AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

I’ve just read your updates. Even if it doesn’t save mix moneys, DH should still go alone. It will be much easier without a toddler in tow. You definitely don’t want to be there so don’t.

Any hope of some casual meet ups with dh and his brother to try and repair things ?

If its somewhere like mull, the shetlands, Harris etc have you checked to see if there's any air b and bs rather than Hotels. I can believe it's going to cost 1000 if you're down south. We live an hour and a half away from Loch lomond and spent over 500 pounds for one night for two on fuel, a dinner and drinks and the hotel.

Husband surely won’t miss his own brothers wedding! He can go and maybe share a hotel room with someone to save on costs. Or get somewhere v cheap as he won’t have you and toddler to think of.

None of DH's family live on the islands and his family are quite international so several people travelled from other countries, including his aunt who travelled from another continent. Of our friends they were spread across the UK so quite a few travelled from the south of England, but some were further north and some of my old school friends lived on the islands. My families guests were mostly in Scotland but not all on the islands (and my brother was on the other side of the world). The evening guests were obviously all islanders (neighbours, work colleagues and friends of my parents).

It would have made no sense to us to have the wedding in England, we both grew up in Scotland and had both only lived in England for a few years.

@SunnyEgg123 has not said that it's a destination wedding, she said it's 500 miles from where she lives which suggests it is the bride's family home where the wedding is. She has also said she doesn't want to spend so much money out of their savings which suggests they can afford it, she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't like her ILs. Family weddings are important and they should make an effort if they don't want a permanent rift. A Scottish island might be a long way to travel (I still have the mental scars from driving up the A9 with 3 small children in the back of the car!) but it will be a child friendly holiday when they are there with lots of beaches, I'd recommend making it their family holiday this year and staying at least a week so they aren't exhausted from the travelling.

Also OP- you said that BIL and SIL live in the same city as you, but is there a connection to this island at all?! Is it where her family is from etc?

another saying you need to go. But do look for AirBnBs /holiday cottages in the area, it might be cheaper, particularly if PIL/someone else from the wedding party will share with you. (Eg get a 2 bed place and have dc in a travel cot in with you).

It's his brother. If you want to irrefutably and finally damage their relationship then your dh not bothering with his wedding would be the way to do it.

Was his brother invited to your wedding BTW?

The cost is prohibitive.

I had this problem myself many years ago. Ex husband cousin. She wanted daughter to be bridesmaid and we had no car at the time. Ex had no suit and when we totted up costs we just couldn't afford. Ex had gone voluntarily bankrupt 4 months prior, so doing it on credit wasn't an option either. We didn't go and it was an interesting time as nobody understood our issues at the time, but sometimes you do have to say no to things.

This.

Could you have a frank conversation with your husband’s parents and say you can’t afford it and see what they say about not going?

Is accommodation being provided for them? If the consensus is that you should attend could you bunk in with them? I’m Scottish - island weddings can be astronomical.

Id go but leave the toddler if you can, at least you and your husband will have a chance to enjoy yourselves together. It seems unfair taking a toddler that far for an event that will be so unenjoyable for them. But you and your husband need to go or it'll be a huge family fall out I'd think and you'll look the worse for it

Don't go. You don't have to.
I didn't attend my twin brothers wedding. He had already cheated on his wife to be and I felt he was rail roaded into marrying her to "make up". She was also a vile person, who did nothing but cause arguments amongst the family.
No one in my family wanted him to marry her but I was the only one who refused to go. Not 2 years later they're divorced.
Obviously bit different to your situation but it's ok to not attend a wedding of a family member.

Honestly OP, I know your child is the be all and end all to you (rightly so) but a young couple without kids aren't going to be that interested. Three visits in 18 months sounds fair enough. As for the 1st birthday, I don't know anyone who makes a big deal out of that. Maybe invite grandparents but not particularly aunties and uncles unless you are close and they're really invested in your kid. My brother nor my DH's brother came to any of my son's birthday parties and I wouldn't have expected them to. I don't think that's outrageously unusual.

When I got married one of DH's brothers didn't come because he couldn't afford it. Probably 200 miles rather than 500. It didn't cause merry hell - we just accepted it. Maybe they will too?

I think my in-laws did offer to pay their accommodation but they said there would have been other costs like outfits etc (they had three children). It wasn't something we could have covered either as we didn't have much money ourselves.

Oh no she shouldn't.

They've also said they invited your child too as they want them to be in the photos. They want her to be included.

They just want her for a photo shoot.

The Scottish islands are very expensive and I’m not sure you’d save that much by just sending your husband either.

Something that many posters on this thread don't realise.

You should go.

Have you read the OP's updates @Autumn38 ?

You should go.

Is BILs wife-to-be from said Scottish island or is it a random pick?

I was in a similar position with my brother's wedding. I spoke to my mother about it who felt missing the wedding would be a big snub and not taken at all well but could equally understand that I couldn't justify the expensive for someone who has seen my son twice in eight years.

In the end our parents paid for my travel and accommodation to keep us both happy and probably to save the embarrassment of explaining to people why a sibling was missing at the wedding. Is this something that might be an option for your family?

If you choose to get married 500 miles away from where you live then you've got an almighty cheek if you take issue with people not attending.

I wouldn't feel even slightly conflicted about not going!

But they still felt unable or chose not to attend. OP should be able to make the same decision without repercussions.

Is he allowed to go alone??

Definitely have DH share the reason why he can’t go to PIL or BIL. I’m sure they would rather cover the cost than allow the relationship between the brothers be destroyed and have other relatives questioning where you both are, and the child.
It’ll be stressful for PIL having to explain.