AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

I really question whether it matters when it's someone who you don't see a lot of have much contact with. Does it make any material difference to your life whether a person that's barely in it likes you or not?

how does it cost the same for one person to go rather than two people and a toddler? I think it would be quite a serious snub for your dh not to attend his brother's wedding that will likely cause lifelong upset and you are being very very unreasonable (and it sounds like spiteful) to ask your dh not to go. Your dh should go alone and if he really can't get the costs down from what it would cost 3 of you (very very unlikely) then so be it.

Have you read thw OP's updates? The wedding is on a remote Scottish island. If attending a wedding cost me a 4 figure sum that I could ill afford I wouldn't go either.

I quite agree @Minesril

IME most of Mumsnet assumes everyone is English and even when you try and clarify your situation people still question whether you can be right 🙄

I think it's too much stress and effort for someone that you aren't close to. That said I'm one of those people who likes to match other people's energy socially even when it comes to family weddings.

I’m astonished at the lack of geography knowledge on this thread. The UK is big. People think Newcastle is ‘North’. Actually it’s about halfway between London and Inverness. We’re looking at a Scottish tour this summer. Flights will be a few hundred, as will the sleeper coming home. And hotels for a family room are very expensive! Also many places are already booked for when we want to go.

I also think it’s rubbish that they couldn’t be bothered to travel 15 mins for your baby’s birthday, it’s not about the baby (although I’m sure they’re lovely) it’s to celebrate parents surviving the first year. I bet when they have kids they’ll expect everyone to bend over backwards for their child’s milestones!

anyway, don’t go. The drive on its own will be horrendous with a baby. Selfish people expecting you to.

Your attitude sucks. You responses to people are so rude. Fully understand why they don’t spend time with you. Doubt they want you there, but I imagine you not being there would upset the parents and would be questioned by other guests. Get over it and go to the wedding.

Your DH and his brother are obviously not close and it doesn't seem either make much effort to spend together. You don't have to go to this wedding but it could be an opportunity to forge closer links. Are there any other guests going who you could share travel with? Particularly if you decided your DH would go alone.

Yes, go. It’s close family

You would save costs by your DH going along because he would be able to car share with some relatives he’s closer to?
When my DH had a family wedding in Scotland (we’re in the Southwest) he went with his parents and brother. He shared the driving with his brother and the fuel was split 3 ways, he stayed in the hotel with his brother in a twin room so the cost was 50/50.
Most posts aren’t saying your unreasonable not to go, most are saying you should arrange it so your husband goes to his brothers wedding as he is the one worried about the fall out and you should stay at home with your child.
I couldn’t think of much worse then travelling to a remote Scottish island at the height of summer with a toddler in tow.

Maybe you should have just given specifics on where you live/where the wedding is so people could have had a better idea and given better opinions based on the knowledge.

I think YABU for clinging onto the fact they didn’t attended a 1 YO’s party. People without kids don’t care about other people’s kids. Sorry but just a fact. Your child may be the centre of your universe but that doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone you know. A wedding is a very different thing.

However I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to not want to attended but you and your husband need to make it clear to the brother why. Your husband should still go and you should say if it was closer all three of you would be there but it’s just not feasible money wise or with a toddler in tow.

Get your husband to bunk up with other family and they can split the cost of fuel for driving there and for a room. I’m sure he has a suit in his wardrobe he can wear and just get a sentimental gift, not cash. It doesn’t have to cost the world.

Have you read the OP's updates?

@SunnyEgg123 it’s odd for a sibling to miss the wedding. So unless they’ve had a falling out your DH should be there. It will ruin the grooms day being asked where his brother is all day by family members.

But, you have the perfect excuse not to go ‘it’s just not suitable for the toddler, it will be a nightmare etc..’

DH should go alone.

I took my DD to a family members wedding on a Scottish island at 9 months and frankly never again.
I wildly underestimated how much longer driving up should take with a hot and bored child. We had 2 full days driving up and down plus overnight ferry and 4 days there. So as long travelling as we were there. DD was miserable 4 days in the car in a week.
I spent £1k and I'll be totally honest I didn't even take my car onto the island I used a family members, I didn't pay accommodation on there my dad rented us all a place and my dad paid most of our meals.
Travel up was about £1500 to fly plus I live 3 hours from the airport so driving was cheaper.
But the ferry was so oversubscribed I couldn't get the car on and we couldn't get cabins so I spent weeks holding out for cancellations and snapping them up.
The cost and the drive and the organization mean it's a never ever again from me.
Don't go. Learn from me.

‘BIL/SIL thank you for the invitation to celebrate your wedding with you. Unfortunately we will have to decline as logistically this doesn’t work for us as a family. We hope you have a wonderful Wedding and look forward to seeing you on your return.’
Pass the ball back to them. (Knowing full well they’ll never contact you on their return.)
no lengthy justification required. If they ask you can elaborate if you see fit but be aware that if for example you say money then someone offers to contribute to you going. When your reasons for not attending are not limited to just finance.

@SunnyEgg123, you really don’t need to pay any attention to a bunch of whackjobs on AIBU hitting a button on a poll.

Most posters who have written coherently on the thread agree with you.

(Why did you post on AIBU? It’s a mosh pit.)

I would not be attending.

500 miles away on a remote Scottish island that bride and groom have no connection to? That's my definition of a 'destination wedding' - that it is technically within the UK and doesn't require a passport doesn't change that B&G are expecting their guests to do a significant amount of travelling at significant expense, and must therefore expect that some guests will decline.

Decline.

"Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout."
What exact "family upset" and "fallout" is he expecting, and from who? Because I'd just be putting on my wide-eyed innocent act and expressing amazement that anyone would expect me to commit to such a ridiculous amount of travel.