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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect my ex to stop disrupting calls with our son?

188 replies

GearC · 21/03/2026 00:09

My ex-wife shut down an online chess game I was playing tonight (Friday) with my son (14). He’s very keen on chess and had asked me to play. We’d been playing for about 10 minutes. She scolded him for being on his phone too much, and when he explained he was playing with me, she said, “He(I) can do it in his own time” and insisted he end the call. This isn’t an isolated incident—she has tended to show extreme controlling behaviour over the years. She regularly disrupts or curtails our calls, and a few years ago she completely stopped our once-a-fortnight video calls, saying they “invaded her privacy.” (I can say with 99% certainty it was actually payback for an unrelated argument a few days earlier)
For context, I have the kids (him and his 13-year-old sister) every second weekend and one evening midweek. My son is somewhat neurodiverse (undiagnosed) and has very few friends or social outlets. It’s really hard to see him spending so much time alone. These small interactions—like a game of chess—feel worthwhile. They give him a bit of connection and enjoyment, and for me they’re a way of trying to make up for the father-son time we’ve missed. Not being able to be there for him, especially given his situation, has been genuinely heartbreaking.
I want his mother once and for all to stop interfering in our relationship. I do nothing to interfere in her calls with the kids when I have them. They can talk as long as they want.

OP posts:
Sensiblesal · 21/03/2026 22:06

Its a shame you live so far away & can’t up the time you have both children

she shouldn’t be doing this & whilst she might think she is getting at you, what she is doing is isolating her son.

I think you might need to talk to her and agree that now they are teenagers, within reason, they should be free to contact you by phone, text, video calls, online chess or whatever when it suits them

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 21:35

MissFeatherington · 21/03/2026 21:33

Presumably he's not allowed to speak to any friends or other relatives then, as it's her household and not her sons. Sounds awful for the poor boy.

You're being disingenuous. Other family and friends are not the sticking point. And you know that.

MissFeatherington · 21/03/2026 21:33

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 21:27

Because the OP is inserting himself into his ex-wife's household. A game of Chess takes far longer than 10 minutes. We all know this.
It wasn't about Chess.

Presumably he's not allowed to speak to any friends or other relatives then, as it's her household and not her sons. Sounds awful for the poor boy.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 21:28

Although Chess is what the OP is playing and I think his ex-wife is wise to that.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 21:27

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 21:23

But yet, why would that be a good reason to restrict the son from playing chess online with him? Is this about punishing the dad or doing what’s right for the son?

Because the OP is inserting himself into his ex-wife's household. A game of Chess takes far longer than 10 minutes. We all know this.
It wasn't about Chess.

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 21:25

MissFeatherington · 21/03/2026 21:09

My children have been allowed (for want of a better word) to speak to their Dad whenever and for however long they like (outwith bedtimes of course - but that's never been an issue because it's a mutual agreement they went to bed in good time for school, obviously). He's their other parent for goodness sake.

All these posters only caring about the mum, not caring about the child at all or the damage limiting a relationship with a parent does.

A 14 year old playing a game of chess with his Dad on a Friday night in a room away from the main living area, Jesus wept.

A 14 year old playing a game of chess with his Dad on a Friday night in a room away from the main living area, Jesus wept.

Yes, posters seem to want the dad to be somehow worthy of the phone call with the son rather than what’s best for the son on what seems to be a pretty minor matter for a 14-year-old.

Ironically, it’s rather making the case for the dad, rather than the mum. And I am still surprised to find myself on this side of a post on Mumsnet.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 21:24

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 20:05

If he hadn't moved away in the first place he wouldn't need to move back.

Indeed. But he'd sacrificed so much, commuting to work and everything. It's not like he wanted a medal, is it?...

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 21:23

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 20:05

If he hadn't moved away in the first place he wouldn't need to move back.

But yet, why would that be a good reason to restrict the son from playing chess online with him? Is this about punishing the dad or doing what’s right for the son?

MissFeatherington · 21/03/2026 21:09

My children have been allowed (for want of a better word) to speak to their Dad whenever and for however long they like (outwith bedtimes of course - but that's never been an issue because it's a mutual agreement they went to bed in good time for school, obviously). He's their other parent for goodness sake.

All these posters only caring about the mum, not caring about the child at all or the damage limiting a relationship with a parent does.

A 14 year old playing a game of chess with his Dad on a Friday night in a room away from the main living area, Jesus wept.

sellingrocks · 21/03/2026 20:52

So will you be taking her to court for 50/50 since you are talking the talk about how it wasn’t your choice to leave and move 100 miles and be an every other weekend dad then?

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2026 20:50

GearC · 21/03/2026 15:00

It is frankly beyond me that so many "loving" mothers could attempt to characterise a 15–20 minute call between a father and his child as “intrusive.” It is a complete distortion of reality.
We are talking about a child who, through no fault of his own, was separated from a loving, involved, supportive father. Allowing him a basic, regular line of communication with his dad should be a given. To reframe that as something negative or inappropriate is, quite honestly, a form of gaslighting—trying to distort something entirely reasonable into something problematic in order to justify a position that simply doesn’t stand up to any scrutiny.
A short, private call between a father and his child does not intrude on anyone. It does not disrupt the household. It does not require the involvement or awareness of anyone else. Those who suggest otherwise are being utterly disingenuous.
If the situation were reversed, I would fully support and encourage him to speak to his mother as often and as long as he wants. That is what putting the children first actually looks like.

Being honest, would you want someone who made you feel uncomfortable listening in to your home? What if it was a person who has form for criticising your parenting or telling others you don't love your children? Can you see why that's uncomfortable?

It's clear you have a negative view of your ex. She has a right to a private life. She clearly isn't stopping contact, just doesn't want it stretching on for longer periods.

You need to make the necessary changes to have more contact with your dc to play an active parenting role, not expect your ex to further bend her boundaries.

CamillaMcCauley · 21/03/2026 20:37

DistanceCall · 21/03/2026 17:45

Because finding a job, selling your house, finding a decent rental, and organising a move can be done overnight, obviously.

They’ve been separated since before Covid so there’s been a little more time than “overnight” to get things sorted.

Anonymouseposter · 21/03/2026 20:35

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 20:05

If he hadn't moved away in the first place he wouldn't need to move back.

He moved into a property that was already his near his work.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 21/03/2026 20:05

DistanceCall · 21/03/2026 17:45

Because finding a job, selling your house, finding a decent rental, and organising a move can be done overnight, obviously.

If he hadn't moved away in the first place he wouldn't need to move back.

DistanceCall · 21/03/2026 17:45

StandingDeskDisco · 21/03/2026 16:48

Better late than never.

Because finding a job, selling your house, finding a decent rental, and organising a move can be done overnight, obviously.

StandingDeskDisco · 21/03/2026 16:48

GearC · 21/03/2026 13:58

I appreciate your considered reply.
I will be in a position to relocate closer to the children very soon. That said, my ex has already made it clear that she won’t entertain any changes to the current access arrangements so I will have to go through the courts to address that.

Edited

Better late than never.

OntheOtherFlipper · 21/03/2026 16:33

CarbGoading · 21/03/2026 14:59

You chose to move away. You could have rented nearby and sold the home 100 miles away. You could go to court to get an order allowing you to be raising your children 50/50. You would then be able to fully support your son with his difficulties. The 10 minute chess game feels important to you, but it really isn't the thing that will make your son's life better. It's just the only thing you can offer at the moment.

Well if that’s the case, it would seem that call would be beneficial to the son, then? Unless it’s about punishing the father, of course? I’m surprised to find myself in a position defending a dad on here, but come on…

JustCabbaggeLooking · 21/03/2026 16:02

EEHHH · 21/03/2026 15:59

If i had kids and anyone told me to stop talking to them, I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Men would get ripped apart if they done this but because op is the man the women is still right, fuck off is she.
No one stops anyone talking to their children.
No matter the back story its the now that matter.

I think the back story matters a lot. Rashomon effect.The ex wife's story would be interesting.

EEHHH · 21/03/2026 15:59

If i had kids and anyone told me to stop talking to them, I'd tell them to fuck right off.

Men would get ripped apart if they done this but because op is the man the women is still right, fuck off is she.
No one stops anyone talking to their children.
No matter the back story its the now that matter.

GreyCarpet · 21/03/2026 15:53

Phone calls or video calls that are hours long are intrusive. Yes, you’re calling your kid not her, but you are her ex. She doesn’t want your presence in her house, even if it is not in person.

I mean, that's kind of tough shit really. He's her ex but he's also the child's father.

My son used to have a weekly online gaming session with his dad that started at the beginning of lockdown.

I didn't see that as my ex being present in my house. I can't actually think of a single time that I was bothered by either of my children speaking to their dad.

It literally had no impact on me.

I'm amazed by some of these responses. Well, I mean, I'm not. But come on, some of these replies are ridiculous.

Hatewatcher · 21/03/2026 15:44

No matter what you say OP women will "stay mad" as another poster said just because you deign to be a man. Having a penis on this site means you're evil and they throw around a lot of projection because theyre unhappy.

Yumyogurt · 21/03/2026 15:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CarbGoading · 21/03/2026 15:06

NotMajorTom · 21/03/2026 13:31

As you’ve found, you’ll get a lot of responses making you out to a total arse, just because you’re a man. The first few responses were exactly what happens on here, people pick away until they find a thread in your story that they can swoop on and make out you’re to blame.

ignore the biased responses, there have been some good ones…

FWIW, if a mother said "I moved 100 miles away from my kids, i have them EOW, and their controlling father told stopped them from playing chess with me" I would be saying exactly the same thing to her - why did you move so far away, move back, go to court, get 50/50 custody and be a real presense in your children's lives. Then the 10 min chess game won't be the be all and end all.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 21/03/2026 15:04

GearC · 21/03/2026 15:00

It is frankly beyond me that so many "loving" mothers could attempt to characterise a 15–20 minute call between a father and his child as “intrusive.” It is a complete distortion of reality.
We are talking about a child who, through no fault of his own, was separated from a loving, involved, supportive father. Allowing him a basic, regular line of communication with his dad should be a given. To reframe that as something negative or inappropriate is, quite honestly, a form of gaslighting—trying to distort something entirely reasonable into something problematic in order to justify a position that simply doesn’t stand up to any scrutiny.
A short, private call between a father and his child does not intrude on anyone. It does not disrupt the household. It does not require the involvement or awareness of anyone else. Those who suggest otherwise are being utterly disingenuous.
If the situation were reversed, I would fully support and encourage him to speak to his mother as often and as long as he wants. That is what putting the children first actually looks like.

I thought it was a 10 minute call? It appears to be getting longer.

What are you arguing with women on Mumsnet for, exactly? Stop writing us ChatGPT essays. Go to court and sort out custody/visitation with your children. Move closer to them to facilitate this.

GearC · 21/03/2026 15:00

Stompythedinosaur · 21/03/2026 14:13

I don't think it's particularly unreasonable for the resident parent to limit screen time during their parenting time. As you said, you'd already been on the phone ten mins, so she isn't stopping contact. I think prolonged calls to your ex's house are intrusive and unwelcome.

If you're concerned about your ds' social contact, that's a different topic to discuss with your ex and has many solutions. I also think you absolutely do have the option to move closer and do more parenting. But it seems like the only solution you want is for her to give way and you do get what you want. Which is probably why she doesn't want your presence in her home.

It is frankly beyond me that so many "loving" mothers could attempt to characterise a 15–20 minute call between a father and his child as “intrusive.” It is a complete distortion of reality.
We are talking about a child who, through no fault of his own, was separated from a loving, involved, supportive father. Allowing him a basic, regular line of communication with his dad should be a given. To reframe that as something negative or inappropriate is, quite honestly, a form of gaslighting—trying to distort something entirely reasonable into something problematic in order to justify a position that simply doesn’t stand up to any scrutiny.
A short, private call between a father and his child does not intrude on anyone. It does not disrupt the household. It does not require the involvement or awareness of anyone else. Those who suggest otherwise are being utterly disingenuous.
If the situation were reversed, I would fully support and encourage him to speak to his mother as often and as long as he wants. That is what putting the children first actually looks like.

OP posts: