AIBU to find 'feel free to still go' rude and condescending?

The friend never wanted to go I reckon

I would say "I'm so sorry, I've been a total dick and double booked. Do you think you can find someone else to go with you?"

In other words, I'd assume they'd still want to go until they told me otherwise.

ETA I can't remember double booking friends. I have occasionally forgotten a long standing medical appointment or similar when I've arranged a coffee with someone.

Posters here seem sure that OP's friend "has a better offer" but it might be something really boring. (going back to check op now)

Fair enough, it's a bit wordy but at least no one's getting offended.

Rearrange if you can. Or in this case, don't double book in the first place.

It is an inappropriate way to phrase it given the circumstances so yes, I would consider it rude and dismissive even if it wasn’t meant that way - and it would make the flaky behaviour even more annoying.

PIL went through a phase of using the phrase ‘that won’t work for me/us’ in an inappropriate way and now I absolutely cannot stand it. E.g. they asked me/us for a favour e.g. can you come round and help us tune a channel on the TV. Said yes, I can come up when I finish work at 4 pm…and you get ‘that won’t work for us as we watch bargain hunt then’ back. Thankfully they have stopped doing it now. I would put ‘feel free to’ in the same category…

With people like your flaky acquaintance I never agree to things just with them more in advance than that day - definitely nothing that requires tickets bought in advance. They firmly get put in the yeah I’ll do it if I still fancy it/am free on the actual day group.

Yes rude and disrespectful as well as annoying. I’d take it that the subtext is she doesn’t want to go at all. I wouldn’t be arranging anything else with her. Sadly this friendship might have come to an end,

You just write that. .. but surely if you have to cancel you would rearrange

Sorry, it was late and I used the wrong word. (Not for the first time, apparently, considering "feel free to go..." is also wrong.)

Anyone know of a better non-wordy, non condescending, non-granting-permission sounding way of telling someone that, although you can no longer join them on a pre-planned trip, you don't expect them to hold off on the trip just because you aren't coming any more, and they should go anyway if they want to?

Yes to this. The first line especially.

And then to give permission to go. Sod that.

I’ve already paid for my family’s tickets so I will still go but the kids are disappointed that their friends won’t be there.

That’s what I would reply. You need to show some annoyance or people walk all over you.

I’d also say “double booked where? We’ve had this arranged for ages.”

Yeah same as someone who didn't invite my son/she's a close mum friend to her son's birthday. To which she proceeded to tell me about the 3 parties he's having, and said I shouldn't worry as X party is next week. Lol

Ugh. This thread took me straight back to those days outs with mums who you just arranged with because your kids got on. Some of them were just absolute arseholes. I had over the years combinations of: braggy, competitive, pretentious, not bothered, indulgent parenting, insecure, zero-discipline, no sense of humour, zero conversation… I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

What you put up with for the sake of your kids!

She’s not your friend op. I’d be pissed off with how easily she waved you away.

This! Then we she says oh I hadn't booked the tickets yet, you can feel free to tell her to have a lovely day with her better offer!

Sounds like she's not a friend

Yes it is context dependent (fine if you still had a genuine option not to go and it was something they had been wanting you to wait to do with them); but in this case it is rude.

It is an attempt to diminish how much they have disrupted your plans, but ironically in a pre-paid situation it actually emphasises it, as not going would mean you lost the tickets.

So much better for people to have the backbone to say " I realise that is probably disappointing for your dc and I am really sorry."

I also agree with the other poster. I hate child free wedding invites. It’s upsetting to the children when they know they haven’t been invited and hard to explain to them.

If she double booked the fact she’s choosing the other ‘booking’ over yours shows what she thinks of you. She’s not a friend she’s a user. I’d phase her out after this.

I'd find it annoying, patronising and self important (as well as flaky obviously which i hate).

It's bad enough that she's letting you down last minute and not even apologising. But the "feel free to go without me" is irritating. It sounds like thinks she's doing you a favour. You don't need her permission. If you still want to go, you will go.

It similarly irritates me when you get the child free wedding invitations (I'm not complaining about child free weddings themselves) saying "we're giving you the night off to enjoy yourselves". No you aren't giving me anything you condescending cunt. I can have a night off any time I arrange and pay for a babysitter and that's down to my efforts not yours.

Yeah that's how I would look at it too! Rather than rearranging, go enjoy it anyway.

Although of course disappointing and when they say they have double booked, it can make you feel like the second choice! (depending on what the other thing is)

Well, yes I agree that there should have been notice. But I'm assuming she completely forgot (as obviously if she hadn't, she wouldn't have double booked herself in the first place!).

And of course she should have apologised. I also assumed she had, and OP has left this part out. Did she OP?

It's not a situation I've ever been in tbh, but I'm very non-confrontational and hate to put anyone out, so I'm in agreement. I don't think there's really any better way to say 'you still go' though, assuming she apologised. It's saying 'don't let me hold you back' in case they think they'll go on another day instead.

I hate the term "feel free" before saying anything at all. It makes my skin crawl.

She's incredibly rude and thoughtless. I think I'd reply with this emoji 🙄 and not bother with her again.

I find the use of "booked" in these situations very smug. I once casually asked a fellow school mum if they were up to much in the half term holiday and she said, "we're completely booked up!" Good for you! 🧐🤷🏻

Yes, exactly. Doesn't she have a diary/calendar?

I feel like people are missing the point by saying the phrase isn’t rude but the cancelling is. It’s the very fact the phrase is used in the context of cancelling that makes it rude..

i.e. I’m totally dropping you in it but disingenuously pretending I’m being reasonable by saying feel free to still go…

Flaky friends can do one. You deserve better OP

My sister has form for doing this. I find it incredibly patronising. I will ditch you because of more exciting opportunity but its OK you can still go and do less good arrangement.

If I really want to be rude and dismissive I tell someone "you have my permission to ..." in a teacher voice.