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AIBU?

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All men should be aware of this

914 replies

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:08

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
NotVashFontaine · 21/03/2026 08:44

He had long hair. Maybe there is missing information about his appearance too.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:43

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:40

So your thesis is he shouldnt have opened his bag because thats not predictable? What if he had to stop to get something out of his shoe? What if he needed to stop because he was out of breath? What if he stopped to admire the view? He can't do anything because now a woman is walking towards him and he needs to be predictable? Is that what you are actually saying?

No I’ve repeatedly said this man did nothing wrong.
why is it always binary? Why can’t it just be too people with conflicting interests who saw the same situation differently?

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:42

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:41

because I thought we were having a conversation but I’ll end it if you don’t want to. I’m pretty certain you quoted me too.

A conversation makes new points it doesn't just keep repeating old ones.

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 21/03/2026 08:42

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 02:08

This thread is actually a good example of why "Trust your instincts" and "Listen to your gut" are such rubbish mantras. Everyone quoting this is forgetting the core fact that OP's instincts were wrong, because the man did precisely nothing to her.

Plus it's a bloody strange instinct that tells you to turn round and start following someone you think might be dangerous to you.

I was just thinking this. Absolutely nothing happened when the man passed her or when she followed him or when she passed him. So whatever instinct the OP has was wrong.
You can trust your instincts as long as you accept they can be wrong.

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:42

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:41

Then had a go at the guy and the lack of consideration of men on social media!

Youve just had a go at me for quoting you but then you’re quoting me disagreeing with me again. I’m so confused - are we fellow feminists or not?! Haha

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

Then had a go at the guy and the lack of consideration of men on social media!

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:41

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:40

Why do you keep on and on quoting me saying things we agreed about all along?

because I thought we were having a conversation but I’ll end it if you don’t want to. I’m pretty certain you quoted me too.

EdithBond · 21/03/2026 08:41

WalkDontWalk · 21/03/2026 08:34

What should he have done?

This is my point. He’s walking out of the woods, a woman passes him heading towards the woods, then she doubles back and starts gaining ground on him.

Does he speed up so she won’t pass him? Does he stop and talk to her? Does he let her pass him without acknowledgement when he may only be a few steps behind her? Or does he pause and let her pass and get a distance ahead of him?

Th30G · 21/03/2026 08:41

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

That isnt what this thread and her OP is saying.

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:40

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 07:57

Not this men. All men.
shes asking for all men to understand why women might be frightened of them in remote places and to be predictable, understanding and non threatening as a response.
not that controversial imho

So your thesis is he shouldnt have opened his bag because thats not predictable? What if he had to stop to get something out of his shoe? What if he needed to stop because he was out of breath? What if he stopped to admire the view? He can't do anything because now a woman is walking towards him and he needs to be predictable? Is that what you are actually saying?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:40

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:37

Is that just another way of saying 'be kind'? I'm with the posters who think the media has done a v v good job here of creating a narrative that does far more harm than good. I dont think it's helpful to validate and soothe anyone's 'instincts' if i genuinely think they were way off and OTT. I don't think its unedifying to have robust debate.

What harm has been done though? A Man thought ‘bloody hell, she was weird’ and she posted somewhere he would never see?!

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:40

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:36

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

Why do you keep on and on quoting me saying things we agreed about all along?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:39

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:38

She wasn't unsafe!

No but she felt it. She didn’t harm anyone or infringe on their rights in anyway. She just left the situation.

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:38

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:36

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

She wasn't unsafe!

RhaenysRocks · 21/03/2026 08:37

twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:32

It’s been a bit on an unsympathetic pile on. Unedifying.

Is that just another way of saying 'be kind'? I'm with the posters who think the media has done a v v good job here of creating a narrative that does far more harm than good. I dont think it's helpful to validate and soothe anyone's 'instincts' if i genuinely think they were way off and OTT. I don't think its unedifying to have robust debate.

VividPinkTraybake · 21/03/2026 08:37

InconvenientlyMaterial · 21/03/2026 07:53

I cannot believe the misogynist responses you're getting here OP. Describing the fear of male violence as "frothing". (There's been a massive uptick in really regressive, divisive misogynist posting on MN, especially at night. Probably a wank game for some. Maybe a political thing for others).

Or the frankly racist implication that being wary of the sex which commits well over 90% of all violent and sex crimes is like having a bias against black people. What the actual fuck?

Many women (1 in 4?) are wary of men because they've already experienced male sexual violence. Trauma reactions happen outside of conscious awareness. And regardless of life history, it is hardwired into women to check their surroundings as they go about the world. This has been scientifically demonstrated.

The vast majority of these rapes, sexual assaults and harassments aren't reported, even less secure convictions. It's hardly surprising that women don't trust the police and don't want to go through a re traumatising court experience.

So yes I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask men to consider their impact on women as they move around the world. How is it any different to other ways in which we treat the people we live amongst with tolerance and respect?

Tell us exactly what this man should have done then

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:36

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:34

She blamed him for completely harmless behaviour, and I don't like seeing people criticised when they have done nothing whatsoever wrong.

This discussion is had at regular intervals about situations where men really should be thinking twice, like walking behind a woman down an otherwise empty road.

If the example given was read by men it would, imo, achieve the opposite of the objective because it is so completely unreasonable to suggest that the man discussed should have changed his behaviour.

Idk I wasn’t there. She had a gut feeling something was off. He was clearly aware of her. Did he do anything wrong? No. But I honour her feeling and her right to get to safety

Flamingojune · 21/03/2026 08:36

Its not a gut thing if someone wont walk in a woods near a town in the day time

Laserwho · 21/03/2026 08:35

All the man did was look in his bag. That's it. You changed direction, not his fault. You thought he was woman because of his hair, again not his fault. What was he supposed to do? Suddenly not exist? Everything was in your head. He had every right to walk where is wanted and every right to look in his bag

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 08:35

twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:32

It’s been a bit on an unsympathetic pile on. Unedifying.

But if everyone had wholeheartedly supported OP and torn this man apart, it would be even more unedifying, as it would be totally unjustified on the facts. Seriously, how does it help anyone to tell women they should be afraid of men in this scenario?

WalkDontWalk · 21/03/2026 08:34

mildlysweaty · 20/03/2026 21:46

the main point (which I don’t think I’m getting across) is that men often don’t realise the impact of ordinary behaviours in certain contexts. Like stopping suddenly in an isolated space and creating a situation where a woman may feel trapped. I’m not saying he was out to kill me.

What should he have done?

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:34

Mt563 · 21/03/2026 08:31

But she's not giving feedback. She didn't speak to him. We're on a women's forum. Most men are not aware just how anxious and jumpy some women are. This man may well think he did the right thing and has no way of knowing she felt otherwise.

Well idk I think we’re discussing is it reasonable and what level of expectation is reasonable. We’ve all got sons or/and husbands we can make aware of it.
i don’t think it’s just some women either. I think all women can name a situation where something has just felt odd and they can’t say what or why.

Imdunfer · 21/03/2026 08:34

confusedbydating · 21/03/2026 08:25

Idk I’m struggling to see the harm from this discussion. We’re discussing how best to make women feel safe: she’s giving feedback about a situation.

She blamed him for completely harmless behaviour, and I don't like seeing people criticised when they have done nothing whatsoever wrong.

This discussion is had at regular intervals about situations where men really should be thinking twice, like walking behind a woman down an otherwise empty road.

If the example given was read by men it would, imo, achieve the opposite of the objective because it is so completely unreasonable to suggest that the man discussed should have changed his behaviour.

twentyeightfishinthepond · 21/03/2026 08:33

Also what’s the desperation to keep saying OP has anxiety? Im
wondering if it’s bots.

IdentityCris · 21/03/2026 08:33

DBSFstupid · 21/03/2026 08:19

All I have to say here is always, always trust your gut. It's there for a reason. Who cares if it turns out to be false.

The situations I have regretted through life are when I ignored it. As you get older you begin to recognise what it is and how powerful it is.

With every respect, I think this is bollocks. My gut told me I had to turn left out of the station yesterday when I was going somewhere I hadn't been to before. Fortunately I ignored it and checked the map, and I definitely didn't regret it.

Look at all the people who get killed and injured in road accidents. Clearly their guts are utterly useless in that scenario.