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AIBU?

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All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
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CommentHere · 21/03/2026 07:09

I was walking my dog today in a fairly isolated spot. I saw a woman coming towards me and she looked at me oddly when she passed. Maybe she was surprised at my long hair as it's unusual for a man to have long hair, but I get that a lot, no big deal.

I continued on anyway, after a few minutes I heard a dog or footsteps, I casually turned around and it was the same lady behind me. She must have been doing an out-and-back walk rather than a circular route. At the same time I reached into my backpack for some chewing gum. She walked past fairly quickly, I'm not sure if I startled her by looking back or by rummaging in my backpack. Surely that's a normal thing to do?

Aibu to be a bit insulted that she has now posted on a public forum saying my behaviour could have frightened her?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 07:08

steff13 · 21/03/2026 07:06

How to you know he's a healthy man?

And when he stopped he didn't force her to do anything; she could have stayed back but she chose to pass him.

My point isn’t that he didn’t anything wrong but that he could have done better.
the description gave me insights into his health but I don’t have all the information.
is it that much of a big ask to ask men to understand why we feel uncomfortable alone around them in remote places and to not make it worse? Like seriously?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 07:06

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 07:01

How did he determine she was "clearly frightened" when he had his back to her?

So you agree with me though? You think men being nice to women and not frightening them more by acting weird and unpredictably isn’t a big ask?
becuase you’re now asking me to extrapolate when I wasn’t there

steff13 · 21/03/2026 07:06

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:52

He is a healthy man… what was she going to do to him?
we can agree to disagree.
I don’t think it’s a big ask to ask men to understand why women are frightened of them and not to intimidate them more when they’re already clearly frightened.

How to you know he's a healthy man?

And when he stopped he didn't force her to do anything; she could have stayed back but she chose to pass him.

Jaggy1 · 21/03/2026 07:04

Also, the OP never stated she was scared of him because he had long hair. She initially wasn’t feeling uneasy because she thought it was a woman so didn’t do anything until he passed & realised it was a man.

Ted Bundy attacked women in broad daylight & was by all accounts a lovely, charming man to talk to. The suggestion that we can’t assume the worst of everyone is so silly, if something was to happen in this instance it would probably be the exact same people who say ‘well what was she doing out by herself in the woods in the first place’.

GentleSheep · 21/03/2026 07:04

Honestly I don't see what he did wrong here. I'm surprised, if you felt uneasy when you first saw him, that you turned back to follow him. Why? Wouldn't you rather put distance between yourself and any perceived threat? Then you followed him and he's supposed to know you're there and change his behaviour accordingly? No sorry, I think you're in the wrong here and overthinking things.

TheGander · 21/03/2026 07:02

I hike alone and I agree with you OP. You want any interactions with lone men ( or groups of men for that matter) to be brief and predictable . We are programmed, due to men’s superior physical strength and the existence of assault, rape and worse, to be wary of men when we are alone. I think a lot of men know that too and stick to the script: walk at an even pace, quick hello, move along. Those who dick around cause confusion and fear.

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 07:01

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:52

He is a healthy man… what was she going to do to him?
we can agree to disagree.
I don’t think it’s a big ask to ask men to understand why women are frightened of them and not to intimidate them more when they’re already clearly frightened.

How did he determine she was "clearly frightened" when he had his back to her?

Stnam · 21/03/2026 07:00

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:45

Im not saying it was but how do you know it couldn’t have been?
my point is im with op. If I have an instinct in the wild im honouring that shit even if I look stupid, and if a man sees me, at all of 50kg, clearly acting from a place of fear, then he should be kind about it. The same way you would with someone else.
is it that hard to treat people how we want to be treated?

I have had men follow me in isolated places. I have also had them approach me and, to take two examples say, 'I'm going to put my dick in your mouth and you are going to suck on it' and 'If you don't give me any money, I will have to hurt you'. That is the type of behavior that is wrong. Bad men approach women and interact.

OP didn't do anything embarrassing and is right to be wary but a man faffing about in his bag, going about his business, isn't actually doing anything wrong.

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 07:00

Well either he actually needed something from his bag, which is fine, or he judged she wanted to get away so he was allowing her to create more distance between them. Sorry but I don't accept that every man should have to alter his behaviour in every single scenario to accommodate OTT anxiety in the exact way that the woman finds reassuring (which isn't always clear) Dark night, coming up from.behind, sure, cross the road but here?

MyBrightPeer · 21/03/2026 06:58

Generally I agree but this was broad daylight, he did nothing wrong (man on walk opens bag, shocking) and you were suspicious because he had…long hair? And you walked back towards him? You’ve got a lot of anxiety. Suggest you walk your dog somewhere else if being near the woods is this scary.

Men do need to be aware of their behaviour but it’s also harmful to women to suggest they should like in an atmosphere of constant fear.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:56

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:54

I honestly don't know what he should have done here that would be a) reasonable and b) reassure her...sprint away up the path?

Ideally he would have kept walking ahead of her so she could keep an eye on him.

Jaggy1 · 21/03/2026 06:55

I don’t think YABU.

I would never have a man walking behind me if I was out a walk alone. I’m pretty blatant about it thought I’ll go off to the side and wait for them to pass before I keep going. Most of them probably do understand why, as most women do, you just won’t find many understanding people on mumsnet. If someone also stops or won’t go past me I’d get on my phone too. Maybe some people just have the luxury of never having felt unsafe but I totally understand you OP.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:55

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:52

Not all instincts are valid. Are people who instinctively assume a black person is dodgy to be honoured in that belief? In this particular encounter, her 'prey brain' was way off and making assumptions with literally nothing to support it other than she was 'fooled ' by his long hair. That's entirely her problem and does not put the onus on him to do anything at all.

They’re not but this is one I would take seriously. Men do rape women. He did act dodgy after.

its not the same as avoiding someone consciously because of their skin colour. Her reptile brain engaged. She didn’t approach or insult him. She just got to safety.

he can be kind too, it’s not all on her

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:54

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:50

She didn’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. She asked is it unreasonable to expect men to be understanding of why women are frightened of them. I don’t think it is

I honestly don't know what he should have done here that would be a) reasonable and b) reassure her...sprint away up the path?

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:52

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:43

You haven’t read this properly. She had an instinct that he was dodgy and wanted to walk behind him as to her prey brain, being able to see what he was doing and where he was felt safe. He then stopped and forced her to pass him, which made her feel vulnerable.
why is all the onus on the woman? Her instinct he was dodgy is worth honouring.

Not all instincts are valid. Are people who instinctively assume a black person is dodgy to be honoured in that belief? In this particular encounter, her 'prey brain' was way off and making assumptions with literally nothing to support it other than she was 'fooled ' by his long hair. That's entirely her problem and does not put the onus on him to do anything at all.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:52

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 06:51

...and his "prey brain" decided that as someone had turned around and was following him, that it was prudent to keep them in plain sight.

He is a healthy man… what was she going to do to him?
we can agree to disagree.
I don’t think it’s a big ask to ask men to understand why women are frightened of them and not to intimidate them more when they’re already clearly frightened.

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 06:51

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:46

It actually makes sense from prey brain - which was clearly engaged here. Better to see the predator than have them sneak up behind you.
she had an instinct. She honoured it. She is free to do that.

...and his "prey brain" decided that as someone had turned around and was following him, that it was prudent to keep them in plain sight.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:50

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:48

Sure..but she's not free to accuse him of doing something wrong for daring to exist.

She didn’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. She asked is it unreasonable to expect men to be understanding of why women are frightened of them. I don’t think it is

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:49

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:47

How is him becoming aware of her when she immediately did an about turn to follow him weird? And to the pp who said he should have 'put his hands up or run off somewhere"..Jesus bloody Christ..they were right behind a primary school, he's just mooching as he is perfectly allowed to do. In this particular instance, expecting him to make some random detour..what..out across a field or something is ridiculous .

Idk I think it is weird - I’ve explained but I’ll explain again.
that woman’s prey brain was engaged. She wanted to keep her distance from the potential predator and see where he was. By stopping, he forced her into a vulnerable position of passing him.
I think that’s dodgy and her instinct was worth honouring.
but we can disagree that’s ok

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:48

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:46

It actually makes sense from prey brain - which was clearly engaged here. Better to see the predator than have them sneak up behind you.
she had an instinct. She honoured it. She is free to do that.

Sure..but she's not free to accuse him of doing something wrong for daring to exist.

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 06:47

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:28

She had an instinct something was wrong and chose to change direction and he stopped, confirming he was aware of her. Both were being weird. Why are we not honouring this woman’s instinct? She made a judgement call, she’s alive to tell the tale.
a bit embarassing but as I said I’d rather be embarrassed than dead.

How is him becoming aware of her when she immediately did an about turn to follow him weird? And to the pp who said he should have 'put his hands up or run off somewhere"..Jesus bloody Christ..they were right behind a primary school, he's just mooching as he is perfectly allowed to do. In this particular instance, expecting him to make some random detour..what..out across a field or something is ridiculous .

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:46

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 06:45

So immediately after passing someone in an isolated location, you turned around and started following them, and they are the problem?

It actually makes sense from prey brain - which was clearly engaged here. Better to see the predator than have them sneak up behind you.
she had an instinct. She honoured it. She is free to do that.

HelmholtzWatson · 21/03/2026 06:45

So immediately after passing someone in an isolated location, you turned around and started following them, and they are the problem?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 06:45

Stnam · 21/03/2026 06:41

He passed her on a walk and then she chose to change direction and follow him. He continued to mind his own business. He didn't speak to her or approach her. Then nothing happened. It is hardly a narrow escape from death.

Im not saying it was but how do you know it couldn’t have been?
my point is im with op. If I have an instinct in the wild im honouring that shit even if I look stupid, and if a man sees me, at all of 50kg, clearly acting from a place of fear, then he should be kind about it. The same way you would with someone else.
is it that hard to treat people how we want to be treated?