Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

It's what people do. They find some kind of connection to try to deal with the news they've been given.

My daughters were 20 and 22 when they helped me nurse their dad through his terminal cancer, to his death at home, with the three of us sitting with him and and sharing happy memories as he slipped away. I'm glad we had that time. I can't imagine losing someone suddenly, and not having time to say goodbye, or all the other things that one wants to say.

Did people say things that were a bit daft, during the period when he was ill? Yes, but apart from one spectacularly crass comment at a different level, it didn't bother me. I didn't have the head space to be offended, and I recognised that people were doing their best.

I get your irritation, but it really isn't worth dwelling on. People are imperfect.

Yup

Exactly.

Nothing is comparable to anothers grief. I lost my darling nana aged 91 , she was more like my mother, I'll never get over it, yet I've lost people who would be deemed closer to me and not felt the pain I did when I lost my beautiful nana. Stop comparing others grief for goodness sake!

People often mention their own experience just to show that they can relate and understand. Of course none of us knows what the other has gone through but having similar experience does help. It’s not like only people experienced very similar circumstances have a say, it doesnt work like this because you don’t know all circumstances.
Even siblings can feel very differently - when my Dad died my sibling and I had absolutely different feelings, it’s like we were talking about different people. My sibling is still grieving and upset more than 2 years later. I’m not.

I had to watch my dad die slowly of cancer when I was 12 - 15. Yes it's awful. Other people can't make it better and I don't think ranking grief helps anyone.

This. People can only call on their own experience . Stop policing them.

My oldest friend is terminally ill. Her daughter is a young teenager. It’s completely unbearable to be honest.
So I hear you OP.

People were trying to empathise and say that they know (some) of what this person may be going through now (colleague who lost someone to extended illness) or may go through when their mother dies.

None of it will match the individual current experience and future grief of your colleague or their daughter.

Whatever you meant in the way you said it, the comes across to me not as “none of us can know what this individual will experience so we shouldn’t compare” but more “losing a parent when you are older or losing an uncle isn’t as painful as what a 23 year old with a mother with terminal illness will experience, thus downplaying.

That’s very true, I saw young children and younger women than me having cancer treatment when I was in the chemotherapy rooms.

It’s kind of ironic that some posters are berating you for making assumptions about your colleagues’ experiences, but at the same time implying it’s ok for your colleagues to say they “know” how this 23 year old feels. Nobody knows how anyone else feels, at the end of the day.

They do know how it feels to lose a parent, that's the bit they are empathising with. Not the actual details of the death as everybody's circumstances are different.

I was sitting in a chemo suite having treatment only yesterday. My children are only 7, 8 and 10. I chatted to the man sitting next to me who had been misdiagnosed for 3 years until finally being diagnosed and given less than a year, he has a son of 14. There is a mum at my childrens primary school who has a 7 year old is very unlikely to still be here next Christmas. When you talk in terms of leaving behind young children I don’t consider 23 to be in that bracket. It is young to lose a parent but you are an adult.

Maybe your colleague is bringing her own experience in to the conversation because its a completely pointless dialogue to be having

Are you all just meant to sit there orating over how shit it is for the daughter like a load of gossips?

My friend’s Dad died when we were in our early 20s. Another friend’s mother was terminally ill at that time. It doesn’t get any easier as we get older.

Or perhaps they havent told you that they have lost someone close, lest you start ranking their place on the grief-o-meter

This. I think you are judging people who mean well. It’s hard to know what to say when you hear about these tragic situations.

We are talking about death, and grief. The woman is going to die as you've pointed out, and you're making it into a competition imho. The majority of people on here disagree with you. All opinions are valid, including yours op, but we do not have to agree.

You are confidently asserting that other people don't know what that family are feeling yet you are equally confident in your assesment of how awful it is for the family.
You don't know. They may be a pragmatic, unemotional family who deal with death without drama and histrionics.
You are in fact making it all about you and how distraught you feel.

It’s just throw away attempts at relating/empathy.

It doesn’t mean they’re trying to “downplay” the situation.

It’s shocking when a parent dies at any age. People try to empathise based on their own experiences of grief. It’s not perfect, but it’s human.

Agree so much with this. It’s so distasteful and disrespectful.

Most people have lost someone and no one has the right to make assumptions about what they went through.