AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

I haven’t seen any rudeness from the OP. Just correcting (often bizarre) assumptions.

Hang on, you post this message and yet call the OP rude?? I think you might be slightly lacking in self-awareness.

The fact it's 500 miles away makes this a destination wedding in my opinion. It's widely accepted that if you have a destination wedding then a lot of people will not attend, I don't see why this is any different. It would actually probably be easier and cheaper if the wedding was in Italy, not to mention quicker to travel.

I think everyone should think how they'd answer if the wedding was in a foreign destination eg beach wedding.
Would we all say to go?

Don’t go then? You don’t need our permission. You’ve got very huffy when people have given suggestions, despite missing out some key information. If he’s not got much relationship with his brother then will the family fall out even be that bad? If his parents think it’s that much of a big deal maybe they can stump up the £1k for you all to attend. Otherwise, say you can’t afford it and its a ridiculous distance to drag a toddler for a couple of night.

i'm very sympathetic OP - it's a destination wedding, expensive and you are not close. Unfortunately as it's DH's brother Ibthink you have to suck it up. I wouldn't be too put out at their lack of engagement with your toddler - young(ish) people without kids are often just not that into children

I knew as soon as I read it that it would be Scotland.

If you are going to spend that much and travel, would you consider extending it to a family holiday so at least you get a bit more out of the distance?

Are there any camping pods? These can be great with a toddler, although some of the fancy ones cost nearly as much as a hotel.

If it's somewhere with a short crossing like Mull you could go for the day and stay on the mainland although Oban in summer is still pricey but if you had a pod or lodge you could have a nicer trip for your own family time and just head across to the wedding. Pitch up shows a couple of more reasonably priced ones near Oban. Does it require car access on the island as this again adds pounds over being a foot passenger.

Ferrys are also currently a nightmare depending which island you are going to.

I can understand why you don't want to shell out so much but if you need to go, I'd be finding ways to make it a nicer experience for you and just show face at the wedding.

To me it seems like you're trying to isolate your dh from his family because of the choices you make.

Firstly, you didn't invite family to your destination wedding but only your friends. To me that's putting your friends above family in the pecking order. Now, you're trying to encourage him not to attend his brother's wedding.

You are giving the signal that family aren't important. Yet you've had the audacity to complain about them not attending your baby's birthday party. You don't have a right to complain because you didn't bother inviting your in laws to your own wedding. Incidentally, did you invite your own family to your wedding?

You need to do a bit of self reflection and become more self aware otherwise you might find yourself not invited to your own child's wedding.

As it was a big wedding how many lived on the remote island and how many travelled 700 miles out of interest? Surely if the majority of guests are islanders than makes sense but if the majority travelled then not so much.

You may not be friends but you are family.
It is wildly expensive but it would also be a nice weekend away for your family.
DH should tell his brother that things are a bit tight. My Dsis paid a portion of the accommodation and had a free bar at her expensive wedding, he might be happy to help out for his brother to get there.?

I’m sure if BIL had posted about the wedding he’d have been told that he shouldn’t assume people will come to a destination wedding and that he’s being selfish.
I also think that with a destination wedding you tell the most important people you want to be there and confirm dates etc before booking and telling everyone else. The people you invite later are those that you don’t desperately want there anyway. This includes OP, niece and her husband. If they were so important to the wedding then they’d have talked about it prior.
I don’t think DH is bothered, he doesn’t have a close relationship with his brother but is worried how his parents will feel. Not a reason to drop £1k. No one really considered how difficult and expensive this would be to him. BIL will still have a wonderful wedding, he doesn’t need them there to do so.

Exactly! Just go to a remote Scottish island for a honeymoon if it's so lovely. To expect guests to do all that traipsing is beyond arrogant and entitled.

Neither of you really want to go for various very good reasons. You shouldn't feel pressured into attending any event you don't want to. Distance, cost and a weekend of toddler wrangling are excellent reasons not to go.

I think a lot of people on this thread don’t understand how far and inaccessible Scottish islands can be. They’re a pain for me, and I already live in Scotland. The ferries are unreliable and the flights extortionate. The roads to get there aren't brilliant and, in the summer, full of bloody campervans. Accommodation is limited.

The OP’s BIL and his fiancée sound quite self absorbed.

I'd hate to waste money I couldn't afford and subject myself to 1000 miles in a car with a toddler.

Who knew that not everyone is the same and/or has cost constraints?

Did you miss that they would struggle to afford it?

There’s no way I would miss my brother’s wedding. It is not comparable to a first birthday party.

I got married on a 'remote' Scottish island that was 700 miles from where I was living at the time because it was where I grew up and where all my family were. It was a big wedding and lasted multiple days so once people were on the island they were well looked after. We still had some friends complain about having to travel that far (and a Scottish friend who worked on London who said her colleagues all thought it was the most exotic and adventurous place to travel to which she thought was hilarious).

Anyway, I can absolutely confirm that just the ferry and a cabin will cost the best part of £1K to get there. We live in the north of England now and it's just under 500 miles and can take 2 days to get there depending on the route we take.

This is a right pain the arse for you. Having a similarly minded BIL, I understand how you feel - my first instinct would also be not to attend.

I do, however also regularly make an 800 mile round trip to Scotland from the south of England, with small children, and there are ways to make it manageable.

We have everything packed up the night before, and get in the car around 4 / 4.30am. With any luck, your toddler will sleep through again until their normal breakfast, and that’s your first stop. You can get a fair way up the country in that time. Probably whichever one of you is not driving should sit in the back with them, and be ready with entertainment & snacks.

As you’ve got the extra 100 miles, you could consider making a much bigger trip of it, and staying at a premier inn or travel lodge for a night on the way up and down, and finding something to do in those areas. We stopped in Birmingham last year, having broken the back of the journey, went to Cadbury World the next morning, then drove the final 2.5 hours home later that day. You’d just need to figure out the rough area that was good to stop for you.

Assuming the wedding is a Saturday, I’d suggest leaving early on the Thursday, and making it to central Scotland around lunch. Spending the afternoon and night there somewhere cheap. Then make your way up to the ferry on the Friday morning. Friday & Saturday night on the island for the wedding, then leave whenever the ferry time works best. Do the worst of the journey on the Sunday, find somewhere to stay overnight, and have a morning / day out the next day before heading home. If you could stretch to two nights on the way home it would probably be more relaxing.

This way won’t make it any cheaper, but 2 nights on the island and a family trip may make it a bit more palatable.

Ultimately I think you need to suck it up for the sake of future relations with all your in-laws. Obviously the toddler will be very tired and it would it would only be right for you to retire to your room with them (and Netflix / wine / snacks), whilst your husband stays at the party

4 days of long drives with a toddler in tow? No thank you.

I would love to go to a wedding on a remote scottish island. What an unforgettable experience. Make the most if it.

OP why are you so against your DH going? He may be able to share the journey and accommodation with someone local to you.

I’ve changed my mind. It’s not unreasonable to balk at going to a Scottish island.

I’m with you, OP. £1000 (perhaps more?!) is a LOT to spend in someone who makes no effort with you, that you’ve seen three times in 18mths despite living in the same city, with whom you have no real relationship, and who, it appears, has only invited you so your child can be in the photos!!
wrangling a child who is bored/uncomfortable/fractious for whatever reason means that you may not have the most pleasant of experiences either.
I’d just tell them the (partial) truth - that you can’t afford this, and say you’ll get together when they’re home for a meal or something to celebrate and send a small gift.
And they take it however they take it.
But no, you’re not unreasonable.