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AIBU?

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AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

188 replies

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:09

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 01:14

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 21/03/2026 01:02

I think at age 14, neither parent should be interfering with when the child wants to interact with the other parent. Video calls can be done in the kids bedroom so the mum doesn’t have to be involved.

In theory yes I agree but when you've an isolated child who's spending large amounts of time on their phone or online then I think that's different. Perhaps she had plans for them to do something together that evening. Perhaps she's worried about the amount of time he's in a screen. Perhaps there's further history here we don't know as we're obviously only getting one side (not saying she's not controlling she obviously could be).

I'd also say that encouraging video calls for a ND child in their bedroom could be a safeguarding concern if they think that's OK to do with other adults/ friends outside of their parent.

SupervisorySpecialAgent · 21/03/2026 01:02

I think at age 14, neither parent should be interfering with when the child wants to interact with the other parent. Video calls can be done in the kids bedroom so the mum doesn’t have to be involved.

everynamewastaken · 21/03/2026 01:00

Lookingforwardlookingback · 21/03/2026 00:43

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person. I can’t speak for your relationship but for some men, this would be a way of controlling/intimidating the ex and reminding them that even divorced they can’t be free of them.

If she is calling the kids during your custody time for hours then feel free to put a stop to that. Disclaimer: a ten min check in phone call for you both is perfectly fair

If you are genuinely worried about your children and wanting to spend more time with them, then move closer, get 50:50 custody and spend time in person. Don’t move away, barely see them and mistake quality father son time as being on a call playing online chess.

As a mother, maybe it's a different parenting style but I would 100% let my kids speak to their dad whenever they wanted to. Divorce is messy and clearly this dad would like to be more involved but it's not practical due to distance so this is something that benefits the child so it should be supported as long as it's not in the middle of dinner time or when he should be doing something else like getting ready for bed. Also, it's a bit unfair to assume he has the option to be closer - you don't know his circumstances. Jobs often drive where you can live.

For the op, it sounds like the relationship is quite strained but perhaps you should just have a discussion one on one with her and explain everything you did above about why you think it is benefiting your son and agree some boundaries together (miss the bit about her being controlling 😅). Emphasise that you want to make things easier for your kids so you're happy to take a call whenever they need but agree that you will both tell your son that he needs to ok it with the parent they're with beforehand and agree how long they'll be on something like that.

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:58

I mean, I think it's fair enough for her to be encouraging him to spend time off the phone if he's been on it for an hour. Especially if it's something he's very drawn to and he doesn't socialise often.

I think unless your calls are pre- agreed and scheduled then yes it could be seen as intrusive for you to be having lengthy calls, especially video calls and I personally wouldn't be remotely comfortable with my ex having a video call in my home. Clearly things are hostile between you both and its not an easy co parenting dynamic so that's amplified in your case. I think outside of a quick call to say hello and check in at an agreed time then you need to think seriously about the role you're playing here.

I have to say i think it's odd that you're essentially tracking your son remotely, seeing him rarely but then criticising his mother for trying to implement boundaries when she's the one doing the bulk of the parenting. I'm sorry but that's quite controlling behaviour in itself.

I think if you want to be more involved in your child's life then you need to move to be more present and take on your share of the load properly. You go to court and seek more contact with your son and then you stick to whatever agreement you can get in place. You can't say you want her to stop interfering when she's the one doing the majority of the parenting and managing his behaviour/ his screen time/ his routine on the daily.

How are you taking them mid week if you live 100 miles away? How does that work for schooling?

Lookingforwardlookingback · 21/03/2026 00:43

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person. I can’t speak for your relationship but for some men, this would be a way of controlling/intimidating the ex and reminding them that even divorced they can’t be free of them.

If she is calling the kids during your custody time for hours then feel free to put a stop to that. Disclaimer: a ten min check in phone call for you both is perfectly fair

If you are genuinely worried about your children and wanting to spend more time with them, then move closer, get 50:50 custody and spend time in person. Don’t move away, barely see them and mistake quality father son time as being on a call playing online chess.

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:33

I did. Moved back into my own house.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 00:29

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:27

I live 100 miles away. I have long hols which helps so I see them more often during hols.

Did she move away or did you?

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:27

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 00:21

Why do you see your children so rarely?

I live 100 miles away. I have long hols which helps so I see them more often during hols.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 00:21

Why do you see your children so rarely?

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:19

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:15

How do you know he was only on the phone for an hour?

Family Link app

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:15

How do you know he was only on the phone for an hour?

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:13

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:11

How long had your son spent on his phone that day? What time was the chess happening at?

8pm. About an hour. (10 mins with me)

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:11

How long had your son spent on his phone that day? What time was the chess happening at?