are immunosuppressed it won't cause long term harm.
The stigma around this virus is much worse than the actions of the virus itself imo.

What the man did was shit, and I’d advise the OP to finish with him on the basis of this, but I very much doubt you could get the man charged with GBH for this!

Unless the man raped you or managed to slip the condom off unawares, then it is your sexual health IS your responsibility as a woman, in the same way a man is responsible for his sexual health.

Feminism fought for women’s rights, but with rights comes responsibility!

He only told you after? Unforgivable. End it.

It's illegal to fail to disclose an STD prior to having sex with someone, OP.

What he did was unforgivable. Send him a text to let him know that the law states he should have disclosed this to you beforehand, and if he has infected you, then it would be considered Grievous Bodily Harm in the eyes of the law and he can be prosecuted for it.

Hope you're ok OP. I'd recommend getting a Herpes blood test (and a check up with a gynaecologist) just to make sure.

You’re right to be fuming he didn’t tell you. And it has to be HSV-2 based on how he describes it. It’s not informed consent.

Even as a doctor, his relaxed attitude is sadly a reflection of HOW sexist the approach can be within medicine to treating genital herpes in the UK (will explain based on my personal experience). It’s treated as not a big deal - because it isn’t for men - whereas it can be life changing for women as they experience outbreaks more frequently and with worse symptoms. It isn’t even tested for as part of a standard NHS STD test because it’s considered so prevalent there’s no point trying to limit transmission m and it is not a public health issue (?!).

My personal experience: my (now) husband and I got tested for STDs before we had unprotected sex (not realising HSV 2 isn’t included on a standard NHS test) and then after our “all clear” we had unprotected sex once. A few days later he had a first outbreak of herpes with viral symptoms etc. I was horrified thinking I had given it to him without knowing I had it myself.

I went to the NHS GP who was useless and then went to see a private sexual health specialist. This specialist advised that we both get a private blood test for long term antibodies. If you’ve had HSV 2 for more than 3 months then long term antibodies show up in your blood. And she had seen it before where it can lie dormant until having sex with a new, uninfected partner which can trigger an immune system reaction and the first outbreak. That is exactly what had happened in our case: my husband had long term antibodies and I didn’t. The first time having sex with me unprotected triggered his first outbreak.

What happened next nearly cost us our relationship. The private specialist - a woman - told me that it wasn’t something I needed to worry about provided he took daily antivirals and we used condoms. The antivirals alone are 97% effective at preventing transmission and those statistics include people who have very frequent outbreaks (and therefore shed more infected cells/higher transmission rate). My husband had only ever had one outbreak so he likely didn’t fall into the high transmission / shedder category. And to just abstain for one week after any future outbreak he may have.

My husband in the meantime spoke to one of his best (male) friends who is an NHS infectious diseases specialist. This friend told him he didn’t need to “bother” taking the antivirals as the risks outweigh the benefits especially as so many people have herpes. I went mad when he repeated this to me. My husband went back to his friend, who then referred him to a private sexual health consultant who specialises in this to discuss it further.

I was frantic when I looked up the name of this sexual health consultant - this man was a footnote in an academic article, saying it used to be the leading view (due to the work of this man) that the risks of antivirals aren’t worth the benefits but that is now considered outdated and antivirals are prescribed.

My husband was very reluctant to take antivirals and I assumed our relationship would end. It was a red line for me. A friend of mine has HSV 2 with monthly outbreaks and she hasn’t had a relationship since catching it.

Anyway as luck would have it, that particular consultant (dinosaur!) had retired and my husband instead saw a female consultant at the same clinic. She told him in no uncertain terms that if he is sexually active he must take daily antivirals.

If I can reassure you at all in relation to your own exposure: in six years I have never caught HSV 2 from him, and this includes the last two years where we’ve had unprotected sex trying to conceive (we used condoms before). The antivirals are very effective. He has a flare about once a year to every 18 months, and we abstain during that time.

If I were in your position:

1. I would feel horrendously violated and say that in no uncertain terms to him
2. in all likelihood you will be fine, but go to your GP or local sexual health clinic (the workers in sexual health clinics are always so lovely), tell them what happened and ask for them to pre emptively prescribe you antivirals just in case you get an outbreak. At the first sign of any sort of symptoms, you take the antivirals and the faster your take them, the more it curtails both the strength of the first outbreak and any future outbreaks you may get so it is important to have them handy.
3. wait at least 3 months and then get the blood antibodies test. That can reassure you (hopefully) that you didn’t catch it from this man
4. don’t blame yourself for not using a condom. It never occurred to me either about the herpes risk

I’m so sorry but I’m really hopeful you will be ok at least physically, and I’m so sorry you were treated in this way xxxx

Don’t be nice about it
I would go apeshit he is a doctor and should know better. - what is it - do no harm

he’s an entitled piece of shit who thinks his need to get his dick wet overrides your health

he knew you wouldn’t have sex with him if he told you
so he is obtaining sex by deception and he thinks that’s ok to do
wouldn’t want him as my doctor let alone as a partner

This happened to me, he told me after we’d slept together unprotected. Stupidly I carried on seing him until he turned out to be a complete prick.
Looking back it was obvious from that behaviour he was a bad egg and I should have dumped him straight away.

When I'm in charge of the world, people who obtain sex by deception will be fired into the sun.

I'd be telling poor Mr Low Self Esteem you're considering reporting him to his regulator. Even if you have no intention of doing so, it will make him sweat for a few days, he deserves to have some additional stress and worry out of this.