AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

I've not read the full thread so apologies if I'm repeating others. Please stop blaming yourself OP for your miscarriages, they are not your fault and certainly not in any way punishment for past 'misdemeanors'. In fact, early miscarriages are far more likely caused by a problem with the sperm. Is your husband taking as good care of himself as you are? Not that you should be blaming him either - the blame game will always be a hiding to nothing. Take care and best wishes for a good outcome 🙏

I think you should tell him, you're a team and you need his support. You also really, really need to let go of any notion that you're at any kind of 'fault' for your previous losses. Don't do that.

Praying so hard for a happy outcome for you.

2 miscarriages is really common OP. I'd hold off telling him until you get to your 12 week scan, after the first trimester odds are overwhelming for a viable pregnancy good luck and look to enjoy it as much as you can.

tell him so he can support you. It’s not fair you have to go through this alone.

I had many miscarriages … 4 of them were missed miscarriages so i understand your anxiety. After the first 3 I was lucky and could afford to have weekly private scans which helped with anxiety.

I’m sorry for your losses OP and I’m really rooting for you this time. If I remember rightly the booking appointment with a midwife (if in UK) is around 8/9 weeks so it might be worth booking that if you feel you can. They might be able to offer some additional monitoring based on the history and they’ll be able to book your 12 week scan which is only a few weeks away.
I personally had an early scan as soon as I found out, they were readily available even on weekends for about £100 and gave me great peace of mind. I didn’t want to get my hopes up until I’d seen a heartbeat for myself.

Telling your DH is entirely when you feel ready. I completely understand not wanting to get his hopes up, but also you need support and it might be great to support eachother through this scary but also exciting time

Good luck and I’m really hoping for the outcome you deserve 🤞

Hand hold op and everything crossed.

Lots of my friends have had multiple miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies. Don’t worry about telling your DH yet if you don’t want to. As PP have said you can get yourself in for a private scan first if you feel the need to double check. Sending love xx

I’d say try to see your GP or early pregnancy unit (where I am, because of previous miscarriages I could self refer to mine).
We had an early scan to confirm viable pregnancy at 7 weeks, then I was put onto a dose of aspirin daily and given progesterone pessaries to use until 12 weeks pregnant. It worked and our daughter is now 7 months old.
I totally get the fear and anxiety though, every single time I got a twinge or went to the toilet I was so anxious checking for bleeds and it did overshadow the joy a bit. However, I would suggest still telling your husband, you’re going to want his support either way whether it’s a successful pregnancy or whether it’s not. It’s easier to be able to talk about your fears as a team xx wishing you all the sticky glue ❤️ nine weeks so you’re nearly there x

I have 3 kids, but also had 4 miscarriages, it's awful.
One of the times I was pregnant I decided not to tell my husband, so that it didn't hurt him. But then I thought if i miscarried again (which I did) I would not have any support, also that he would be wondering what was wrong with me and I'd be distant, upset etc. I also promised to never, ever lie to him. I would have to be a secret forever.
I'm glad I did tell him, even though it didn't work out.
Also, have you been to the hospital about your miscarriages?

I had a miscarriage and then a still birth. I was 36.
i knew i was pregnant for three weeks before i told my husband.
I -like you- didn’t want to get his , or my, hopes up.
It was like a big secret I hugged to myself -me and my baby. As long as I didn’t burst the bubble it might, just might be ok.
And it was -she’s 18 now & drives me bonkers but I adore her with every fibre of my being.
Hang on in there @DeepShaker every day is a day closer.
Sending you love and my very very best wishes .

A viability scan at this point will give you some useful information as to miscarriage risk

You can get a private scan from 7 weeks to look for a heartbeat. Once there’s a heartbeat you can see, it drastically decreases chance of miscarriage so that could be reassuring for you if you booked one.

The other medical thing you can do to help is to speak to your GP about taking progesterone. Many women who have had multiple previous miscarriages are put on it for their first trimester.

It’s so tough. I lost two and third one made it but I found the first 12 weeks unbearable but then it did got better. I told my partner and my manager only and then followed up with we won’t speak about it until I get much further on.

I found extra scans in the early part helped me although very emotional. The person doing the scans - for a healthy pregnancy even early at 9 weeks can find a heart beat quickly.

take it all day by day and good luck

you should tell him. This is something you are both going through together

Tell him. You will need him to know either way.
see your doctor immediately about a referral so you have consultant led care. There may be a common reason behind your miscarriages or there may not. For a friend it was a blood thing and she was given a very mild blood thinner for a short time. But don’t mess about - get proper clinical support.

My dd had 2 misses before going on to have her first - followed within 2 years by her second. She was 38 and 39.

Hang on in there, OP - AFAIK it’s pretty common. All best wishes for now! 🤞

Keeping everything crossed for you. Such support for you on this thread. I had a friend who had 8 miscarriages back in nineties before having her two (now grown up) sons.

I hope some of these comments resonate with you and you can find further strength from them and ideas on how to look after yourself xx

That's a tough one. I think I would tell him but my reasoning is that if you don't, then if you were to have a miscarriage (I'm not suggesting you are all that likely to), it might be harder to tell him about that, just when you most need support.

You don't have to tell DH until you feel ready, OP. Sending hugs and crossing fingers for you. Xx

Sending you sticky baby dust I hope everything goes well, but I would still suggest getting a GP appointment booked as I think some therapy will help you process all of the trauma. Miscarriages are trauma and even being successfully pregnant doesn’t always mitigate the trauma and anxiety so getting therapy to help you process and hopefully get to enjoy your pregnancy would be good. I personally would tell DH for the support but that is up to you.

Just to add a friend had multiple miscarriages after a successful first pregnancy and she required progesterone injections I believe to maintain her pregnancy and managed to successfully have two more children. So don’t give up and good luck!

i would really suggest you see a counsellor who specialises in fertility. It helped me a lot after a miscarriage. Hopefully this one sticks but if not please do consider having tests as there are many options for things that can help. Even non invasive things like aspirin.

Lots of us have had 2 miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies - I did, so did friends at work. Don’t despair lovey there’s always hope

OP congratulations I really hope this pregnancy goes well for you. I had 2 miscarriages before giving birth to 3 healthy DC. I still have no idea why I miscarried. You should tell your DC so you can share the excitement together.... and if you were to miscarry again you'll need his support. Don't carry anything heavy. On my first successful pregnancy I rested a lot and had a few earlier nights. 🤞

OP, I have no direct experience of miscarriage however a friend of mine had eight and went on to have a healthy little girl.

Don’t give up hope - wishing you all the best for this pregnancy.

I had three recorded mcs in my mid to late 30s before having DS2. I know that is different because I did have DS1 but it isn’t rare, sadly, to have three or more early mcs and go on to have a DC. If you have another loss you must push for investigations in case there is something that can be done rather than it being a case of defective eggs, which it was in my case.

Your DH needs to have a very strong word with his DM as my DH did with his DF, although my FIL just asked why we hadn’t had DC rather than anything worse.