Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

I haven't read the whole thread but grief is grief. That's it. Everyone hurts when they lose someone.

I actually think you’re being unfair.

Grief is grief. The age you lose somebody important is irrelevant, it’s how present they are in your life when you lose them,
You are ranking grief, I don’t think that’s helpful to anyone. Losing a parent as a single person with no social circle at the age of 50, for example, versus at 24 with a good support network is very different.

Honestly it just depends on your perspective and people are just trying to put themselves in another’s shoes,

I lost my mother in my 20’s from a long illness and it was hard but it’s hard to say goodbye to your mother at any age. We had an uncle die suddenly and it was so shocking and overwhelming that it took about a year to process that he was dead at all. On the other hand it was also hard to watch my mother fade away.

It’s all hard. People are just going to go to their most similar experience of loss and try to empathise.

No idea who you we re replying to?

however, you can only say say how either experience (or both, affected YOU). I have been through both & for ME each way has been hard in different ways. I absolutely couldn't say either were easier/harder, just different.

Yes, it is.

Itay not be expressing it well, but it is expressing empathy.

They're not trying to say "This is exactly the same situation I went through", they're saying "I recognise that you are feeling something utterly incomprehensible, which I did too, despite the details being different"

They're not trying to make this about them, they're trying to tell the other person that they're not alone, that they understand, even if really, they can't understand, because grief is completely different for everyone. Everyone's situation is slightly different, everyone feels slightly different, but that doesn't mean you can't still understand the other person's grief.

O.P, I understand what you are saying. You aren't saying grief is a competition but I think logically of course it is particularly sad the younger the child is when they lose their parents. That's not saying anything about anyone else's grief. I do also feel is can be a bit insensitive for people to say they know what they are going through when it's say a grandparent or an uncle, unless that person brought them up and was a parent figure, then it is different. I hear you.

But you shoe horned it into your post whilst criticising others for doing the same.

Nobody knows what she's going through and will go through. Even if they're 23 in identical circumstances, they still don't know what the other's going through. Grief is a lonely, personal proess.

It's unique to everyone, and it's also universal. Anyone who's grieved understands there's a bewildering maelstrom of emotions to work through, the psychological adjustments that feel so alien, the inordinate length of time it takes to settle.

When they tell you of their bereavements, they're telling you this. They aren't pretending to know exactly what this specific woman's experiencing. It's weird to feel they should!

What’s that Bible verse? I know I’ll get it wrong.

You criticize the splinter im my eye and ignore the log in your own eye.

Or something like that.

I suggest the OP should stay away from any of the people actually involved in this ‘tragedy’ (actually a perfectly normal thing to happen) and count her own blessings. Or toes.

"I just don’t understand this attitude of trying to shoehorn your own experience into this family tragedy."

And later you say such people are seeking attention, implying that essentially they are centralising themselves in another person's tragedy.

Yes, probably they are self-centred, but that reflects the fact that all they know is their own (limited) experiences.

Yes, it might seem banal and ridiculous that they compare the grief of losing a beloved pet or elderly grandpa to a 23 yo losing her mother. But to them, that is showing commiseration: they're saying, "I think I might understand your/their pain, because I went through similar."

What would you have them do? They don't know the suffering of a 23 yo losing her mother. But they're trying - dimly - to empathise.

And that should be acknowledged, or at least not dismissed as them "seeking attention".

It’s not, it’s harder.
At least with a terminal illness you have time to prepare.

Definitely this

Aren't you shoe horning in your experience of your mother?

It's not a competition more like empathy and solidarity, I think you are seeing it as a competition for reasons best known to yourself..

Exactly!!

No two experiences will be exactly the same but it is human nature to use our own experience to help us understand what others might be going through.
I lost a parent in my teens and yes it was very difficult but I feel other people have had an equally difficult experience losing loved ones at different ages.
It is a horrible situation for your colleague and their daughter, but use your energy to help and support them rather than judging others because they didn't react with the exact words you would like. I really don't think it is "attention seeking" from your collegues, infact i think its very normal. It is not something you need to take so literally, people are just trying to empathise with a very difficult situation.

Having seen both, although it’s horrible to see someone die slowly and become almost a shadow, in terms of processing grief, if you know someone is dying you can prepare yourself. A sudden death can be devastating. I really don’t think it is fair on your colleague to pronounce a judgment on how devastating you think THEIR bereavement was or wasn’t. It doesn’t make you more empathetic. If you want to support your dying colleague and her family you could do it privately and let others do things in their own way.

Agree.

Thank you.

Maybe age does matter - the longer you spend with somebody the harder it is to say g’bye. ❤️

Death sucks at any age and having to watch someone go through a severe illness and not be able to help is simply horrid.
It’s torture for them, but it’s torture for you, too.
And you matter. You’re left behind to pick up the pieces and go on without them - how do you manage when you’re 13?

My dad took his own life and I keep thinking about how alone he must’ve felt and how he thoughtt that was the only answer.
It just breaks my heart for him and all the people who take their own lives.

If I’m honest, my dad committing suicide was shocking.
But my cousin getting and then dying of breast cancer was far more shocking and affected the rest of my life.
And I was pretty old.

You're the problem here. Why are you comparing people's grief? Why are you talking about and posting about another families tragedy?

They’re grief vultures 🤷‍♀️

I used to think people just did this because they wanted the person to feel supported, and didn’t know what to say so they tied it to their own experience; I don’t think that anymore! The things I’ve heard and seen from people who do this have been… grotesque, in my opinion.

I just fell out with someone I thought was a good friend last week because his FORMER father in law died (he wasn’t speaking to his former FIL, and isn’t even on speaking terms with his ex-wife). But he said it’s “really hit him hard.” When I questioned this, he actually said, “I’m an empath, okay? I feel the pain of the whole family!”

I mean, what can you even say to someone who is that self-centred about grief that isn’t even theirs?

People can be ‘clumsy’ with their choice of words often because they don’t know what to say and the reality of death is hard to face and depressing.