Page 8 | AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

SunnyEgg123 · 2026-03-21T16:09:41+00:00

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there. We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us. This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives. Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout. AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Zov · 21/03/2026 23:12

@SunnyEgg123 You have been pretty much vindicated by most on here.

You don't need to go.

Not close to BIL.

Gonna cost £1000 (potentially) to attend.

Toddler in tow.

500 miles away in the arse end of nowhere.

You don't have to go, just decline saying the distance and cost and logistics are going to make it too hard to attend.

As I (and others ) have said, you can't have a wedding so far away from everyone, and then piss and moan if some people don't attend.

He will get over it!

.

Original poster

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 23:01

A lot of people making me out to be unreasonable that I don't want to attend the wedding as they didn't attend my baby's birthday. I understand that their 1st birthday is important to very few. This was only used as an example of why I feel it's not that unreasonable to not attend given the lack of effort ever shown by them towards us.

The birthday party was in the same city approximately 15 minutes away from them, was for family and adult friends (not a party full of toddlers as we seen it as our celebration of getting our baby to aged 1) and they didn't make the effort to attend. They now expect us (including the toddler) to attend a wedding 500miles away requiring a full days worth of driving at minimum never mind the costs.

OP posts:

5foot5 · 21/03/2026 23:00

2chocolateoranges · 21/03/2026 17:10

Not attending your dh’s brothers wedding is shit!

i wouldn’t have missed any of our siblings weddings, yeah some were annoying eg having to travel to the wedding, take extra days off work, kids miss school etc but they are still family.

In principle I agree, but have to now admit we did not attend BILs wedding.🫪

I think we had mitigating circumstances though. They got married at very short notice ( less than 3 months) and we already had a big holiday booked for the same time. If it had been a week in Bognor or something then we would have cancelled. However, it was a long haul trip we had been planning and saving for for ages so we would have lost £1000s if we had cancelled with that sort of notice

We did look in to cutting the holiday three days short so be we could get back in time but we couldn't change the flights without re- booking which would have cost several £100s more.

BIL understood but I am not sure SIL ever forgave us. Anyway she is ex-SIL now so whatever!

Zov · 21/03/2026 22:55

Baffles me why anyone would go to a wedding, 500 miles away, in the arse end of nowhere, when it's a family member they're not close to, and who isn't generally arsed with them most of the time. No way would I go. No-one in their right mind would.

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 21/03/2026 22:53

At least the birthday party was in the same city though, not 500 miles away.

5foot5 · 21/03/2026 22:49

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 21/03/2026 16:13

It’s your DH’s call surely. Plenty of siblings aren’t all that interested in their younger nieces / nephews particularly when they don’t have children themselves. I don’t see my sibling very often, but I wouldn’t miss something like a wedding.

Edited

This. And TBH I can't imagine many people being interested in a baby's first birthday other than the parents.

SMM2020 · 21/03/2026 22:45

I have family in the outer Hebrides and the agreement is some of us attend family events not all, as we’re in the SE England and all aware how crazy expensive it is to get to the islands and vice versa to here.

However, it seems your BIL has not factored this in at all and his wedding is on par with an abroad wedding. My only recommendation is IF you do decide to go - don’t go for two nights with a toddler. The journey is intense. The roads up are also not forgiving or fun especially during summer. I would make a holiday of it if you can, it’s a beautiful part of the world and go for a week if you have the time/annual leave. A holiday let might work out the same price (sadly probably slightly more) for a week instead of a couple of nights in a hotel.

Flamingojune · 21/03/2026 22:34

You could have an amazing time

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/03/2026 22:34

We live 500 miles from BIL -ive checked Google maps. . He's in the Hebrides and we're near Bath. There's no airport on the island so it's a 12 hour road trip plus ferries. Fuel is so expensive on the island we allow one tank of diesel each journey and a third for getting around the island. If we've not been able to stay with BIL (if other family have been given his spare room ) then it's at least 2 nights in a hotel for 3 adults (DS is a teen). It can easily cost £1000, as there's none of the Premier Inn type of hotels.

YourShyLion · 21/03/2026 22:32

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 20:26

They do not live 500miles away - they live in the same city as us about 15 minutes drive away. They are always too busy to do anything and husband has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common.

There is no point in husband going alone. The costs will be the same. The venue is in the middle of nowhere in an expensive area of the country. The hotels in the middle of summer are extortionate with even the cheapest of hotels £200 plus per night.

.

Zov · 21/03/2026 22:31

@SunnyEgg123

You and your DH barely have anything to do with his brother, you're not close, and he is having a wedding that may as well be in another country. So why on earth would you even consider going to this wedding?

This is clearly causing you distress (and your DH too I imagine.) As you say, you won't save much by having him go alone, so you need to draft a response to your BIL stating that because of the distance, the cost, and the logistics in general with having a toddler, you are going to have to decline.

As has been said, people can't have a wedding that's 500 miles away/12-14 hours travel/2 nights stay in a hotel for everyone, then act all butthurt, and shocked, and offended when people decline the invitation.

Stay strong. Say 'no thank you, but have a lovely time.' If he gets pissy and arsey, well so what? You're not close anyway, so there will be no love lost.

Someone said 'we always go to family events, weddings, Christenings, funerals, big birthday parties etc....' But I am sure they wouldn't go to something that was 500 miles away, and required 1 or 2 night's stay in a hotel. Adding maybe half a grand to the 'celebration.'

Honestly - why the F do people have these events so far away from home? To what end?! All they are doing is causing lots of extra stress and financial costs for their guests.

Zov · 21/03/2026 22:27

CaptainHammer · 21/03/2026 22:26

You aren’t close and you’ll struggle to afford it so don’t go. No one should get into financial struggle just to attend someone’s wedding, family or not (but especially more so when you aren’t even close to them!)

Show quote history

Exactly!

CaptainHammer · 21/03/2026 22:26

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 21:17

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

Edited

You aren’t close and you’ll struggle to afford it so don’t go. No one should get into financial struggle just to attend someone’s wedding, family or not (but especially more so when you aren’t even close to them!)

LHP118 · 21/03/2026 22:09

Personal outlook here. When it comes to siblings and important events - weddings and funerals, not anniversaries or their children's baptisms or birthdays - our family attends.

We attend with the understanding there's unlikely to be another wedding or funeral for that sibling. Our (OH and my) siblings are not close to us.

But you have to weigh up your outlook and that of your family.

jaynelou5 · 21/03/2026 22:06

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 21:17

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

Edited

Christ that would be a no from me, absolutely ridiculous to expect people to traipse all the way up there, especially with a toddler.
they couldn’t have made it much more difficult & inconvenient really, all for the instagram photos I expect.
say sorry, impossible for us but we will treat you to a meal locally when back from honeymoon.

Redrosesposies · 21/03/2026 21:56

We went to BIL's wedding. He obviously didn't think we'd turn up (there was a background story to do with missing funds after DH's parents died).
We were sat on the farthest table by the toilets with some random neighbours😂
Haven't seen or heard from him in 10 years and life is much calmer.
You don't have to go. The world won't end - not because of that anyway.

Therescathairinmybath · 21/03/2026 21:51

Have they invited a lot of people or is it a smaller wedding?

Personally, I’d say you can’t afford it and see if they offer to pay if they really do want you all to be there!

notthatoldchestnut · 21/03/2026 21:32

It’s an important family occasion. Of course you should attend!

EstoyRobandoSuCasa · 21/03/2026 21:29

How is everyone else managing? Can you club together with other guests and get a group deal on accommodation? Admittedly, your options will be limited on the islands (unless the wedding is on Skye and you can stay on the mainland, but it doesn't sound like it). I've been to Lewis and Harris and beautiful as they were, the extra time taken by the journeys to and fro on the car ferry really added up.

RampantIvy · 21/03/2026 21:21

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 21:17

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

Edited

It sounds like you will have to suck it up. No new clothes and no gift it is then.

I don't understand couples who insist on remote, expensive locations for a wedding then throw a tantrum when people decline.

People are more important to me than places.

Original poster

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 21:17

It would seem I am being unreasonable and not going to the wedding is not an option. It will burn a hole in our savings but I guess that will need to be to keep the peace. I just feel it's a massive amount of effort for people that make no effort for us at any time.

No they did not attend our wedding. We eloped and were married in a small intimate ceremony with friends present.

To those that feel my distances cannot possibly be accurate the wedding is on a remote Scottish island (I did not say this as did not feel it was important and didn't want the post to be identifiable) but clearly most people on here feel the UK is much smaller than it actually is and its impossible to travel 500miles. There are no local travelodges and flying is far too expensive in the middle of summer. We will likely have to go for 2-3 days to even make it bearable for the drive. It's very possible to spend £1000 on a weekend away to a remote Scottish location in the middle of summer even doing it cheaply.

I do not expect anyone to look after my toddler at a family wedding and I am perfectly capable of doing so myself, but I don't expect there presence to be requested 'for photos'. I think its unreasonable to expect them to travel so far by car for an adult occasion and someone they do not even know.

OP posts:

Heidi2018 · 21/03/2026 21:00

Yes I think you should go. I can't imagine the upset and bad feeling it would cause amongst the family if a brother and his wife and child decided not to go to the grooms wedding! You mention in-laws aren't good with your child but honestly I wouldn't expect them to help at all family wedding anyway, they'll have a duty to mingle with the guests and be available for photos! If your DH wants to go I think you'll have to. Is there any way to shorten the stay to save money? Could you bring someone from your family to help mind the toddler? Or else use the toddler as an excuse to retreat to your room early if you arent enjoying the day!

Yewoo · 21/03/2026 20:42

Although to be fair if your DH genuinely has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common maybe he should do everyone a favour and admit that, both to save you a lot of money and so BIL can invite guests who truly want to be there.

Zanatdy · 21/03/2026 20:41

He should attend his brothers wedding yes.

Yewoo · 21/03/2026 20:40

SunnyEgg123 · 21/03/2026 20:26

They do not live 500miles away - they live in the same city as us about 15 minutes drive away. They are always too busy to do anything and husband has no interest in spending time with his sibling as they don't have much in common.

There is no point in husband going alone. The costs will be the same. The venue is in the middle of nowhere in an expensive area of the country. The hotels in the middle of summer are extortionate with even the cheapest of hotels £200 plus per night.

I’m sorry, but I’d still suck it up and spend £200 on a hotel room for my sibling's wedding if I could stretch to it. Heck, if I couldn’t stretch to it I’d stay in a cheaper hotel within an hours radius and drive. Half of your original post was about the inconvenience of it all as well, not just the cost, which surely would be managed with DH going on his own?