Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:44

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 05:29

So what was the man in the op doing that would make someone fearful, apart from existing

Her point is that’s all he needs to do. Exist. That being alone with an unknown man is threatening when somewhere remote like the woods. And he could have kept more distance to help her feel more comfortable because it’s conscientious when we all share a planet. Are you really that dense?

gamerchick · 21/03/2026 05:44

Geewhizzzz · 20/03/2026 21:22

So you walk past him. Obviously you were looking at him as you believed he was a she until you got close. He has most definitely looked over his shoulder at you and thinking is she still looking at me. You then turn and walk back in his direction. He then opens his back pack...I imagine to get his pepper spray at the ready.

I was thinking similar. The OP was acting more suspiciously than the dude. 😆

Tinytimmy123 · 21/03/2026 05:37

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 04:41

Maybe if woman spend more time and effort on instincts when going into relationships with men with red flags coming out of every surface instead seeing a random man and thinking he is up to no good

Men could /should spend more time and effort becoming more self aware, kinder, less selfish, less cheaty, and less misogynistic then the hypervigilance and red flag hunting wouldnt be such a big issue.

Hummingbirdyy · 21/03/2026 05:36

I wouldn't worry OP. He probably identifies as a woman so all good.

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 05:29

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 04:43

Maybe if women paid less attention to everyone belittling their fears and telling them they're paranoid nutcases, they'd be better at spotting red flags?

So what was the man in the op doing that would make someone fearful, apart from existing

NobodysChildNow · 21/03/2026 05:14

Whataninterestinglookingpotato · 20/03/2026 21:13

Are you generally a very anxious person OP? Is this a very isolated place? I’m guessing not if you quickly ran into two more women. Was the man paying you any attention or just going about his business?

maybe I’m blasé but I rarely feel like this. For the most part people are just going about their lives and it’s pretty unlikely anything would happen in broad day light on a well used path.

my friend’s 18 yo sister was dragged from a well used path into a bush and raped. She was walking her soppy dog (which ran off) and wearing jeans. It was daytime and sunny. She screamed but of course but there wasn’t immediately any one nearby and he had a knife and she was scared he would kill her.

Women can never be too careful and should always, always be alert.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:13

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/03/2026 05:09

Always trust your gut instincts

This. ‘The gift of fear’ talks about it. Rather be embarrassed than dead.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 05:12

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

One time I was walking alone through a back street and a man came up to me to ask for a lighter then apologised profusely when I started shaking.

they know. They understand.
they can do better.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/03/2026 05:09

Always trust your gut instincts

Boringmel · 21/03/2026 05:05

I don’t understand what you think he did wrong. What exactly do you think he should have done differently? Had a different hairstyle? Not stopped to get something (maybe his water bottle) out of his backpack?

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 04:43

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 04:41

Maybe if woman spend more time and effort on instincts when going into relationships with men with red flags coming out of every surface instead seeing a random man and thinking he is up to no good

Maybe if women paid less attention to everyone belittling their fears and telling them they're paranoid nutcases, they'd be better at spotting red flags?

PollyBell · 21/03/2026 04:41

Tinytimmy123 · 21/03/2026 04:36

Without getting into the nitty gritty of this particular encounter, overall I think youre right. Women are so often told to go with their instinct, listen to their gut, there might have been other nuances that set off your internal alarm that you couldn't quite put your finger on. If you feel uncomfortable go with that, if its innocent no harm done.

I walk my dog on my own all the time and usually go to public areas but occasionally go to the local forest or due to terrible.weather im the only one.out and about.. I keep my wits about me, keep my phone close to hand and usually tell someone where im going as I live alone. Family live close by. I give most people a wide berth or just walk in the opposite direction if I see them in the distance. Don't think my dog would be that much use either 😃

Some men do seem a bit more clued in, others not so much and dont seem to care they might be seen as intimidating.

Years ago I completely let loose at a man in an underpass. It was daytime but we were the only 2 there and he appeared to make a point of closing as much distance between us as possible instead of sticking to 'his side'. It might have been innocent enough but I hope my verbal lashing left a long lasting impression so he was a bit more self aware. Scared the life out of me.

Maybe if woman spend more time and effort on instincts when going into relationships with men with red flags coming out of every surface instead seeing a random man and thinking he is up to no good

Tinytimmy123 · 21/03/2026 04:36

Without getting into the nitty gritty of this particular encounter, overall I think youre right. Women are so often told to go with their instinct, listen to their gut, there might have been other nuances that set off your internal alarm that you couldn't quite put your finger on. If you feel uncomfortable go with that, if its innocent no harm done.

I walk my dog on my own all the time and usually go to public areas but occasionally go to the local forest or due to terrible.weather im the only one.out and about.. I keep my wits about me, keep my phone close to hand and usually tell someone where im going as I live alone. Family live close by. I give most people a wide berth or just walk in the opposite direction if I see them in the distance. Don't think my dog would be that much use either 😃

Some men do seem a bit more clued in, others not so much and dont seem to care they might be seen as intimidating.

Years ago I completely let loose at a man in an underpass. It was daytime but we were the only 2 there and he appeared to make a point of closing as much distance between us as possible instead of sticking to 'his side'. It might have been innocent enough but I hope my verbal lashing left a long lasting impression so he was a bit more self aware. Scared the life out of me.

wombat1a · 21/03/2026 04:33

Have you thought that mabe he stopped because he felt threatened by a strange woman who passed him, and then turned around and started following him only a few feet behind him.

I think your actions OP are strange to say the least.

Hallamule · 21/03/2026 04:29

Mamabearandcubs · 21/03/2026 01:22

I would feel the same as you OP as unfortunately the sad world we live in is that females are not safe walking remote places these days.

Lol not like the good old days when nothing bad ever happened to women.

Whilst I do believe that men should take a little care not to behave in such a way that they may come across as predatory to lone women, I think this thread shows that just being a man is enough to trigger panic in some women and there's not much can be done about that.

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 04:28

Eh? 😳

Oh, never mind. Go and have another of whatever's making your thoughts come out all jumbled. It's the weekend, after all.

nevernotmaybe · 21/03/2026 04:23

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 04:04

apparently even existing near women is threatening

Oh, your poor masculine ego 😢💐💐😢

We are cautious about being near men in situations that could go pear-shaped. It's fairly tiresome to keep having to explain to Nice Guys ™ that women are prey to a sizeable proportion of men: enough that this knowledge warrants such caution. It's a bit like sheep (OK, talking sheep) patiently explaining, over and over, to assorted dog owners that their Fidos may well be fully sheep-trained little darlings, but the "No Dogs" sign is staying up and means what it says - because the sheep aren't gambling their lives on any potential predator being the well-behaved one.

And I bet you still don't get it.

Do you have kids? Do you never, ever warn them about actions or circumstances that might increase their risk of harm by predatory men? Really??

Saying that as you have a meltdown unable to take someone's view, from the other half of the equation equally important in everything about this.

At least you didn't engage with someone in a terrible way, that makes your views sound crazy and not worth listening to . . . . . .

Nothing happened here at all, end of story. If your kid is so terrified of existing that this situation scared them, you haven't taught them about "predatory" men, you have failed them and impacted their ability to live properly in the world.

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 04:04

Mt563 · 21/03/2026 03:40

Lol. Can you imagine the hysteria if he'd had the audacity to actually try to talk to an unknown women?! And the possible ambiguity of a gesture.when apparently even existing near women is threatening.

I really don't know what this guy could have done that would have been right for op in this situation. It seems there was nowhere else to go (so stop to let pass or continue on with op following behind) and op was uncomfortable being near him.

Edited

apparently even existing near women is threatening

Oh, your poor masculine ego 😢💐💐😢

We are cautious about being near men in situations that could go pear-shaped. It's fairly tiresome to keep having to explain to Nice Guys ™ that women are prey to a sizeable proportion of men: enough that this knowledge warrants such caution. It's a bit like sheep (OK, talking sheep) patiently explaining, over and over, to assorted dog owners that their Fidos may well be fully sheep-trained little darlings, but the "No Dogs" sign is staying up and means what it says - because the sheep aren't gambling their lives on any potential predator being the well-behaved one.

And I bet you still don't get it.

Do you have kids? Do you never, ever warn them about actions or circumstances that might increase their risk of harm by predatory men? Really??

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 21/03/2026 04:00

Morepositivemum · 21/03/2026 00:32

Why are people acting like they’re confused, if a man sees a woman and they’re isolated, him stopping and taking something out of a bloody backpack isn’t going to seem great is it? Fed up of people on mn pretending they don’t know what people are talking about or acting like the op is crazy- they were in the bloody woods, not on an open street with plenty of people! And yes men should be aware that women could be nervous of them! Ffs

He's allowed to take something out of his bag. If the OP hadn't followed him it wouldn't have been a problem.
I know that on MN the done thing is to blame men no matter what, but it's ridiculous to say men can't even walk past women now (in broad daylight with other people near).
I do think it's weird to feel so intimidated by someone that you decide to follow them, just doesn't make sense.

Mt563 · 21/03/2026 03:40

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 01:54

Quite. More people - male people inclusive - should read and learn from The Gift of Fear.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352

If the man was trying to let you pass, OP, it would've been much less dickish to look at you, maybe even gesture to pass if he's not a talker.

I'll suggest you played this wrong, though (sorry). I'd have waited longer so I wasn't trailing him, or jogged past him.

Lol. Can you imagine the hysteria if he'd had the audacity to actually try to talk to an unknown women?! And the possible ambiguity of a gesture.when apparently even existing near women is threatening.

I really don't know what this guy could have done that would have been right for op in this situation. It seems there was nowhere else to go (so stop to let pass or continue on with op following behind) and op was uncomfortable being near him.

Traxanos · 21/03/2026 03:22

Geewhizzzz · 20/03/2026 21:22

So you walk past him. Obviously you were looking at him as you believed he was a she until you got close. He has most definitely looked over his shoulder at you and thinking is she still looking at me. You then turn and walk back in his direction. He then opens his back pack...I imagine to get his pepper spray at the ready.

Men do need to be aware of how women see them but on this occasion it seems you followed him and he maybe felt unsafe ?
Stopped to let you go past and pretended to look for something ( maybe it was his pepper spray ?)

SeriaMau · 21/03/2026 02:47

You turned round in your walk, caught up with him and he paused to get his sandwiches out of his bag? Then some other women walked past. I’m bewildered. What did he do wrong?

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 02:08

This thread is actually a good example of why "Trust your instincts" and "Listen to your gut" are such rubbish mantras. Everyone quoting this is forgetting the core fact that OP's instincts were wrong, because the man did precisely nothing to her.

Plus it's a bloody strange instinct that tells you to turn round and start following someone you think might be dangerous to you.

GarlicFound · 21/03/2026 01:54

Kdubs1981 · 20/03/2026 22:11

Lot of gaslighting going on in this thread. Humans are hardwired to detect danger. Anxiety and threat detection is important for survival. Sometimes we get it wrong, but we have evolved to have “better to be wrong than dead” instincts.

These threat appraisals often go out outside of conscious awareness (or they begin there). Gut feelings are often based on something real and should always be listened to. We often get it right. If most women are honest with themselves they have had an experience before when they could just tell something was “off” about a situation with a man they didn’t know

Quite. More people - male people inclusive - should read and learn from The Gift of Fear.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352

If the man was trying to let you pass, OP, it would've been much less dickish to look at you, maybe even gesture to pass if he's not a talker.

I'll suggest you played this wrong, though (sorry). I'd have waited longer so I wasn't trailing him, or jogged past him.

Amazon

Amazon

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0747538352?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-am-i-being-unreasonable-5506317-all-men-should-be-aware-of-this

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 01:53

Morepositivemum · 21/03/2026 00:32

Why are people acting like they’re confused, if a man sees a woman and they’re isolated, him stopping and taking something out of a bloody backpack isn’t going to seem great is it? Fed up of people on mn pretending they don’t know what people are talking about or acting like the op is crazy- they were in the bloody woods, not on an open street with plenty of people! And yes men should be aware that women could be nervous of them! Ffs

OP wasn't in the woods, was she? She was behind a school building and walking towards some woods. It was school pickup time, i.e. the period when lots of people come to the school and mill around it. In the short space of time we're concerned with, she saw the man plus "some women". It may not be Piccadilly Circus in the rush hour, but it's hardly isolated, is it?