AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

Your estimate of £1000 seems very far fetched. The most expensive location i can think of is Chelsea in London.

Say for example, the wedding was in Chelsea - I would get a train/car and drive away after 9pm and keep going until the hotels became £170 for the night.

The issue is really that you can't be arsed. Which is quite selfish - given that this is still your DH brother.

I’m in nearly exactly the same dilemma as you with my DSis. Except they basically aren’t doing a reception (but a BBQ) and it will cost us £1500 for flights, hotel, taxis to and from the airport, car hire, insurance, food and drink, all for less than 48 hours there and back. It is 600 miles to a remote part of the country.

We decided not to go. I’m not close to DSis at all and she is extremely selfish. DMum is also extremely difficult and I just felt from the off they didn’t think about anyone else when planning the wedding. For reference, me and DSis both live within 4 hours drive of one another and Ddad is in the middle two hours away (in our home town). She just happens to be getting married near to DMum now….

I can definitely believe the cost for the distance. Also, it very much is DH’s call. I wouldn’t feel guilty at all for such a long distance, especially since DBIL lives so close to you.

Nobody’s forcing you to go!
As for complaining about your BIL not seeing your child, it’s a 2 way thing. If you want your child to see his uncle, surely your DH is as capable of taking him to his brother as his brother is coming to you?

DH should go alone if you don’t want to. Siblings might not be close but not attending a wedding would be a sore point ever more. If you all go, be gracious, find a cheaper way to make it work. Could you go for 2 nights, cheap Hotel and is there anyone (Mum or friend) who could travel with you to watch DS at night? Could be a really good day.

Of course you and toddler don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I’m struggling to imagine how it’s £1000, but even if it was half that it is still very expensive for the 3 of you. But DH should 100% try and attend, I can’t imagine missing a sibling’s wedding, even one I’m not hugely close to.

It’s his brother. I think he should go at the very least. You also don’t need to take your toddler, I’m sure they’ll live without them featuring in the photos. I’d get childcare and then use it as an excuse to let loose with my dh for the weekend.

500 miles? Are you sure? Trying to imagine where this could be and why it would cost £1k.

The toddlers 1st birthday is so not important to anyone but you, seriously. And if you want to leave him behind with other family then do regardless of photos.

Your husband wants to go. Are any of you in your 20s? If so beware, this happens especially with men. They drift in their 20s but then come back to family bonds. It would be a shame for the brothers that you’d prevented him celebrating his brothers wedding because you were precious over the PFB

Driving 500 miles on the day of the wedding could be tricky and stressful so I would have though two nights at a hotel are needed so the £1000 doesn’t sound that high.

How is it costing £1000? I live 500 miles from bil and it’s circa £55 in fuel (add £15 as it give up!) £50 on food and drinks during journey (you could save here by bringing food from home for outbound plus drinks for both ways) a hotel even in expensive places like London is no more than about £200 a night if you look about, then £80 for dinner on the first night and £100 for drinks and other bits and bobs on the day, that’s £700 with assumptions that the hotel is twice the price we typically pay and you don’t opt to save by packing drinks, making sandwiches etc. wear clothes you already own and don’t worry about a gift, you are travelling a long way to get there, gifts are not compulsory

I cannot imagine not going to a sibling’s wedding unless I was NC with them. BIL flew back from India with his girlfriend in the middle of a long planned round the world trip for our wedding and we aren’t hugely close (see them maybe 3-4 times a year).

That said, I cannot see how it could possibly cost £500 a night to attend a wedding. Okay, admittedly it may cost £200 in fuel to drive there. But then stay in a campsite (£20 a night for the 4 of you). Or an Airbnb. We live in Cornwall and with a bit of searching I can still find a local one at the height of summer for less than £100 a night. Don’t drink so you don’t require expensive taxis.

Not necessarily if they can't afford for him to go, even on his own.

As PP have said, your DH goes alone.

Either your DH goes on his own or you find a way to do it cheaper.

It sounds to me that you just don’t want to go and so now are justifying it

did they come to your wedding?

I think you sound very petulant and transactional

This. 100% DHs call but incredibly unreasonable not to attend a siblings wedding

Yes agreed - why do adults need to be at children’s bday parties!! They prob just thought it was for children

Dont go, I wouldn't.

3 times in 18 months isn’t that bad

I rarely see my stepbrother but I didn’t even question going to his wedding - it was a given I would go on both sides

I don’t think not seeing them often is an excuse in this case

if you genuinely cat make it due to cost don’t go and tell them that

Do you live in Lands End and the wedding is in John oh Groats? There are very few places in the UK that are 500 miles away from one another (that's one of them-600 actually).

The OP doesn’t say the wedding is in the UK. She doesn’t even say SHE is in the UK.

Yeah, unless you're nc and planning to stay that way, not going to a sibling's wedding isn't an option. But not taking the toddler definitely is. Book a cheap place for a night or two, wear whatever you already have and enjoy a child free weekend. And if BIL has kids, don't bother with them any more than he bothers with yours.

Do you live in Lands End and the wedding is in John oh Groats? There are very few places in the UK that are 500 miles away from one another (that's one of them-600 actually). Anyway.... It's a long way away and you fear it might be expensive (possibly could be done for less than 1k if you were being honest?). More to the point you can't be arsed because bil can't be arsed.
That makes the relationship sound very conditional and transactional (if bil did this then we'd do that). Does your husband get on with his brother, does he like/love him? Because ideally one wouldn't be keeping a ledger with a sibling. You do things for and with them because it's an important relationship not because they did or didn't entertain you/visit/attend your events. If DH hates his brother and considers him an arse then fair enough but but not going to a siblings wedding will have consequences. If you and the family can accept those because DH really needs to let bil know how much of an arse he is then go for it (although maybe a more mature approach would be for DH to talk to bil about how he feels).....

I think wedding invites are just that, invites. Anyone can decline or accept. In saying that both parties have to be aware of potential repercussions. By choosing a destination wedding BIL has to accept that some people may not be able to go. Those that decline have to understand that others may be unhappy with the decision made.
you and DH need to make sure you are both on the same page with this. And need to stand firm with any decision you make. He needs to ensure he is standing with you. I think you either both go or none of you go.
If you all go then he helps with childcare otherwise you’ll be on kid duty all the time.
A destination wedding at peak time can easily add up to £1K for the 3 of you particularly if you are expected to stay in a certain venue. (Read as subsidise their wedding venue)
if DH goes alone then be aware you are also setting a precedent for how his family may treat you and by extension your DC.
Ive been here and the key message is to be united and discuss fall out and how you will deal with any that may occur.

We are not at a family wedding today for exactly the same reason. Couple were perfectly fine with it - again they are in-law relatives we hardly see, tbh I think they are secretly glad we declined as I think the invite was to be polite.

It does come across as petulance, they are at a different life stage and you see it as a blight against you that they rarely visit or hold a keen interest in your child. And whilst this may feel hurtful, it’s not uncommon. I would be the bigger person here and encourage attendance to their wedding. What a fabulous occasion to celebrate family and welcoming your future SIL into the fold. Encourage your husband to see if there are cheaper options for staying. As you said you are not part of the wedding party so between both of you are more than able to parent your child and enjoy the day.

His own db isn't even part of the wedding and they want your dc as a prop? Definitely bloody don't make the effort to go.