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AIBU?

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All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
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twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:32

It’s been a bit on an unsympathetic pile on. Unedifying.

Mt563 · 21/03/2026 08:31

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:25

Idk I’m struggling to see the harm from this discussion. We’re discussing how best to make women feel safe: she’s giving feedback about a situation.

But she's not giving feedback. She didn't speak to him. We're on a women's forum. Most men are not aware just how anxious and jumpy some women are. This man may well think he did the right thing and has no way of knowing she felt otherwise.

EdithBond · 21/03/2026 08:30

Geewhizzzz · 20/03/2026 21:22

So you walk past him. Obviously you were looking at him as you believed he was a she until you got close. He has most definitely looked over his shoulder at you and thinking is she still looking at me. You then turn and walk back in his direction. He then opens his back pack...I imagine to get his pepper spray at the ready.

I agree with your general point, OP. Though not quite sure how a man makes a woman at ease. If he looks at her and nods, he could still be dodgy. Most women would still be wary if there was only her and him on a woodland path or a dark alley. And would be worried giving him a smile in case he got the wrong idea.

But on this occasion, maybe he thought you were dodgy - as you passed him then doubled back and followed him. Sounds like he felt uncomfortable you were behind him and stopped to let you pass on the pretext of getting something out of his bag.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:29

Dragonflytamer · 21/03/2026 08:27

But she started following him? That is the odd behaviour in this scenario! If someone starts following you isn't it normal to be a bit wary?

I’ve explained why I think she did it a few times.
it makes sense to know where the predator is when you’re in prey mode. So they can’t sneak up on you and surprise you. She chose to change directions and I think this was why.

2thumbs · 21/03/2026 08:29

Yes, we should hope men will take reasonable steps to put women at ease in certain situations, but they do have their own lives to lead.

In this situation, a man is walking in the woods when a woman starts to follow him. According to the OP, the only reasonable way forward for that man is seemingly to continue walking without hesitation or faltering until the woman has returned to a populated area.

Which essentially means men shouldn’t leave populated areas alone, otherwise any chance meeting with a woman would require him to return immediately, without so much stopping for a sip of water.

Dragonflytamer · 21/03/2026 08:27

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:12

She’s not blaming him, she’s giving feedback.
Stopping and letting her pass made her feel more vulnerable as she had to be close to him and lose sight of him again, which scared her more.
If I was a man reading this, I’d be going ah ok, I won’t do that then. why is that so unreasonable?

But she started following him? That is the odd behaviour in this scenario! If someone starts following you isn't it normal to be a bit wary?

Chenecinquantecinq · 21/03/2026 08:27

You have anxiety and have completely lost perspective. At least realise that this is anxiety.

littleburn · 21/03/2026 08:26

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:46

the main point (which I don’t think I’m getting across) is that men often don’t realise the impact of ordinary behaviours in certain contexts. Like stopping suddenly in an isolated space and creating a situation where a woman may feel trapped. I’m not saying he was out to kill me.

I’m very sympathetic to this point OP. But in this situation maybe he was trying to do the right thing by stopping and letting you pass? If he had meant you harm, he’d have been more likely to turn and follow you after you first passed each other and follow you in the direction of the woods. Instead, he’s noticed you’ve changed direction and let you pass him (by stopping to look in his bag) so he’s not between you and the woods.

MoFadaCromulent · 21/03/2026 08:26

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:12

She’s not blaming him, she’s giving feedback.
Stopping and letting her pass made her feel more vulnerable as she had to be close to him and lose sight of him again, which scared her more.
If I was a man reading this, I’d be going ah ok, I won’t do that then. why is that so unreasonable?

But she closed the distance on him.

If I'm walking and someone is walking at a faster pace behind me my instinct is never going to be "they definitely do not want to be in front of me under any circumstances" the natural conclusion is they're walking faster than me so they're going to pass me out.

The second instinct is going to be "I don't want to be walking on their heels I'll stop to give them some distance"

Mycatsasuperstar · 21/03/2026 08:26

Have you read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, it's a great book around how our body senses threat before we intellectually understand it because we are socialised to be polite etc etc but I think you might have experienced this. Sure it could be innocent on his part but there was something about how things unfolded that got your senses sensing threat.

Also there are sick arseholes out there that get a kick out of being subtly intimidating to women. I don't think you are unreasonable at all and sorry you had to experience that.

Because yes NAMALT... But it's hard to know who is safe and who isn't based on actual facts you know about them which is minimal. So we really on interpretations and whilst we could give them the benefit of doubt, historically we know women have lost their lives for giving those interpretations the benefit of doubt or socially sugar coating their survival instincts...

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:25

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:24

We've already agreed that.

What you are not agreeing is how unreasonable it was of her to complain about his behaviour as if he did something wrong.

Regarding him continuing to walk ahead, have you read how irritating I find it to have someone walking close behind me? I will always stop and let them pass me. He may have the same over sensitivity to that situation.

Idk I’m struggling to see the harm from this discussion. We’re discussing how best to make women feel safe: she’s giving feedback about a situation.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:24

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:21

Absolutely, it's one of the.most frustrating thing in here. Instead of giving women the credit of being able to do some critical thinking it is always "trust your gut" like that is gospel.

Ha! I’d rather be embarassed and wrong than right and ignored my instincts but you do you

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:24

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:20

i said he wasn’t unreasonable and neither was she. They both had different responses to the same situation and as neither was disrespectful or insulting nobody was particularly being unreasonable

We've already agreed that.

What you are not agreeing is how unreasonable it was of her to complain about his behaviour as if he did something wrong.

Regarding him continuing to walk ahead, have you read how irritating I find it to have someone walking close behind me? I will always stop and let them pass me. He may have the same over sensitivity to that situation.

twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:23

Nobody else was there @mildlysweaty. If you felt uncomfortable then you made the right decision.

GreyfriarsJobbies · 21/03/2026 08:23

Charlize43 · 21/03/2026 07:45

Are you a nervous type, young in your 20s?

I'm a 59 year old woman and have never lived my life in fear and I damn well am not going to start now!

If you read the above paragraph that you wrote, this is totally based on your perception of the situation.

Mine would have been totally different. I may have gone up to him and started a conversation. I know I would have smiled and said 'Good Afternoon' just out of general politeness. He may have thought, 'OMG! I've now got this chatty old bag ruining my walk in the woods' or he may have welcomed the opportunity to talk to someone and we may have had an interesting conversation. Either way the last thing I would have thought is that this man is going to harm or kill me because statistically speaking I probably have greater odds at being killed by a car on the way to the shops, than by a stranger in the woods. Yes, it does happen but it is probably one in a million chance.

A life full of fear is such a wasted one. I grew up in the 70s and my generation of women were taught that we were just as good as men and to get on with it.

Very, very well said. My pet theory is that it's the way other people's misery is served up - and voraciously consumed - as ghoulish entertainment these days that is in large part responsible for the mindset the OP displays. Doomscrolling on social media, every grizzly murder turned into a true crime podcast, the Daily Mail etc amplifying anything bad that ever happens anywhere, loads of MNers telling each other that there could be a rapist/murdered behind every bush so it's sensible to be scared of everything...if you pay attention to all that for too long it can lead you to a bad place. We're apparently at the point where not only are women supposed to be worried when a man follows them (which is sensible), but they're now supposed to be worried when they deliberately follow a man, and it's all the man's fault. It's just mad.

Matronic6 · 21/03/2026 08:23

I absolutely know what you mean when you say women are on high alert around men in certain situations. However, I think this guy was just minding his own business. He walked past you maybe he specifically waited until he past you to get the object from his bag but then you went that direction. We don't know. But we can't demonise men for getting something out of their bag.

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 08:23

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:51

Read the post. I have walked past plenty of men on that route before who gave a nod and walked on. Even when I turned back and headed in their direction again as otherwise I’d miss school pickup.

Edited

But this man walked on. The only thing he didn't do was nod, but then it could well simply be that he was deep in thought about something complicated. And he carried on harmlessly walking on even after the strange woman he passed turned around and passed him again.

saraclara · 21/03/2026 08:22

Should men be aware of women's concerns when walking? Yes

Did this man do anything wrong? No

Was OP the one who behaved oddly? Yes

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:21

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 02:08

This thread is actually a good example of why "Trust your instincts" and "Listen to your gut" are such rubbish mantras. Everyone quoting this is forgetting the core fact that OP's instincts were wrong, because the man did precisely nothing to her.

Plus it's a bloody strange instinct that tells you to turn round and start following someone you think might be dangerous to you.

Absolutely, it's one of the.most frustrating thing in here. Instead of giving women the credit of being able to do some critical thinking it is always "trust your gut" like that is gospel.

VividDeer · 21/03/2026 08:20

As someone who likes miles alone, including isolated woods, mountain walks and inner city. You need to stop blaming men for being places and looking in their bags!

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:20

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:17

It is unreasonable to stop and let someone who's dogging your doorstep pass?

Not on my planet.

Why should he be forced to walk faster than he wants to or ro have a stranger match pace with him only a few feet behind him?

That is not a reasonable request.

i said he wasn’t unreasonable and neither was she. They both had different responses to the same situation and as neither was disrespectful or insulting nobody was particularly being unreasonable

DBSFstupid · 21/03/2026 08:19

All I have to say here is always, always trust your gut. It's there for a reason. Who cares if it turns out to be false.

The situations I have regretted through life are when I ignored it. As you get older you begin to recognise what it is and how powerful it is.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:18

Hallamule · 21/03/2026 08:14

So what do you think this particular man, the one whose behaviour motivated the OP to srart this thread, should have done differently?

Have you read all my posts?
My opinion is quite nuanced.
however in a perfect world with hindsight the least threatening thing was - not even noticing her, continuing to walk ahead so she can keep her own distance

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 08:18

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:47

There was nobody around at the time - read the post

But your post says there were "some women" around.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:17

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:12

She’s not blaming him, she’s giving feedback.
Stopping and letting her pass made her feel more vulnerable as she had to be close to him and lose sight of him again, which scared her more.
If I was a man reading this, I’d be going ah ok, I won’t do that then. why is that so unreasonable?

It is unreasonable to stop and let someone who's dogging your doorstep pass?

Not on my planet.

Why should he be forced to walk faster than he wants to or ro have a stranger match pace with him only a few feet behind him?

That is not a reasonable request.