Page 7 | AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

GearC · 2026-03-21T00:09:49+00:00

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, ^“He(I) can do it in his own time” ^and insisted he end the call^.^ This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier) For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking. I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

Skybunnee · 21/03/2026 07:26

He’s nearly old enough he’ll be able to meet up with you at a chess club or similar

disturbia · 21/03/2026 07:23

I agree with PussinBin20 there are some good kind women on here but others who twist everything into men being the bad guys. It is difficult to make a supportive comment without hearing both sides of a situation.

Meadowfinch · 21/03/2026 07:09

I think 8pm on a Friday night, a 14yo should be allowed to play chess with whoever he likes unless.....

Supper has just been served up
The mum had arranged another activity in advance - cinema booking etc.

The teen can play in his room, mum doesn't need to feel the imposition.

During the week when homework needs to be done, when food is on the table, later at night when ds should be asleep etc are not OK.

fashioncrimes · 21/03/2026 07:06

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2026 02:37

I guess that’s the bit you might not be aware of, whether it’s affecting something else going on the home, it might well be he’d been nagged to start his homework for the past hour and he kept doing one last thing on his phone for example.

regarding court, I was just wondering why you were on a coparneting app as that’s often used when there’s been a high conflict custody battle and allegations of abuse/mistrust between parents, in these situations (I see there was an allegation you hurt her hand) then it’s not usual for parents to feel comfortable having their ex on video call in their home.

my advice to you though is not to try to control or change you ex but empower you son. Ask him about what happened and what the rules are at mums house. Help him to negotiate the rules with his mum, whether that is arranging a set time or letting her know first when he wants some privacy and how long for for a call/game (with you or someone else) so it’s not interrupted. He might already know but if he doesn’t he can have a chat with her and you can work around what him and mum have worked out is fair. As th current situation sounds annoying for both of them.

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The Family Link app is not a co-parenting app, I think you're thinking of something different. It's just an app which allows you to monitor and control a child's screen time and phone use.

sellingrocks · 21/03/2026 07:01

Sorry but this would piss me off too

you chose to move away and not share 50/50 and then whilst she is doing all the hard work of parenting (let’s be honest every other weekend is not parenting it’s just “fun time”) you are inserting yourself into the household

managing screen time for kids is a very difficult parenting wise these days without you then usurping her authority. You don’t know what his behaviour was like that day or days leading up to it or what had been agreed as his screen time limit that day

Klaap · 21/03/2026 05:57

Ok so OP I have experience of this and I am sorry, it is really invasive to a degree it can feel like you have no privacy and it can be quite disruptive to the children. I actually experience this from the children’s mother. I do support contact, as does my DH, but it drags on, it interrupts our time with the DC and we don’t do this in reverse on her time. We tend to encourage the contact on the DC’s term, so if they ask specifically for her they can call her for 5-10 mins.

When contact was on her terms we were finding this was really creeping into our lives in a pressured way, mornings before school making us late, delaying bedtime and bedtime routines, disrupting holidays. The calls drag on without much purpose (no one really chatting with intention just ‘online’ together) and it does feel invasive, whether you like that or not, it feels like someone who doesn’t live with you has unfettered access into your life at any time they want or desire and you aren’t sure of their intentions. DC usually do divulge stuff about each parent, you are just going about your day in your own home and there is another adult - who you aren’t in a relationship with - in the background of your home.

Personally I would take a step back and put yourself in her shoes.. would you really be ok with this? It wouldn’t feel too much? Perhaps you can make contact more purposeful and make sure it’s not too disruptive

Canitgetbetter · 21/03/2026 03:43

If this is something you'd like to do I think you need to ask your ex if it's something she'd be open to and what she'd need for it to work for her. Like a particular day or time of the evening.

You need to acknowledge to her that she is raising the kids, that she is the one there in the evenings overseeing everything and that your calls might be potentially disruptive if not handled well I.e. she's asked DS to do something or simply put his phone away, and he doesn't do it and feels justified because he's speaking to you.

She's on the treadmill of daily solo parenting and if you insist there's nothing you can do to move closer and take more physical responsibility for your kids then I think you need to show her a bit more respect and request rather than demand this.

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 03:25

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 21/03/2026 02:09

Well, tough luck then

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So you’re saying a 14 year old boy can’t play online chess with the non-resident parent because that parent moved further away? Are we missing some steps in your thought process here?

SpidersAreShitheads · 21/03/2026 03:23

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 02:47

Some may say “bitter”, others may say “unfortunately well-acquainted with the ways a narrative can be written to falsely paint oneself as a victim”.

The OP does not really seem to have much doubt he’s the “good” parent here which makes me wonder why he’s really posting.

He also freely chose to move 100 miles away from his children, which makes his complaints of not wanting to miss out on “father-son time” a little rich. (Does he have similar complaints about father-daughter time, I wonder?)

His story of the ex wedging herself in the car to force a conversation doesn’t sound great, however I can personally attest to the immense frustration of trying to have important discussions with someone who insists on doing it on his timetable only.

She may have been determined to have the conversation in person because she knows there’s no telling when the promised phone conversation might actually occur. Yes, wedging yourself in a car door is bad. Attempting to shut a car door on someone who is wedged in it is also bad and not the get-it-of-jail-free card the OP seems to see it as.

I’ve heard so many stories about “controlling” exes who are in reality just trying to get a bit of traction with men who are themselves extremely controlling. The OP does not actually appear to be here for advice, which makes me wonder what he really is here for.

^this.

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 03:21

Lookingforwardlookingback · 21/03/2026 00:43

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person. I can’t speak for your relationship but for some men, this would be a way of controlling/intimidating the ex and reminding them that even divorced they can’t be free of them.

If she is calling the kids during your custody time for hours then feel free to put a stop to that. Disclaimer: a ten min check in phone call for you both is perfectly fair

If you are genuinely worried about your children and wanting to spend more time with them, then move closer, get 50:50 custody and spend time in person. Don’t move away, barely see them and mistake quality father son time as being on a call playing online chess.

We’re talking about a 14 year old here, I think they can have a voice in how they spend their time and contact with their parents. This is not a toddler who needs an iPad holding. Also… it’s occasional online chess…

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 03:19

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 00:29

Did she move away or did you?

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I know you’re scatter-gunning him with questions to find a way to cast blame - but none of them bear any relation to his, reasonable sounding, question.

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 02:47

Some may say “bitter”, others may say “unfortunately well-acquainted with the ways a narrative can be written to falsely paint oneself as a victim”.

The OP does not really seem to have much doubt he’s the “good” parent here which makes me wonder why he’s really posting.

He also freely chose to move 100 miles away from his children, which makes his complaints of not wanting to miss out on “father-son time” a little rich. (Does he have similar complaints about father-daughter time, I wonder?)

His story of the ex wedging herself in the car to force a conversation doesn’t sound great, however I can personally attest to the immense frustration of trying to have important discussions with someone who insists on doing it on his timetable only.

She may have been determined to have the conversation in person because she knows there’s no telling when the promised phone conversation might actually occur. Yes, wedging yourself in a car door is bad. Attempting to shut a car door on someone who is wedged in it is also bad and not the get-it-of-jail-free card the OP seems to see it as.

I’ve heard so many stories about “controlling” exes who are in reality just trying to get a bit of traction with men who are themselves extremely controlling. The OP does not actually appear to be here for advice, which makes me wonder what he really is here for.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2026 02:37

GearC · 21/03/2026 02:19

No formal agreement.
Perhaps it’s somewhat naive of me, but I genuinely believe that if the children want to speak to either parent, they should be able to—provided it’s not interfering with anything else going on in their home at the time.
There have been occasions where we’ve had longer conversations filled with joking and fun. That’s not every call, of course, but when it does happen, it’s simply children enjoying time with a parent.
I find it difficult to understand how that could be something to take issue with. Seeing your children happy and engaged in a positive interaction with the other parent should be a good thing. It’s probably one of the clearest tests of whether you truly want what’s best for them.

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I guess that’s the bit you might not be aware of, whether it’s affecting something else going on the home, it might well be he’d been nagged to start his homework for the past hour and he kept doing one last thing on his phone for example.

regarding court, I was just wondering why you were on a coparneting app as that’s often used when there’s been a high conflict custody battle and allegations of abuse/mistrust between parents, in these situations (I see there was an allegation you hurt her hand) then it’s not usual for parents to feel comfortable having their ex on video call in their home.

my advice to you though is not to try to control or change you ex but empower you son. Ask him about what happened and what the rules are at mums house. Help him to negotiate the rules with his mum, whether that is arranging a set time or letting her know first when he wants some privacy and how long for for a call/game (with you or someone else) so it’s not interrupted. He might already know but if he doesn’t he can have a chat with her and you can work around what him and mum have worked out is fair. As th current situation sounds annoying for both of them.

PussInBin20 · 21/03/2026 02:26

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Original poster

GearC · 21/03/2026 02:19

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 02:06

I'm guessing they're asking if there's been an agreement through court where you can contact the kids when they aren't with you and what that looks like maybe?

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No formal agreement.
Perhaps it’s somewhat naive of me, but I genuinely believe that if the children want to speak to either parent, they should be able to—provided it’s not interfering with anything else going on in their home at the time.
There have been occasions where we’ve had longer conversations filled with joking and fun. That’s not every call, of course, but when it does happen, it’s simply children enjoying time with a parent.
I find it difficult to understand how that could be something to take issue with. Seeing your children happy and engaged in a positive interaction with the other parent should be a good thing. It’s probably one of the clearest tests of whether you truly want what’s best for them.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 21/03/2026 02:13

YANBU and I am pretty sure that by 14 the child has more of a say in seeing the parent. I feel sorry for DS that his Mum is controlling his life to such an extent that he’s not allowed to play chess with his Dad. It’s much easier to communicate that way than having a forced chat. She sounds unpleasant.

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 21/03/2026 02:09

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:33

I did. Moved back into my own house.

Well, tough luck then

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 02:06

GearC · 21/03/2026 02:01

Sorry. I don't understand the question.

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I'm guessing they're asking if there's been an agreement through court where you can contact the kids when they aren't with you and what that looks like maybe?

Original poster

GearC · 21/03/2026 02:01

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2026 01:58

What’s the history regarding court and being on the app?

Sorry. I don't understand the question.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2026 01:58

What’s the history regarding court and being on the app?

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 01:55

Sounds like you already know perfectly well what you think.

Original poster

GearC · 21/03/2026 01:49

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 01:14

In theory yes I agree but when you've an isolated child who's spending large amounts of time on their phone or online then I think that's different. Perhaps she had plans for them to do something together that evening. Perhaps she's worried about the amount of time he's in a screen. Perhaps there's further history here we don't know as we're obviously only getting one side (not saying she's not controlling she obviously could be).

I'd also say that encouraging video calls for a ND child in their bedroom could be a safeguarding concern if they think that's OK to do with other adults/ friends outside of their parent.

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When I refer to controlling behaviour, I’m not speaking in abstract terms—I’m going off lived experience. There was the occasion (during Covid) where my ex insisted we discuss an issue regarding the children before I left. I said I didn't want to have any potentially heated conversations in front of the kids and I’d call her when I got home. She insisted, I refused, she blew up. She followed me to my car and physically wedged herself in my car door to stop me leaving. When I tried to close the door, she started feigning as though I was assaulting her.
So when people suggest I might be the one overstepping or being intrusive for having a 10-minute game of chess with my son, you’ll forgive me if that doesn’t quite line up with my understanding of what “controlling” behaviour actually looks like.

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 01:24

everynamewastaken · 21/03/2026 01:16

This is very judgmental considering you know nothing about their situation. He's not interfering with her parenting but the child is old enough to say they want a phone call with their dad - who is still their parent and should still get a say. He might not have an option of living closer. I'm sure if he did he would push for whatever custody arrangement was best for the children anyway. And having an app to monitor usage is probably something both parents have so they can both support one another to limit their kids screen time. You seem to think if the dad is out of the house he's suddenly not a parent until the kids are back under his roof but you can't turn that off and on... Healthy co-parenting is agreeing principles and sticking with them together for consistency for your kids..

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I understand what you're saying but I'm just trying to point out that the other parent needs to be able to have some boundaries around screen time in their home as fits their parenting and the child's needs. Op himself has said this is a vulnerable and isolated child who is drawn to screens so it's not really much for a mother to be asking them to come off a screen and spend time with the rest of the family in an evening before bed. I'm not saying he's not a parent because he moved away from his kids (which he said was his decision) but whatever the reasons it has left the mother doing the bulk of the work, and he's using the little insight he's getting from an app to decide whether her boundaries are fair and appropriate or not? And that to me seems off.

"Healthy co-parenting is agreeing principles and sticking with them together for consistency for your kids.."

I totally agree but like I said that needs to be agreed and planned in a way that works for everyone. There's no reason why op can't negotiate a routine call in an evening with an agreed duration or method of contact that suits everyone.

Original poster

GearC · 21/03/2026 01:19

Lookingforwardlookingback · 21/03/2026 00:43

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person. I can’t speak for your relationship but for some men, this would be a way of controlling/intimidating the ex and reminding them that even divorced they can’t be free of them.

If she is calling the kids during your custody time for hours then feel free to put a stop to that. Disclaimer: a ten min check in phone call for you both is perfectly fair

If you are genuinely worried about your children and wanting to spend more time with them, then move closer, get 50:50 custody and spend time in person. Don’t move away, barely see them and mistake quality father son time as being on a call playing online chess.

You're addressing a situation that doesn’t really reflect mine. If you have to introduce hypothetical scenarios to justify her reaction, that in itself might suggest how justified it actually was.
The interaction in question was a 10-minute game of chess that my son asked for. Most of our calls are brief—often just a few minutes—because that’s all he’s up for. So this isn’t about prolonged “presence” in her home or anything resembling control. It’s about very small, child-initiated moments of connection.
There’s no suggestion whatsoever of intimidation or control on my part, nor is there anything in what I wrote that would imply that.
Moving closer isn’t an immediate or straightforward option, for a variety of reasons. The question I raised was about a specific situation involving phone contact. Suggesting major changes to living arrangements or custody doesn’t address the immediate question.
I’m not suggesting that calls replace in-person time—they obviously don’t. But for a child who has limited social interaction, even a short, positive exchange like a game of chess can matter. That’s the context here.

OP posts:

everynamewastaken · 21/03/2026 01:16

Lavender14 · 21/03/2026 00:58

I mean, I think it's fair enough for her to be encouraging him to spend time off the phone if he's been on it for an hour. Especially if it's something he's very drawn to and he doesn't socialise often.

I think unless your calls are pre- agreed and scheduled then yes it could be seen as intrusive for you to be having lengthy calls, especially video calls and I personally wouldn't be remotely comfortable with my ex having a video call in my home. Clearly things are hostile between you both and its not an easy co parenting dynamic so that's amplified in your case. I think outside of a quick call to say hello and check in at an agreed time then you need to think seriously about the role you're playing here.

I have to say i think it's odd that you're essentially tracking your son remotely, seeing him rarely but then criticising his mother for trying to implement boundaries when she's the one doing the bulk of the parenting. I'm sorry but that's quite controlling behaviour in itself.

I think if you want to be more involved in your child's life then you need to move to be more present and take on your share of the load properly. You go to court and seek more contact with your son and then you stick to whatever agreement you can get in place. You can't say you want her to stop interfering when she's the one doing the majority of the parenting and managing his behaviour/ his screen time/ his routine on the daily.

How are you taking them mid week if you live 100 miles away? How does that work for schooling?

This is very judgmental considering you know nothing about their situation. He's not interfering with her parenting but the child is old enough to say they want a phone call with their dad - who is still their parent and should still get a say. He might not have an option of living closer. I'm sure if he did he would push for whatever custody arrangement was best for the children anyway. And having an app to monitor usage is probably something both parents have so they can both support one another to limit their kids screen time. You seem to think if the dad is out of the house he's suddenly not a parent until the kids are back under his roof but you can't turn that off and on... Healthy co-parenting is agreeing principles and sticking with them together for consistency for your kids..