AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

It’s appalling of her to restrict contact between you like this. My sons dad did the same and he is now NC. She’s being an arsehole but there’s not much you can do, your son will either rebel or withdraw from her eventually

You chose to move away. You could have rented nearby and sold the home 100 miles away. You could go to court to get an order allowing you to be raising your children 50/50. You would then be able to fully support your son with his difficulties. The 10 minute chess game feels important to you, but it really isn't the thing that will make your son's life better. It's just the only thing you can offer at the moment.

I am a woman and I have every sympathy with him about this issue - and with his fourteen year old son who is entitled to have a private phone call.

Soon he'll be able to leave home.

I have some sympathy with OP, but I suspect because he is male he won’t get a good hearing on MN.

I'm the stepmother of a young woman whose mother moved to Spain to take her away from her dad. All contact was remote via video calls but the mum had to be in or near the room, so that she could control what my DSD said to her dad.

My DSD stayed with him every Christmas, Easter and two weeks in the summer. She was instructed on what to say and what not to say to him when she stayed. This went on until she was 23 and came to live with us permanently nearly ten years ago. As result my DSD felt unable to tell her dad about th physical and emotional abuse she suffered.

Since she has moved in with us (she has SEN and is semi-independent) we have heard much more about how controlling and abusive her mother was. We have also been privileged to watch my DSD blossom into a lovely person. She went no contact with her mother only three years ago.

I am writing this to say that not every mother is as kind and caring as we might hope. It sounds as if the OP's ex is very controlling and doesn't want their DS to have quality time with his dad. I hope the OP can resolve this when he moves closer. And to answer your question, OP, no, you are not being unreasonable.

My partner’s ex does this. The kids want to speak to him but she’ll cut off video calls for ridiculous reasons. It’s purely a control thing.

Hi OP. Briefly, I am sorry to see that you've had the kicked out of you here.

I'm going to answer your original question as simply as I can. If you want to have a game of chess with your son at 8pm, could you ask him to check with mum that it isn't infringing with any other arrangements? Especially as a game of chess is going to take considerably longer that 10 minutes. The thing is that you don't know what's been going on in at home at that time, or what's been happening in the run up. Or you could message her, saying, 'oh, just about to start a game ... etc. Does it mess with any of your plans?'

Just an idea.

Look OP, you’ve been extremely combative and defensive from the start. If you’re like this with your ex it’s hardly a surprise that things between you are acrimonious.

Posters here have seen many, many instances where the dad fucks off to do whatever he wants, only bothering with the child on every other weekend or so. Exactly as you described here. That may not be a fair reflection but objectively, it seems to tick all the boxes.

You claim to have had no choice about moving 100 miles away but that’s nonsense. You chose to move to make your life easier, rather than continuing to commute. Thats on you. In the meantime, the mum is left with the day-to-day grind.

Posters here have tried to explain why a call might feel intrusive. The camera may only be in the spare room but that’s missing the point.

Ideally yes, there would be no issues with you calling your son. And if your ex is just stopping them as a power move then yes, that’s dickish. But it sounds as if this was a particularly acrimonious split and although you’ve tried to paint her as controlling, the incidences you’re describing make you sound pretty controlling yourself. It’s just poor all round.

You say you believe your child is ND but undiagnosed. Most ND folk are better with structure, knowing what’s going to happen and when. Unplanned calls can make them dysregulated - it’s possible that your ex is seeing a fallout after the call. Or your son may find it harder to do other things that evening because of the unplanned call. Multiple things can be true - she may be cutting off the calls just to piss you off, but also, she may be dealing with behaviour you’re unaware of.

In your last post you said that you’re moving back. That’s a positive start. And yes, given that your co-parenting relationship seems to be poor, you’ll have to go through the courts. However, as your child is 14 years old it should be much easier as they get a say in what they want. 50/50 contact should be easily attainable. That would solve the problem, right?

I’m AuDHD myself with ND DC, and I’ve given similar advice to a female friend recently. Focus your energies on getting a practical solution in place - wasting your headspace on bitterness about your ex’s behaviour achieves nothing. You say your move back is imminent so start the ball rolling now with your solicitor. Court action takes time so get started.

Good luck with your future plans.
Your children need to see that you’re trying even if it does mean going back to court.
My parents divorced when I was 10, it was acrimonious and bitter, our Mum used to try and turn us against our Dad/limit access.
In the end, over the course of 5 years he ended up with all of us permanently 🙈 The eldest went first, then me a couple of years later then the youngest a couple of years after that.
Our Dad never gave up and we knew that, he is still our go to parent despite us all being grown up, he was/is amazing especially when 30 odd years ago being a single Dad was a rarity. I was the only one throughout secondary school in my group of peers that lived with their Dad as sadly too often they aren’t seen for dust.

I don't think it's particularly unreasonable for the resident parent to limit screen time during their parenting time. As you said, you'd already been on the phone ten mins, so she isn't stopping contact. I think prolonged calls to your ex's house are intrusive and unwelcome.

If you're concerned about your ds' social contact, that's a different topic to discuss with your ex and has many solutions. I also think you absolutely do have the option to move closer and do more parenting. But it seems like the only solution you want is for her to give way and you do get what you want. Which is probably why she doesn't want your presence in her home.

Who are you talking about now?

You sound very difficult and full of resentment for your ex anyway.

I can’t say it would bother me, my son games with friends online. If my DH and I were apart and he wanted to online game with his Dad instead of one of his mates I would have 0 problem with this as long as school work was done and I wasn’t expected to allow more screen time then the settings currently allow.
If it hadn’t been you and it had been one of his friends I very much doubt she would have halted the game of chess.
I think you need to be present more though, you’ve described your son as neurodiverse who would get a lot out of your interactions because he is isolated.
My eldest is Autistic but has found his tribe (thankfully as primary school was awful) in secondary, however there have been times when he has had to rely on us doing things with him as he literally had no one else that wanted to hang out with him and do the activity he wanted.
Your son is of an age where he can choose who he lives with, if you have joint parental custody then there is nothing to stop you asking your Son if he would prefer to spend more time with you.
You moved 100 miles away back into your house, you may have to look at your options to be able to have more of an influence on your children, longer time in the holidays doesn’t really cut it especially if the description of your ex as controlling is accurate.

Drives over and takes them out I suppose

I think this bears repeating. Also if chess is good for your son why not try to get him involved with a chess club so he can make more healthy friends.

Go to the courts. Your children have the right to talk with you as much as they like. She's being a terrible parent.

As you’ve found, you’ll get a lot of responses making you out to a total arse, just because you’re a man. The first few responses were exactly what happens on here, people pick away until they find a thread in your story that they can swoop on and make out you’re to blame.

ignore the biased responses, there have been some good ones…

Based on the information you've given, it would certainly seem to be in your son's best interests to have the freedom to choose to play a game of online chess with you. It's not happening excessively or at antisocial hours. The phrase 'in his own time ' being used my his mum does not suggest child centered decision making. I can understand your frustration for your son.

But you would know all this already and clearly do so I'm curious about why you've posted.

I'd also like to know what it would take for you to be able to live close to your son.