Why are people trying to downplay how awful this is?

Who made you the arbiter of other people's grief?

Yes, you can't rank it at all. My friend was 45 and pregnant for the first time when she lost her mum-does that make her situation worse or better? Some people have lots of friends and family to support them, some have a couple of family members who are supportive, some have huge families who don't help them when they're grieving at all. Some have additional learning or health needs-it's not for anyone else to try to rank which is better, or worse.

They are empathising not downplaying

but agree a 70 yr old dying is not same as a 23 losing mum

but id not overthink it put energy into support the fsmily

I lost a parent at 13. I’d much rather have been 23.

I lost both my parents very suddenly in my early twenties…I would very much have preferred to have had even a little time. The shock of the second one turned my hair white overnight.

Maybe don’t rank any grief, any loss. It feels horribly dismissive. It’s all unique.

I think people often don’t really know what to say so they just say something. I also think trying to rank grief isn’t particularly helpful either.

People are empathising.

It’s not up to you to decide what sort of death is easier than another.

Maybe stop gossiping about their situation, and people wouldn't need to think of anything to say back to you.

If you start a conversation people will naturally chime in with their own experiences, and it's a bit of a dick move to tell them their loss isn't as bad.

I know what you're saying OP. My late DH died literally out of the blue, in front of me, at the age of 47. Shortly afterwards I bumped into an old acquaintance in the supermarket. She asked after my husband and I told her he had died suddenly (not all the gory details obviously). And she immediately said that she knew just what I was going through because her mum had died the previous year. Her mum was 93 and died peacefully at home. She then told me what a rock her husband had been whilst she was grieving. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that my "rock" had died.

A loss is a loss. It doesn’t matter how old or whether slow or suddenly. I mourn my mum who died suddenly when I was 8 days old as much as my dad who died slowly when I was 39.

I think people are just trying to relate. It's what humans do, even if it's clumsy at times.

I think it’s actually awful of you to say anything to a colleague that expresses the view “at least our parents died suddenly”. And then to criticise others for minimising.

It’s akin to how I feel when I tell people about my parent who has rapid early onset dementia and they answer with “oh I know exactly what that’s like, my grandparent had it”. Not remotely the same. It’s just making it about them.

I ageee with you @laughloseya It’s going to be very difficult for that young woman.
I Think you might (I don’t know if you definitely do, obviously) feel things very keenly. I know I do - I’m just not very good at letting things wash over me. Do you think this might be the case with you?

This sounds more patronising than intended ..

TBH you introduced the idea that this poor girl had it worse than your colleague or yourself. It is very unhelpful to start ranking people's experience of grief.
My mum died slowly while I was in my twenties and it would have been just as terrible if I had been in my thirties. I lost all my grandparents in my teens and only seriously grieved for one of them. Circumstances are so different.

I lost my mum in my late 20's to a long terminal illness. I'll always be grateful that it wasnt a sudden death and we had time to prepare and say goodbye. I'm not comparing but I'm perhaps just pointing out that you are using your own experience to judge hers as worse so in effect everyone is looking at this from their own personal perspective. You do lose your parents - its a sad fact of life - but it happens to most people ( in the normal cycle of life). She'll be ok.

It's not a competition.