AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

Op bottom line you just don't want to go.
You'll be made out to be the bad one.

I think if DH wants to go you should respect that and go together.

Given your more detailed updates I think it’s ok not to go (I said previously to go)

BUT the relationship will suffer unless you explain it’s about costs, but sounds like there isn’t a particularly good relationship anyway so 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SunnyEgg123
Is it one of the islands that has multiple ferries per day or is it more "Tuesdays Thursdays and saturdays" type event

I am wondering if you can stay.on mainland and go on day of....or just do 1 night

If there was only 12 allowed attend OP’s wedding during Covid it was during heavy restrictions. PIL probably couldn’t travel without breaking the rules or could have been worried about an infection. It was a bizarre time not normal circumstances.

OP I think if you can’t afford it then you can’t go and say you’ll get together with them after?

after reading the updates I’ve changed my mind and don’t think you’re unreasonable. It’s ALOT of money and they’ve made it hard for you choosing the location. If they’d wanted you there they’d have made it a bit easier.

other option is husband goes. Yes it’s still the money but at least you don’t have to drag toddler all the way etc.

This wedding is on a remite Scottish island. A Scotyish poster has confirmed that £1000 is probably what it would cost the OP.

It's probably that. I've got some sympathy for the PIL as I think it can be really hard for parents to come to terms with a lack of relationship between their kids as adults. Not that it changes anything, you can try reach out but you can't pretend that there is a closeness that isn't there.

You just don’t like them and that’s fine. Husband should be able to go though without feeling guilty towards you.

Didn’t you invite BIL to your wedding @SunnyEgg123 ?

having read the updates you obviously shouldnt attend the wedding.

You werent close enough to invite your husband's sibling to your own wedding. Clearly that hasn't changed - although I dont think you can complain about them not attending a first birthday party if you werent keen to have them at you your wedding.

So DHs parents opted to decline the invitation to your wedding? So they shouldn’t be funny about you declining a wedding invitation. It’s an invite not a summons.
I completely understand why DH doesn’t want to go alone but you have given your reasons and now need to get on the same page.
how much of this is that DH and BIL aren’t close and this would probably cement that in the eyes of other family members eg:FIL/MIL.

I hardly think a child’s first birthday is the same as a wedding!
i haven’t been to that many weddings but I’d jump at the chance. I have attended a couple weddings when I’ve only been invited because I’m a cousin, and was very surprised when a cousin I’d never met, that my mother invited, flew over from Ireland to attend my wedding (representing the Irish side). I was touched. So it comes down to money really. Or if you think you’ll have a miserable time I guess (though with an all day wedding I’m sure there’s a couple hours you can take little one back to the hotel for a nap).

Fair enough. I wouldnt describe that as an elopement. A planned small wedding.
The invitation was limited to his parents and they - presumably for Covid related reasons - didn't feel able to travel to your wedding.

The Scottish islands are very expensive and I’m not sure you’d save that much by just sending your husband either. It’s a difficult situation to be put in. I wouldn’t allow myself to go into debt for someone else’s wedding, even if we were close. We’ve had a similar situation twice where our own plans would have seen us not go on holiday that year, but we’ve been invited to destination weddings by family members. We did go and put our other plans on hold. It’s also very stressful travelling with small children and worth you considering what activities you can actually do once there, suitable stops on the way. My only thought is blood is a strong bond, and your husband and his brother may become close again in future. Your child may become close to his Uncle when he’s older. But if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

These.destination weddings cause so much angst! It's a ridiculous imposition.

We hired a cheap venue in the village ..My sister and dBiL decorated it (for about £50). And we offered for guests to camp in our garden if they wanted. It was a wonderful day, couldn't have been lovelier.

I agree every six months is ok.

I don't think you can complain that they didn't attend your child's first birthday because that is not on a level with a wedding. Children have birthdays every year.. A wedding is supposed to be a one off.

I am normally not in favour of attending expensive destination weddings, but it is your DH's brother and although you say you don't have much to do with them, imagine how you'd feel if they didn't invite you at all. Their invitation says that you, DH and toddler are part of their family.

I understand the expense but people have suggested ways of accomodating that.
It does sound like you don't like them very much and can't see the point, and I get that, but its clear your DH can see the point.so I think for his sake, DH at least should go. They've also said they invited your child too as they want them to be in the photos.. They want her to be included.

Not going for purely a cost reason, ie not a pregnancy or medical reason or something that cannot be worked around , is going to cause a family fall out, DH thinks and it sounds like he doesn't want that to happen, DH at least should go.
Sorry OP. I don't think you are being reasonable.

Did BIL attend your wedding?

It's going to be more than one night. Noone sane would drive 500 miles with a toddler all in one go.

Eta re the post the quote was quoting iyswim

Break it up. Go on the train. Adapt. Life is for living

Can you go for a weeks holiday and camp? If it's a touristy place there will likely be camping sites nearby.

That way you get a holiday included in the price. The toddler will love it. You might have to invest in a small tent and equipment, but at least you can use those for future holidays.
Buy second hand if need be, then sell on, if camping isn’t really your bag.

Im close to my brother and his wife.

They got married 350 miles away. I had four kids to take there. Theyve only seen them probably 3 or 4 times in the past 2 years. Even with fuel, hotel costs for two nights, outfits for us all and money for drinks it didnt cost us anywhere near £1k. Admittedly we didnt give them a big gift- just contributed to a couple of cocktails for their honeymoon wishlist.

Obviously you dont have to go - as the famous mn saying goes, its an invite, but I csnt imagine missing my brothers wedding, even if not particularly close.

Don’t forget that this is Mumsnet, where people are regularly told they just need to “find the money” for things like family weddings.