AIBU - I do not want to tell DH I’m pregnant it’ll only get his hopes up after previous miscarriages

Best of luck!

Wonderful update, gentle hugs to you!

Sending love OP, if you haven’t already pls contact your GP about being given progesterone, there is NICE guidance around it being prescribed to women that have experienced similar, I was prescribed it after two losses. Although not usual by a GP mine was able to. Praying all goes well for you xx

I think it's good that you now have each other.

No need to tell anyone else at all if you feel that's best.

We ended up not telling anyone until I was 16wks.

Best of luck for the scan Op.

Oh sorry just found your update! I'm glad you told him. Fingers crossed!!!!

This is all true op.

I think at 9 weeks a viability scan would be very informative.

If you think about this, the pregnancy is either going to progress or you will have a need for support, and I think either way your DH needs to know - for both of your sakes. I do understand the temptation to try to navigate this by yourself, but I do think you both need him to know either of those outcomes. The MIL comments were cruel but they are what they are: ignorant and thoughtless puffs of hot air.

I'd be inclined to have the scan first then tell him the result either way. That way he knows if he is breath-holding at the moment you tell him, or supporting and working through disappointment together, and sometimes the not knowing is the hardest bit in terms of rollercoaster emotions.

You are not to blame in any of this and do not need to protect your DH or hide the reality.

Sending you good wishes and positive thoughts op.

Will keep everything crossed for you both.

Oh I cross posted too! Forget what I said! Apart from the bit where I said I hope it all goes well this time! 😘

Oh bloody cross post 😂 😂

@DeepShaker

Yes, keep it to yourself for as long as you can. I am so sorry for your previous losses, and am wishing you all the best luck in the world with this one!

I think you should tell him. Firstly as you say, it’s a journey. It’s a journey you are both on together, and I think being together through it is important. I don’t think it’s fair to not tell him really, and you have to at some point. My X used to not tell me big news in case it got my hopes up and I hated it, it felt so infantilising.
and secondly, what happens if (I am so hope this won’t happen) you miscarry?! You’d need to tell him, you would need love and support. And then he’s got to deal with not only losing it but the fact he didn’t know. That would make it so much worse for you.

I hope everything goes well for you OP, I really do. Good luck.

Have you spoken to your GP and asked for a referral to the recurrent miscarriage clinic? I’ve had four miscarriages and two successful pregnancies whilst using progesterone.

I’m currently 8 weeks pregnant and as soon as I found out my GP put lots of referrals in, they got me onto progesterone, booked me in for early scans. In my region at least, this is offered to anybody that has had two miscarriages in a row. You can also self refer for early reassurance scans with your EPU following miscarriages.

Can I recommend Tommy's charity to you? They are excellent and provide advice regarding miscarriage and early pregnancy after losses.

I received counselling via my GP after my second miscarriage, up to the birth of my dd. Please ask your GP for support, it could help you manage your feelings during this pregnancy and afterwards too.

Sending you strength and hope x

Just wanted to give a handhold. I have PCOS and was given a leaflet and told I probably wouldn’t have children naturally. Nice.

We tried for 7 years, and had 3 miscarriages. Gave up, sold up and moved abroad. A year in and I was quite poorly and didn’t fancy the local rum anymore. I was pregnant! Returned to the UK to continue my pregnancy. Was very anxious throughout. Healthy boy delivered! I was 31. Went on to have three children in total, but sadly with a miscarriage between each healthy pregnancy. I was 31, 35 and 39 with each healthy baby, and 7 miscarriages in total (one was an accident at 43).

There is hope. Everything crossed for you. I was so anxious I bought a fetal doppler so I could check the heartbeat anytime I felt panicked, but I understand it makes some women more anxious if they can’t find it, but it helped me. Best wishes.

@HappyBert said it much better than I managed to last night.

OP, I don't know if you find this sort of thing comforting, but I do - ignore it if it doesn't help:

Early miscarriages are incredibly common. Usually, they happen because the embryo doesn't have the right number of chromosomes and just can't develop. Even for a woman under 30, a third to a quarter of the time she ovulates, the egg just can't develop into a foetus, even if nothing else is wrong. It's completely natural. Very early on, you sometimes won't even know you miscarried. But sometimes, your body holds on to the embryo and the egg sac around it keeps growing, so your body thinks you are still pregnant and sends you all the symptoms. It's actually hard to know how many pregnancies are lost in the first half of the first trimester (up to six weeks), but it's a huge number. Some estimates reckon that 70% of all fertilised eggs don't make it to six weeks, and this includes quite a lot that would show up on a pregnancy test but won't make it further.

It's really, really normal.

Sometimes, your body carries on holding on to a pregnancy for longer. Usually, an early miscarriage doesn't happen right away - it happens slowly, so, very sadly, an embryo that stops developing at six weeks or seven weeks will likely show up on a pregnancy test at 9 weeks. The scan will tell you whether there is a heartbeat, or whether there isn't. As @HappyBert says, if there is a heartbeat at 9 weeks, your chances are quite good.

Having two early miscarriages doesn't say anything about how likely you are to have a successful pregnancy now. It's horrible and scary waiting. I know what it feels like. But please don't feel as if there's something 'wrong' with you that this has happened, and please don't blame yourself.

Couldn't read and run. I'm so so sorry about your previous pregnancies. I've had one miscarriage myself and it sent me up the wall. I'll never forget it as long as I live. I had a healthy pregnancy and DC1 very soon after.

There is no advice I can give other than please have hope and tell DH whenever you feel ready but you will need him for support for the first scan either way. 9 weeks though! That's positive! In your position I needed to get the early private scan to see the heartbeat or not. I just couldn't wait 12 weeks. But equally it's not too long to go until the 12 week scan.

I really hope it works out for you and you get your baby x

I do think you should tell him. If you do t and do go on to miscarry surely he’d realise something is wrong and you’d want his support, rather that him thinking you’re being upset over nothing. And if it is successful (which I really hope it is) would he be upset that he didn’t know sooner? Either way, do what feels right for you.

But if you are 9 weeks I would definitely suggest a private scan to see if there’s a heartbeat. It’s still obviously not a guarantee, but at 9 weeks with a heartbeat, the chance of it continuing greatly increases. I had a miscarriage first pregnancy and definitely needed that early scan with my following two to see that heartbeat and give me hope that it would be okay.

You should see a midwife though. They may be able to prescribe progesterone or something to help. And also to get on the list for the 12 week scan. If you wait much longer it could be delayed. Or if you do miscarry, see someone to see what it could be. It’s not “something wrong with you”, it could be a really easy fix. A friend has just found out she had a thyroid issue after 10 years of TTC and a few miscarriages. That was resolved and she got pregnant almost immediately - she’s just had a successful 12 week scan.

keeping everything crossed for you.

Can you consider IVF if god forbid something happens?

Everything crossed for you.
However you need investigation irrespective of this pgcy. It’s entirely possible there are some things going on that they could fix or help with. Please please see a private MC consultant asap.

Honestly, it sounds like you’re in a worse place than him following your miscarriages. You should tell him, because if you miscarry again you are going to need his support.

I know it’s early days, and you are right to not get your hopes up, but congratulations! You are pregnant. 🩵🩵🩵

Not telling him is adding to your stress and you should be taking things easy, if he knew he would be looking after you.

I just wanted to suggest using your private insurance or own money to go and see a specialist in recurrent miscarriage right now whilst you're pregnant.

There are treatments for some issues and it could be something as simple as taking aspirin or additional progesterone that could potentially help maintain this pregnancy.

Obviously this is not the case for everyone but why not find out if there's a treatable cause.