AIBU about mum and wedding?

She sounds insufferable. Do you really need to appease her? Sounds like this is entirely on her. All she had to do was tell her friend a holiday around easter was off limits.

Enjoy your day without her dragging you down and post as many pictures as you want.

I feel sorry for you but at the same time you need to grow up a little bit. Your mum has no right to demand that of you, you've no reason whatsoever to feel guilty for celebrating your happy day and posting on SM.

I suggest you get some therapy and break free of the shackles of her approval. She isn't a good mother if she chooses a random holiday over her own daughter's wedding.

You'll have this toxic relationship the rest of her life if you don't do something now. Find the courage. How would you feel if she behaved like this to your DD? It's not on.

Ultimately she should have made sure to let friend know to pause booking any dates due to your wedding planning. She did not communicate with her friends and she is putting pressure on you to bend to her will. Tell her you won’t be moving it and if she really wants to save face as such - she will need to move her holiday - and you won’t hear anymore about it. Let her stew.

Your mother is A-typical narc quality. She will make everything about her and everything about you she will minimise, dismiss or try to ruin or overshadow. Of course it is about what everyone else thinks instead of how you feel. I would take out a fucking spread in every single paper i could just to show her up for the selfish cow she is. No doubt if she came to your wedding she would make it all about her. This is what they do. There is a narc mother script. Stately homes threads has amazing advice.

Congrats on your upcoming wedding. I am sorry you are dealing with a selfish mother at this time.

OP, she sounds absolutely awful.
Do not allow her bullshit to overshadow your special day.
Is so much contact with her really in your best interest?
You mind yourself and have a lovely day.

I don't believe that her friend had already booked and paid a deposit.

Enjoy your wedding day. Post whatever you want to share. Ignore your mother. It's not about her.

The responsibility is hers, you told her it was happening she didn't immediately lift the phone to her friend and cancel the holiday. She is purely concerned about how this makes her look, not how it makes you feel. If she wants to organise or host a celebration meal for when she returns what's stopping her, it's not up to you to arrange that to make her feel better, you are doing nothing wrong here and don't let old wounds and patterns from your life with her come into play and make you the bad guy who has to make it up to her

Hardly.
Told mum at Christmas I am getting married and we’re looking at dates in the Easter holidays

At this point (December) any normal Mum says to their friend 'Easter weeks are out, because I've had the really exciting news that our Eww is getting married and I wouldn't miss it!'
And if friend responds 'oh no, I've already booked Málaga and the deposit is non returnable' a normal mum tells her daughter straight away before the booking is made in case OP really wanted her there (like you did your parents).

The only unfair part is OP feeling like shit for nothing of her own doing.

It’s your wedding, not your mother’s. You get to choose what you do and how you do it. Something to the tune of “Mum, I love you very much, but this is my wedding, I want to enjoy it as much as I possibly can and I’m going to do things my way. What I need from you is to support that and be happy for me.” might be worth a go. And if it doesn’t work, try to tune out her drama and do it your way anyway. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Hope you have a wonderful wedding!

How unfair that the build up to your special day is being overshadowed. At the end of the day though, she already knows she is in the wrong because she has started to second guess what it will look like to people.... And she's right. She's being completely unreasonable and has been from the start. I suspect the relief in not having her there may have slightly masked the realisation of how unfairly she is treating you. Do what you want, do not feel an ounce of guilt. It's not up to you to not share your joy with other people just to cover up her shortcomings! And really, imagine how you would feel if this was coming from your fiancé? If she has to explain herself to others, then let her face the concequences of her awful treatment of you! Have a wonderful wonderful day, and don't think of this for another single second! Many congratulations!

But she'll just say she wants OP to not post pictures etc. Fuck what mum wants. OP doesn't need any suggestions about that. What OP wants is all that matters. She's better off not engaging. "It's my wedding day, mum. I'm doing it my way. Enjoy your holiday." Words to that effect and then disengaging if necessary.

Turn it round. Ask her point blank what she would like you to do about it? Then wait for her to offer suggestions. If she wants to cancel her holiday, that's up to her.

That's a good honest answer, but knowing that as you do, cease to be a mug. Especially on this matter. Make this the line you draw and move forward from no longer being a mug. You get married your way, you stop being a mug, your mum lumps it, you live happily ever after tuning out the manipulative guilt-tripping bs.

Who does/feels like that?

Children of parents with narcissistic traits, for one. There's a long standing thread over in Relationships called we took you to stately homes, check that out. Also check out an online essay, Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers, available free online

OP, respectfully, you will have a much more enjoyable wedding without your mother present, and it’s not your job to manage her emotions about missing it and her family and friends having their own opinions about a woman who chooses a holiday over her child’s wedding.

Post whatever you like, whenever you like, and ask yourself why you’re even contemplating colluding in your mother’s attempt to not look bad in front of other people whose opinion she values over yours. It’s her decision. She needs to deal with the consequences.

Enjoy your wedding!

Well if, as your mum says, you don't know these people, why on earth would they be looking at your posts on social media anyway?

Your mum sounds very self-centred and she obviously makes everything about her. If she really was a decent and caring mum, she would never have agreed to go on holiday and miss her daughter's wedding.

Post whatever photos you want, you told her the date and she chose to go on holiday over her daughters wedding.

fuck her, she obviously has her priorities in the wrong place,

But apparently “you don’t know these people and the comments they’ll make and the questions they’ll ask. How do you think it feels for me to answer all that?”

I don't know mum, I'm not sure why you went ahead with the holiday if that was going to upset you so much dumbass

You did the right thing telling her that, but don't cave at the emotional blackmail bs "how do you think it feels for me...?". It's your wedding day. For once in your life, don't give a flying fuck how it feels for her. That's entirely her problem to deal with. She's not caring how it feels for you to have her bawling at you like this when you should be having a happy time. Honestly, grey rock and do what you want to do. How she feels is for her to manage. You're her child. Her (self-induced) upset is not your responsibility and there's no reason to feel bad for being relieved she's not at the wedding. Anyone sane would have that reaction.

I had something similar. I got engaged and she told me she's busy every weekend at a hobby. I said so you'll miss your child's wedding to go watch that? And i think she realised how ridiculous it sounded and said of course not. She's also all about perception outside the family.

After my wedding she rang out the blue and said shes looking for a cheap wedding dress, where did I get mine.

My dress wasn't cheap and honestly I felt beautiful on the day, even though I didn't lose weight or drastically change myself beforehand. I did my own makeup and nails, I looked like myself.

I honestly think seeing me happy, and loved by my husband just as I am, but not meeting her standards clearly, enraged her and she just had to try bring me down.

Anyway all this to say, screw her OP. It's your wedding and your life. If you had a daughter how would you want her to feel on her wedding day, you deserve that too 💕

I've reached a point where i don't feel the need to appease her, you would be doing nothing wrong posting the photos, and if people ask where your mother is, you can say "she was on holiday :)" with your head held high. She is trying to bully you into maintaining her public perception. Not your job!