Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

To be honest, I’m glad I had a chance to say my goodbyes when my dad died. I always thought a sudden death must be more difficult because of that. But that is very personal.

My mother does have cancer. Breast. Stage 4. For your info.

I have also lost family members in a horrific car accident. 3 of which were young children. The youngest under 2 years old

And still, I would never, ever try and tell someone else their grief isn’t the same as mine. Never.

I agree with you, but in current social situations, I don't think the average Joe likes getting 'deep'.
I blame the internet, the fragmentation of attention and empathy.
And basically just not wanting to put oneself in that place and feel it.

You're the self appointed grief police I take it? Perhaps you could enlighten everyone on how many points different types of relatives or friends get and how many points for their ages? Then you could let us know what degree of grief we are allowed to have and when we are allowed to mention it in conversation?

Whilst awful i dont think 23 is the worst.
Mine had a heart attack when i was a similar age.
i think as people are having kids later it is more common now. At least 23 they are maybe finished uni and at work maybe moved out.

I understand what you are saying that your colleagues experiences are not the "same".

However most people would not take it so literally and would understand that they are just trying to empathise by sharing their own experiences.

Thank you.
I had my girl for FIFTY LONG YEARS.
But when she got sick she was 3000 miles away across the country from me so I never saw her declining.
Towsrda the end, her family went back there, but I wasn’t included — which was cruel for both of us.
I called her every other day, and she always sounded good - like my girl.
So no, I couldn’t prepare because she seemed just like.
Then one day my sister called me and told me my girl had dued.
And that was it.
The end.
Curtains.
She’s alive in my heart ❤️
Every now and then I remind my auntie that I haven’t forgotten our girl.
I can’t decide if I should do that or not.

Who the hell do you think you are to try and tell people what’s the “same” and what’s not in terms of death and grief?

Vile vile vile thread.

I don't think it's that cut and dry. You might have found losing a loved one suddenly preferable to watching them die slowly, but many other people would give anything for the chance to say everything they wanted to say and make last memories. Neither is wrong, but it's not your place to minimise someone else's loss.

A close friend lost a parent in her early 20's. It was awful and she grieves the milestones she'll have to face without them. But she was surrounded by people who wanted to support her, and had the freedom to fall apart.

My mum lost a parent in her 30's and said the hardest part was having to be strong and hold it together for her children, she didn't have the freedom to fall apart. She had small children who were sad and needed reassurance, a household that still needed to run, and bills to pay. But she got to have that parent for more of her adult life.

It's not a competition and there's no point deciding who got the worst deal... just concentrate on supporting your friend.

@laughloseya you’re upset and that’s understandable. Nothing is going to be better about this young woman or her family’s shock tomorrow morning as a result of this conversation. It’s outwith your control.

You have more emotional empathy and intelligence than these people. It happens.

Having lost a brother when we were both under 10 and then my husband in his 30s when our DC were 5 and 7 I’ve had all sorts of daft comments over the years. They weren’t meant to hurt - mostly the very opposite. And it doesn’t matter. We’re all just walking each other home. Imperfectly, but most of us are doing our best. Let it go.

I don't think people are necessarily trying to downplay how awful something is.
A sudden, unexpected death can be more difficult than an expected one , irrespective of age. It's the suddenness, the lack of being able to mentally prepare. I wouldn't presume that a 23 year old losing their parent to an illness (when they know it's coming) is worse than a 40 year old losing their parent suddenly in an accident .Both will grieve immensely.
People are different, and so are their relationship dynamics. It's not for any one person to decide whose situation is the most awful.

I mean, I don’t think it’s ever a good look to immediately counter with “oh I know what that’s like” when discussing someone else’s unfortunate situation - the conversation should just be about that situation. But sounds like the colleague whose wife is terminally ill wasn’t present either time so it’s not exactly the height of unfeeling rudeness.

But what right do you have to think you can police what people say or feel you dont get to control like this if people have a problem they are free to say something

To you apparently, and to those who think it's important to them. To those who don't think it's important, it isn't.

The only criticism I can see is yours trying to criticise others for speaking about their personal losses then you go and do the same in your post. How would I know you lost your mum if you hadn't shoe horned it in to your post criticising others for shoe Horning in your own words their losses?

In your opinion

I think that comment is very applicable to you.

What do you want from this thread?

YABVVVVVU