AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

They live in the same city as BIL, it's the wedding venue that is 500 miles away.

Leave toddler with your family but I think you and DH should go. Not attending a siblings wedding is poor.

YANBU if you don't want to attend.

Your DH can go to his brother's wedding alone.

It'll probably work out cheaper too as he might be able to book a single room.

I’d say DH should go on his own.

Unless he’s not bothered at all, in which case none of you go. But if you think it’s important for DH to maintain a civil relationship with them he should go.

500miles is a lot more than London to Edinburgh, or London to Paris, it's nearly London to Berlin.

So probably a flight.

Enough of a destination that parents with small child might find it unmanageable.

I wonder where it is really.

Tbh it sounds like you feel you ought to attend and they feel they ought to invite you.

It may be that they won't actually be bothered if you dont go.

Id send my apologies, and a gift, and leave them to it.

Surely travel costs and at least 2 nights in a hotel plus outfits and a gift will easily add up to that?

Not attending a sibling's wedding 500 miles away is not a fu its a thanks but no thanks.

Not attending your dh’s brothers wedding is shit!

i wouldn’t have missed any of our siblings weddings, yeah some were annoying eg having to travel to the wedding, take extra days off work, kids miss school etc but they are still family.

There will be no coming back from refusing to attend the wedding. I suspect it will be relationship ending and will have wider consequences with PIL etc too. I’d be very careful before going nuclear.

why is it 500 miles away? Is that where his fiancee is from?

But in general, not attending a sibling's wedding is a giant FU (and I am curious to see the workings of your £1k claim). Is your husband prepared to burn that bridge?

'I think you should go, at the very least DH should go alone. It is a sibling's wedding'

It's 500 miles away! People should consider the massive inconvenience when they choose such venues.

I can't see much saving if DH just goes by himself, he will still have to pay a single supplement in a hotel and travel and other costs even if you don't go. The only advantage is you not having to mind a toddler at the wedding!

I think what I'd do is, find a hotel nearby if that's an option and you all go. However you and toddler leave after the meal and go back to your hotel. You've done your duty and DH can stay and enjoy himself or he can leave with you.

I think you should go, at the very least DH should go alone. It is a sibling's wedding.

Completely normal for people who haven't had young children not to be interested in babies and toddlers. If there is a discount, perfect opportunity for some toddler dancing, which everyone finds cute.

Would in laws pay for your accommodation if it stopping you from being able to attend.

I think you have to respect that this is DH's immediate family and cultivate the relationship you would like to have. In some ways, not being close currently, is all the more reason to bond at an important family event. Not going is really making a serious statement.

I think your DH should really decide- I can imagine it being difficult for him if you don’t go. As others have said he goes alone or you reevaluate the cost.

We are going to a wedding in Scotland (we live in the midlands) in September for 2 nights - with cheap flights, lifts to the airport, cheaper hotel (with breakfast), we don’t drink much anyway, wearing already owned clothes/ suits etc… its cost nowhere near 1000 and theres 4 of us going (me, DH and 2 adults kids!)

It's fine for you and the toddler to not go, but DH should try to attend his own brother's wedding. If doing so would put you into financial hardship he should ask his parents to help with the cost. Overseas weddings that cost a lot to attend are really selfish and it's quite reasonable to say out loud if cist is a barrier - nothing says "we only want to be friends with you if you are wealthy, if you aren't then don't come" quite as clear as a destination wedding.

I wouldn't take a toddler 500 miles for a wedding of people you don't see much of, brother or not it's just too far.
Just make an excuse.
Is everyone travelling 500miles? why is it so far away if they live near you?

I think your husband should be making the decision on this (not often I write that sentence!). Seeing as it's his brother and his family. Thing is, if people get married far away, these things happen. £1000 is a lot of money - maybe not to people on mumsnet, but in general, yes. He lives in the same city as you but has chosen to marry elsewhere? Then he has to accept people might not easily be able to travel.

I don't like the notion of them 'requiring' your toddler's presence for photos when they don't normally make much effort with him. I'd ignore that bit and go with what suits you as a little family.

Husband should go alone and bunk in with family.
I would make up some excuse about the toddler.
Don't tell them what you have written here, that will cause drama.
Lots of people pre having their own children have absolutely no interest in them.
I wouldn't hold that against anyone.
I wouldn't do that distance with a toddler for a weekend, even without the toddler.

I think husband goes alone. I think you can pass, as it's a lot of travel for toddler but I don't think it's ok to miss your own brother's wedding without a massive fall out. You said you haven't seen them a whole lot and they didn't come to your child's birthday, but did he attend your wedding??

I think you can do it a lot cheaper than what you’re making out it will cost.

Im sure there’s a travel lodge or cheap hotel under £100 per night somewhere within an hours drive of the venue. Don’t drink and stay there.

Wear clothes you already own or buy from Vinted.

Dont give cash as a gift, do something cheaper like a photo album, wedding keepsake.

All these compromises are great. Not going is a HUGE statement to the rest of the family

I would do everything I could to help my partner maintain his relationship with his sibling. You should go as you were invited. To not go would be damaging.

It's difficult.

If he goes alone you are the villain.

I dont think its £1k
I'd suck it up and go but do it on your own terms...
E.g. something like this to make it a lot cheaper....

Dont stay on site....Stay anywhere in a 50min drive from the venue the night before and night of the wedding.
You dont drink and you drive.

Dont do any of the dumb wedding extras. eg brunch on sunday.

Get in and out.

Clothing
He must have a suit you must have some appropriate dress - thats £0
You can get something on vinted for a tenner for your son.

Gift - dont do cash... do something "sentimental" some shite like a watercolour of the wedding venue amd the wedding date its a lot cheaper and cant be criticised very easily because its "thoughtful"

Trying to work out why it would cost 1000, presumably travel and accommodation? Are you having to fly there? Have you looked into ways to do it more cheaply?

Perhaps DH should go alone if that would save money, it would be wrong for him not to go IMO.

DH goes alone.
Problem solved.