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Original poster

AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

311 replies

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 16:09

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

OP posts:
EatMoreChocolate44 · 21/03/2026 20:39

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 20:26

They do not live 500miles away - they live in the same city as us about 15 minutes drive away. They are always too busy to do anything and husband has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common.

There is no point in husband going alone. The costs will be the same. The venue is in the middle of nowhere in an expensive area of the country. The hotels in the middle of summer are extortionate with even the cheapest of hotels £200 plus per night.

Can he not bunk in with a family member OP - his parents maybe. Lots of hotel rooms sleep 3 people.

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 21/03/2026 20:29

Has your DH spoken to his family and said something like, "we'd love to come but unfortunately we can't afford it. We just don't have £1,000 spare"?

Maybe your BIL will suggest an alternative, e.g. staying in a relative's spare room. I'm guessing that the bride's family are local, as holding a wedding 500 miles from both sides of the family would be pretty inconsiderate.

TheCurious0range · 21/03/2026 20:27

Ok so £200 for a hotel for the night, where is the rest of the £1000 coming from? Petrol £150-200 tops

TheCurious0range · 21/03/2026 20:26

I'd go, I travelled over 1000 miles to go to my brother's wedding and he travelled 5000 to attend mine.
There must be ways to make it cost less than £1000 if you can't afford that, and worst case your husband goes alone. If it's all in the UK can you car share with someone else and split petrol? Look for an Airbnb or a travel lodge for the night etc

Original poster
SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 20:26

They do not live 500miles away - they live in the same city as us about 15 minutes drive away. They are always too busy to do anything and husband has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common.

There is no point in husband going alone. The costs will be the same. The venue is in the middle of nowhere in an expensive area of the country. The hotels in the middle of summer are extortionate with even the cheapest of hotels £200 plus per night.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 21/03/2026 20:13

SwedishSayna · 21/03/2026 19:41

Well often you have to stay on site for a wedding so you have no choice over the cost of accommodation.

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Nothing written in stone says you have to stay on site and OP says DH is not best man, so it would be possible to attend and leave at a reasonable time and head back to a Premier Inn/Travelodge.

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 19:42

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 21/03/2026 19:23

I’m all for extreme day trips but that really does sound extreme.

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Exactly. It’s insane that anyone would suggest a 1000-mile round trip in a day - before you even consider that there’s a toddler involved.

SwedishSayna · 21/03/2026 19:41

Cyclebabble · 21/03/2026 19:06

Not sure where the £1k comes from? Petrol/Diesel yes that is maybe 150-180, but you can do a reasonably cheap hotel (75-100)and not get new clothes and ease off a little on the present (tops £50). I think these events are important and not going might be very badly received.

Well often you have to stay on site for a wedding so you have no choice over the cost of accommodation.

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 19:39

Gloriia · 21/03/2026 19:28

Because she'd have said what with flights etc. As pp have said Scotland to the south coast can be 800miles so it's perfectly feasible that it's in the same country, if it's overseas even more reason to pass.

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Not necessarily. I’m not saying flights are definitely involved, because we don’t know - but when it’s a 500-mile distance and the cost is around £1000 for three of them to attend, I certainly wouldn’t assume there were no flights involved just because it hadn’t been explicitly stated.

Duckswaddle · 21/03/2026 19:30

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Booboobagins · 21/03/2026 19:29

Decline politely and apologetically. Send a nice present. You can't afford £1k, what can you afford? I'd be thinking maybe £300 or so if you can afford it. He'll remember the present not your apology.

Gloriia · 21/03/2026 19:28

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 19:03

It’s 500 miles! Why wouldn’t you think a flight was involved?

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Because she'd have said what with flights etc. As pp have said Scotland to the south coast can be 800miles so it's perfectly feasible that it's in the same country, if it's overseas even more reason to pass.

Notonthestairs · 21/03/2026 19:24

Husband should absolutely attend.

ForAmusedHazelQuoter · 21/03/2026 19:23

YorkshireIndie · 21/03/2026 19:18

Is it a whole weekend wedding? Could you get up early and drive down and then go home the same day or get a travelogue for the day before and then drive home after the wedding? Toddler can be put into pyjamas/night nappy before driving home? I would suck it up. Look on Vinted for clothes if you do not have anything in the wardrobe

I’m all for extreme day trips but that really does sound extreme.

YorkshireIndie · 21/03/2026 19:18

Is it a whole weekend wedding? Could you get up early and drive down and then go home the same day or get a travelogue for the day before and then drive home after the wedding? Toddler can be put into pyjamas/night nappy before driving home? I would suck it up. Look on Vinted for clothes if you do not have anything in the wardrobe

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 19:14

StrawberryElephants · 21/03/2026 18:04

Your estimate of £1000 seems very far fetched. The most expensive location i can think of is Chelsea in London.

Say for example, the wedding was in Chelsea - I would get a train/car and drive away after 9pm and keep going until the hotels became £170 for the night.

The issue is really that you can't be arsed. Which is quite selfish - given that this is still your DH brother.

So much about this post is wrong.

TrixieLizzy · 21/03/2026 19:12

ThisOchreHedgehog · 21/03/2026 16:16

How much notice have you been given of the wedding?

Do you have other holiday plans or could you turn this into your summer holiday?

Could DH go on his own?

If you’ve seen them 3 times in 18 months, that’s on average every 6 months? I don’t think that’s bad going for relatives at the other end of the country tbh.

Edited

Hedgehog, they live in the same city. Only the wedding is far away.

Simplelife1 · 21/03/2026 19:07

Why is it going to cost so much? And how often do you make the effort to see them?

Cyclebabble · 21/03/2026 19:06

Not sure where the £1k comes from? Petrol/Diesel yes that is maybe 150-180, but you can do a reasonably cheap hotel (75-100)and not get new clothes and ease off a little on the present (tops £50). I think these events are important and not going might be very badly received.

Tulipsriver · 21/03/2026 19:03

He's your DH's brother and they're not estranged. Not being best friends doesn't mean they don't love each other and a wedding is a huge life event.

You seem annoyed that they missed your child's first birthday party but a wedding is a much bigger deal.

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 19:03

Gloriia · 21/03/2026 18:42

I think she'd have said if a flight was involved surely.

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It’s 500 miles! Why wouldn’t you think a flight was involved?

Quokka99 · 21/03/2026 19:01

Your child first birthday is in no way comparable to a wedding. If you don't turn up to their wedding it will never be forgotten or forgiven, and it will always be thrown back at you if there are any family issues.

AnnieLummox · 21/03/2026 18:59

GoldbergVariations · 21/03/2026 18:08

I'm a little puzzled by this post. Given that it's 874 miles from Lands End to John O'Groats, it's quite possible to be travelling this distance in this country?

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Exactly. London to Aberdeen, Belfast, Inverness (or vice versa); South coast cities to Edinburgh or Glasgow… How can people not work this out? The OP hasn’t even said the wedding is in the UK - or that SHE’s in the UK!

I think a lot of people just dislike the OP’s stance, so rather than just criticising her actions, they’re trying to pick holes in the entire story.

NerrSnerr · 21/03/2026 18:58

I think at the very least husband should go alone. Is there any way to go cheaper, like stay in a travelodge?

Dontlletmedownbruce · 21/03/2026 18:52

If DH wants you to go, you should go. If he agrees its too difficult with toddler or too expensive, then he goes alone. They will understand. Even if you don't see family all the time they are still family. My sisters had ridiculously expensive weddings and i had to save up and just suck it up. Not going is a major statement and can cause permanent damage. If you really don't want to go I think you should be honest with DH and also encourage DH to go alone and make it as simple as possible for him to do so.

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