AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

I think your grief is clouding your feelings. I've been with my partner for 20 years and I wouldn't expect my in-laws to attend my parents' funerals. I would be comforted if they chose to, but I certainly wouldn't cut them out of my life for not coming.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

it takes all sorts to make a world and we’re in the camp of going to funerals of our children’s in-laws. We see each other regularly at family gatherings and we get on, we are grandparents to the same grandchildren. It’s a bond that unites us. To not show up for people when someone has passed away just wouldn’t happen.

I’m aware of that but it’s cold as ice.

Well, firstly they are not your in laws and, secondly, funerals are optional. Why would you want to store up problems in your potential marriage by falling out with his parents before you even start?

My parents attended my FILs funeral , and in turn, my MIL & my SIL attended those of my dad , and mum. They knew each other, though not especially well, but they came to support me.
But even if they didn’t feel they ought to be there, a card, or flowers would be normal.

Sorry for your loss Op, but try not to dwell on this too much 💐

In parts of England… it’s absolutely the same where I’m from in the very north of England.

Judge them by the last 9 years not one day. Thats not to say you aren’t entitled to be upset but sometimes people deal
with situations differently.

I hear what you are saying @siucra and as I am in Scotland the situation is sort of half way between what happens in Ireland and what happens in England.

But I think it's unfair to say they "should have gone to support you" if this is not their culture. In YOUR Irish culture it would be expected and in theirs it perhaps isn't. Neither is right, neither is wrong. It's just different.

Agree this may be cultural. I’m Scottish, and cannot imagine a situation where my in-laws failed to attend my parents funeral. My parents travelled down (south of England) to FIL’s funeral.

Regardless of their relationship with your mum, I would have expected them to show up to demonstrate their support for you, and your OH.

That said, I’ve also noticed that funerals are generally smaller here, so it’s probable that they didn’t mean to be offensive.

Surely it depends on their relationship, and what type of people they are. If they are generally nice people maybe they didn’t want to intrude, maybe they didn't know your mum. Maybe they are arseholes. Maybe it’s misplaced grief.

I think that is nice but not the tradition in England.

Same in Scorland.

Neither set of my grandparents attended funerals on the other side of the family - they got on fine on the limited occasions they met each other, but there was no real relationship to speak of.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm not saying your expectations are wrong, but I don’t think they're universal.

Are they English? If so people usually only attend funerals if they know the person who died quite well.

As someone who lives in Ireland, it’s all very strange. You don’t go to a funeral only if you know the person who died, you go to gather round those who are grieving. It’s part of being a loving and supportive community.
OP I am sorry for your loss and 100% your in-laws to be should have gone, to support you and show their son you are importance to them.

In what respect @ThreadneedleRoad ?

I’m actually very surprised by these responses. I would be incredibly upset by this too, not just the non-attendance (although that’s really bad imo!) but by the fact they barely acknowledged the funeral at all. Messages from more than one person to show they were actually thinking about you would be the bare minimum. I’d be very hurt.
I cannot imagine my in laws not attending one of my parents funerals. People have said that maybe they were t close but the funeral isn’t so much about the dead as it is the people left behind.

You are not unreasonable OP.

Though I fully expected people to tell you you were. This site does not do grief well at all. I think it’s a reflection of society in general though probably. We are largely all expected to live in our own self contained little bubbles and not need support.

I have had some very odd responses to posts about coping with the death of my daughter 4 months ago (along with some lovely ones too).

I really feel for you. You are very young to have lost your mum. I was 54 when mine died. The pain was awful. Only surpassed by the loss of my daughter last year. You will feel better in time. But it will take a long time and I don’t blame you for feeling hurt at your prospective in laws dismissive attitude. All that said, I’d advise against cutting them off or blocking them. You have potentially a long road ahead with them and you have suffered enough pain to make it worthwhile trying to keep relations as easy as possible.

I really wish you well.

If you or your DP asked them and they agreed to come but didn't show up, then that's bad form I agree. However if you just hoped they'd come and no one said anything to them about attending the funeral, then I don't think that's unusual for them to not come. I like my in-laws and have been married 20+ years but there was no expectation for them to come to my dad's funeral and it was never mentioned on either side. They passed their condolences to me through my DH but honestly I didn't want people talking to me about it much as it was upsetting and it's good that they didn't intrude tbh.

I think unless you're clear/direct about what you want then people err on the side of respecting your grief and minding their own rather than risk upsetting you. Some people will send cards, if that's their thing, but any message out of the blue can be too much for some people who are grieving. One kind friend sent a gift thinking it'd be comforting but it really wasn't, so there's no right way to do it.

Generally us Brits* - assuming you are one - don't do bereavement very well, so I wouldn't take this to heart if you otherwise get on with them.

Don't push people away after a loss, that feels like the wrong thing to take from it. I'm sorry about your mum and hope you can work through this. I found grief can come out in odd ways and make you more closed off if you're not careful.

*Edited to add: English, as other Brits tend to be better with these things overall.

Is there a chance this is just a difference in how your family and his do funerals?

in my family, and DH’s, the in laws would have gone to support their DIL. MIL went to the church service for our neighbours mum last week, as did our other neighbour. That’s just the done thing round here.

in my exes family they only attend funerals when they know the deceased themselves. Thats the way round where they’re from. At his Granny’s funeral they were bewildered by the fact my Nana (who brought me up) came to the service.

So before you cut them off make sure it’s not just a difference in doing things rather than a snub.

I think its a more thing in Scotland, and maybe Ireland, to attend the funerals of in-laws. For example, both my dad’s sisters were at the funeral of my mum’s mum and more recently my mum’s sister was at the funeral of my dad’s uncle.

I would also be disappointed OP. But I would understand that there can be a myriad reasons why someone is not able to attend a funeral so I wouldn't hold it against them.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for you loss OP.

But this is not something I would have expected.

I tend to only go to the funerals of close family and friends, which I think is pretty much the norm?

Mine were very rude and casual when I lost my df and that was one of the final nails in the coffin

I 'm so sorry about your Mum OP.

I think it's pretty unforgivable if they didn't even send you a condolences card. That is the very least they should gave done.

And I would actually have thought out of common decency they would have attended the funeral given the length of time they have known you and that you will be marrying g their son.

I think it would make me wonder about how welcome you will be in the family when you do marry