AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

so the DBro is not invested in the relationship yet insists his DBro has to be there?

well, the choice is your DHs but honestly what could the fallout possibly be when they don't see each other often. I'd say to your DH he can go if he wants but you're staying home.

So distance travel and accommodation is the cost

not going to the wedding esp as thy didn’t go to yours could be an option

could you make it your summer holiday so stay before /after wedding and chill /visit places

are the rest of family local to you both

how are they getting there an at what cost

That would certainly be some mega level of feeling x 😁😁

Who would do that?

OP this needs to be your DH’s decision, it is his family and his relationship that could be impacted furthermore, he needs to assess how he feels about the current situation. You haven’t said in any of the posts what he wants to do.

I think I would go, but keep the relationship to a minimum moving forward. I know what it’s like to have a troublesome relationship with a brother in law who simply doesn’t give a fuck about my family but wants the world to revolve around his own, but not going, I think, would cause a lot of drama, and run the risk of you being looked upon as ‘the cause’. You wouldn’t be, of course, but imo it wouldn’t really be worth that interpretation. At least you can just.. slowly and quietly oust them from your lives if that’s what you want to do afterwards. No mega fall out.

make a holiday of it

take your time getting there

I don’t think you can suggest because they eloped they don’t have to bother with their family weddings from now on. The two don’t follow.

Besides they had friends at their wedding which makes it less of an elopement in my book.

They just didn’t invite their families.

But the Op clearly won’t accept her husband going without her so that’s that.

You also seemingly chose to get married far away, but chose to not invite any family.

I can understand elopement in the traditional sense, (in secret, telling no-one,) but agree with a PP that actually inviting friends to your wedding but no family seems odd.

Did this cause/ ratify the estrangement that led to them having no interest in the birthday party?

I'm changing my vote to YANBU though, as you travelling to that location by car with a toddler is unreasonable for a few days.

Your choice of wedding possibly showed them all that you don't care for them or any of the family, so there's unlikely to be any additional fallout from not attending BIL's.

I would just try and put a positive spin on it. A wedding on a Scottish island actually sounds like loads of fun and a real experience. Why not just accept you have to go for the sake of DH’s family relations, and try dnd have a good time? I’d stay a few more days, or stop somewhere on way back, make a holiday of it.

Yea, id be saying no to this, its just not practical, and who gets married on remote islands ffs

I wouldn’t go, I would be honest and say you can’t afford to splurge £1k and the journey will be hell plus the annual leave from work is an issue.

It’s an invitation not a summons. Folk who are close with siblings will never understand how little interest you can have in these circumstances.

The fact you eloped shows that you never expected effort from others so it’s not even double standards.

Would you fork out a 4 figure sum you could ill afford and make your toddler endure a very long drive to attend a wedding on a remote Scottish island that has very few accommodation options?

I wouldn't.

I’ve read the updates and still think your husband should go on his own.

He’s not just attending for his brother - he’d be going to spend the time with his extended family.

Lastly I’m a bit surprised that you eloped and yet had friends at your wedding.
Why not have any family there?

I’d go. Sometimes you just have to follow basic rules of family engagement or we would all drift off into our little silos. He’s your husband’s brother, of course you should all go!

anyway, it is your decision

You clearly don’t want to go and let’s face it who could be arsed go travel that distance AND bring a toddler, not to mention the cost. Dont go!!

why is your child so important to your BIL?
i think it is sad not to go

The BIL is taking the piss in the first place to have the wedding 500 miles away. If you have a destination wedding then you have to accept that not everyone will come.

Dh goes alone, see if he can room share with parents or family?

Read the OP's updates.

Read the OP's updates.

You didn't say it was abroad, so I'm assuming you can drive, yes. So the travel cost is petrol and a cheap hotel.
What is it in your travel plans that drives the cost up to £1000?

Why are you assuming that they family won't have any communication between now and the wedding? The fact that it's a very expensive and impractical trip for a family with a toddler can be spoken about before the big day, no need for it to be a surprise that everyone has to ask the groom about

I wouldn't go, or take the toddler. Your DH can go if he feels he should. He can drive for longer periods of time without a toddler so should shorten the journey.
Do you know of anyone you could borrow a camper can from or are there any local camping sites, so DH could just take a tent for himself.
If the answer is no, I wouldn't go at all. You can't afford it and you don't have much of a relationship with them. Obviously moving forward it might mean the relationship doesn't improve but it doesn't sound like any great loss.