AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

I really love this site sometimes.

Can't type anymore as I'm in public and in danger of crying!

OP I just wanted to tell you how you are feeling is completely normal and share my experience.

I had my first miscarriage at the end of February - the timing couldn’t have been worse tbh. I had endometriosis excision surgery last year (couldn’t conceive and had a lot of symptoms), followed by en egg collection, and was ready to start my embryo transfer protocol only to discover I had actually fallen pregnant naturally at the baseline scan. But I was only pregnant for long enough to just delay my embryo transfer for a few months. It felt like a bit of a sick joke.

I was in a deep depression afterwards - it peaked about 3 weeks after the bleeding stopped. I had non stop crying on the train, and I couldn’t muster a shred of positivity about being able to have a baby and my mind could only think of the worst case scenario. At the same time I had never wanted a baby more strongly. I felt so sad that my skin literally hurt, I’ve never had this before. My brother in law’s girlfriend - who is 42 and fell pregnant 3 months into them dating (found out that news just as I had found out I had ovarian endometriosis) - gave birth during that time and I felt like the sky had fallen in.

Then one morning I woke up and I felt like this rock had been lifted off me and the crying just completely stopped. Literally overnight. I now have a lot of hormonal joint pain as I’m waiting for my period to come back, but that horror show emotional phase of the miscarriage seems to be over. I’m meeting the new baby this weekend and I’m actually looking forward to it, this time last week it made me feel nauseated and devastated and I had told my DH I couldn’t go to meet the baby.

I don’t think women are told enough about what to expect with a miscarriage. The hormonal crash is no joke. And why the guidance is that it is “like a heavy period” I will never understand!

I can understand why you don’t want to tell your DH. Even after just my one miscarriage I think - if this transfer does work later this year - my brain will link pregnancy with loss and it will be hard to get excited or trust I won’t miscarry again. I understand the shame - I told my DH I felt I had let him down - but know that it is very very common for women to experience this and he is your support and loves you.

I personally found it even harder to experience infertility and loss without feeling I could talk to people about it. I’m sorry about the horrible comments from your in-laws. I feel a lot pressure from my in-laws to get pregnant and I made the decision to tell them about the miscarriage, to get them to back off in a way - I couldn’t handle an insensitive comment when I was feeling so fragile, so in effect I put them on notice. Ask your DH to be your bouncer! Get him to tell his parents certain topics are off limits. It’s one way he can help and men can feel helpless in these situations.

Don’t force yourself to “push through” with the new baby - you will just make it worse and it will get easier with time. I understand how the “ugly feelings” make you feel like a bad person, but it is a physiological response you are having and that you are not in control of. It is NOT a case of mind over matter, that if you were a better or stronger person you would be able to handle it and only have joy about the new baby. You are raw now, but you won’t always be, and it doesn’t mean you will always feel like this about the baby.

I would recommend the podcast The Worst Girl Gang ever. It really helped me listening to women talk about their experiences and stories of hope. But honestly I would say for me it was ultimately time and my hormones shifting back to baseline that allowed me to even imagine a future with a baby again.

Sending so much love and strength, and really hoping this pregnancy works out xxxx

I think you’re right to wait. But I also think you’re so harsh on yourself as if it’s something you’ve done wrong. It could be just really bad luck. It could be down to issues with your husband’s sperm. It could be that you could do things that wouldn’t be overly invasive but might help sustain the pregnancy. Even if that were the case it doesn’t mean you’ve failed in some way. Therapy with someone who specialises in this area could really support you.

It’s awful that family members are talking in that way. If your MIL is saying things like that to your husband I’d asked him not to pass it on. If she’s saying it to you then give her both barrels. I agree that it’s hard to be investigated just after a miscarriage but if this one doesn’t work out for any reason it might reassure you to have some expert advice. You may also want to pay for an early private scan.

Really good luck OP.

First of all, I really hope this one stays. Definitely speak to your partner about it - he will want to support you. Second - Miscarriages are really devastating and I’m not surprised you’re feeling like this. I have a similar experience of struggling after having multiple miscarraiges. I genuinely didn’t understand that I was depressed (and was diagnosed with PTSD, very very common after miscarriages - I had no idea!) but therapy helped a lot. It’s very hard to extricate yourself from that mental state without specialist help. And finally, I would really strongly urge you to see a fertility specialist if things don’t go your way this time. It could be your partner’s sperm, it could be a thyroid issue as someone else said. Definitely don’t write yourself off yet, maybe IVF would be right for you, maybe it’s not necessary and everything is fine. My one big regret is listening to people saying it’s normal to have miscarriages, being afraid of being told something was wrong, and not getting tested sooner. Would have saved years of heartbreak. Best of luck with everything.

Fully agree with this. Progesterone was my saver!

That’s quite an extreme leap here. Sometimes easy and simple fixes (progesterone or aspirin) can help you carry the baby. You clearly can fall pregnant on your own without help. i had lots of miscarriages and now have two healthy children.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy and please tell your DH and you can have an early scan for some reassurance. All the best for you.

It wasn’t the scan she was objecting to. It was saying “At 9 weeks you’ll see a heartbeat” and “At 9 weeks you’re likely to have a successful pregnancy”. The fact is you can be “9 weeks” but the baby actually stopped growing a while before. I’ve had 3 missed miscarriages now. The first one was discovered at a 10 week scan - baby stopped growing at 5 weeks. Second one was discovered at 8 weeks - was a blighted ovum - no embryo seen - just a sac. Third was discovered at 7 week scan - baby stopped growing at 6 weeks.

If the OP has a scan now and it’s on track and sees a heartbeat then yes the chances of success are much higher.

It does happen that many people attend their 12 week scan thinking it’s all fine but find out the baby stopped growing weeks before. Or sometimes people have a normal miscarriage at say 10 weeks but if they never had a scan they actually wouldn’t know at what point the baby stopped growing. It can take weeks for the body to realise sometimes. And you often continue having symptoms as usual the entire time as your body thinks it’s pregnant.

I feel I really benefited from my DH support after my miscarriage. When I found out I was pregnant again I came out of the bathroom sobbing with fear and he helped me through it. It also helped that he knew when I had spotting and panicked I was losing it again. He made sure I got a scan and was with me every step of the way. Obviously it’s up to you but I don’t think I could have coped without him knowing.
I ended up having a baby boy! So it ended well in the end. Also don’t give up after 3 miscarriages, they only start investigating then and it may be an easy fix, my friend had 3 and it turned out all she needed was baby aspirin. I think it is horrific that you have to wait for 3 for them to investigate, especially when it ends up being something so simple like it was for my friend

Wishing you all the luck in the world for this pregnancy OP. You will know when the time is right to tell him but in the meantime you might find it useful to talk to someone and the miscarriage association has a support helpline if you need it

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/how-we-help/

I do also agree that you sound a bit depressed OP, while any miscarriage is devastating, you haven’t even had any investigations as to why so I think to jump from that to accepting you’ll never have biological children is a big, unnecessary at the moment, leap! There are all sorts of reasons for miscarriages that have solutions so I wouldn’t give up hope right now at all. A friend of mine had 6 miscarriages before her first, it was to do with her thyroid and once that was managed she went on to have a successful pregnancy.

In saying that, I totally understand you wanting to keep this one quiet at the moment as it feels like you’re more in control and you’re not giving in to the “roller coaster” as much by not saying it out loud.

I honestly think it’s up to you, there is no rush, maybe you could do a private scan to see how things are progressing and then see how you feel after that?

I feel for you. I was miserable beyond belief after my second miscarriage and fearful too. When I was pregnant for the third time I did tell my husband when I tested positive. He could then support me and understand my caution and fear. We didn't talk as though it was really going to be a baby until about 20 weeks! Not buying things or discussing names but supporting our health etc. I did talk to my GP and because of my previous miscarriages and my anxiety I did have an NHS scan at 7 weeks which was moderately reassuring and a phone number for the EPAC (Early Pregnancy something Centre?) My son was born healthy and full term and I chose to be a "one and done" . I wish you all the best OP

yep - I needed extra progesterone. Frustratingly it took years to get to that knowledge. (We needed IVF regardless for additional issues)

It’s horribly common to experience a miscarriage. Once I told a couple of people there seemed like a flood of women with similar experiences. I know it doesn’t make your losses easier but know that there lots of people that will understand how you are feeling.

I think you need to share what’s happening with your DH - he’d want to support you I’m sure.

Sending loads of good wishes to you!

You’ve been through such a difficult time OP. I would tell your husband. He can share the burden with you and support you. You don’t need to protect him from getting his hopes up, although that’s very sweet. I really hope this pregnancy is successful.
what your MIL said is despicable.
Take care.

I feel for you and totally understand why you are reluctant to say anything. If you need to keep your news to yourself then give yourself a date when you will tell your DH. Maybe another week but remember the sooner you tell him the sooner you can start ante natal care. Good luck, the whole of mumsnet is rooting for you 🍀

I think it's fine to take some time to tell your husband, especially as you know in the circumstances he will be happy that you're pregnant, so you're not keeping a bombshell from him or anything. It's your body and it's a lot for you to process, so it's more than reasonable to sit with the news until you feel ready to share it. I would just suggest not to wait too long because early pregnancy is very difficult and experiencing another miscarriage will obviously be devastating if that happens, so no matter what, you're going to eventually need his support. Keeping everything crossed that this pregnancy goes well.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had my daughter. For my pregnancy I was put on aspirin and progesterone. Those are the guidelines in NI. I’m sure they’re the same in the rest of the UK. Get in touch with your GP or early pregnancy unit immediately.

Do whatever helps you manage, OP. This is so hard. I understand not wanting to tell your husband but you need someone to talk about it all with. Is there a friend you can tell? And I agree that talking to your GP is a good idea, and/or a miscarriage charity like SANDS?

I'm not sure about talking to a midwife- they are likely to talk in terms of this pregnancy going ahead positively and if you are too nervous to want to consider that yet, you might want to wait for a few weeks to get started with the midwives.

Ah OP that is so tough, you must be so worried. I can totally understand you not wanting to tell your DH yet.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this but it might be worth talking to your GP about whether taking a low dose of aspirin could be beneficial, see this article: https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/low-dose-aspirin-may-improve-pregnancy-chances-women-one-or-two-prior-miscarriages

I really hope everything works out for you this time.

I’m sorry for your previous losses, they’re heartbreaking on their own and the impact they have on a subsequent pregnancy can be huge. I completely understand you feeling guarded and anxious but I think you should tell your husband. If this is a continuing pregnancy you need each others support and if it sadly doesn’t progress you still need each others support - I don’t think keeping it from him now would help either of you to cope with another loss. You’d potentially feel more lonely in your grief and he might struggle to process it given that he never knew. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him.

Practically you should in with a midwife so you can make sure you’re getting the antenatal care (mentally and physically) that you need.

I really hope this is your time 💐

^^this. I had three easy and successful pregnancies between 27 and 35 but because unexpectedly pregnant at 45!

Unfortunately that pregnancy and a subsequent pregnancy didn’t work out and we went for third time lucky armed with aspirin throughout, and progesterone in the first trimester, DD was born when I was 47 and is now a very healthy 8 yr old.

My point is that although you are much younger in the grand scheme of things, you may need some simple support.

i wish you so much luck for this pregnancy 🍀 x

You may just need extra progesterone, don’t give up having children when you’re clearly able to get pregnant successfully. I hope you tell your husband and seek his support. If you start to miscarry it will come as such a shock to him that you hadn’t told him.

I agree with others re scan. You could get one today or in the next few days.

Hi OP, also wanting to offer hope. I had 3 miscarriages before going on to have 3 healthy children. Go to your GP and demand progesterone.

I think you should tell your DH; you are in this together. Should the worst happen again, you will need him to support you. It’s a shared grief.

When I was pregnant after infertility and miscarriage I paid for a scan at a private hospital with a consultant. I wanted the reassurance of seeing a senior doctor rather than a sonographer. He did a scan, took measurements and said the embryo had implanted in the right spot. I had been a nervous wreck but I found his matter of fact medical comments enormously reassuring. Something to look into if you have the means.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you.