AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

do funerals have different etiquette in different parts of UK? Good friend of mine lost her father here in South East and I figured out I needed to be invited to it.. in the end it was family affair. Maybe they thought they too needed an invite?
I wouldn’t know .. I am Irish so you’re buried within 72 hours and all n sundry come along for sandwiches!!

I feel like I might be missing some cultural nuance here. I’m Irish and it would be inexcusable not to attend your Mums funeral as an in-law. Going from other replies this expectation seems dependent on your own traditions.

In my head it doesn’t matter if they knew your Mum or not, the funeral is to show support for the bereaved.

So sorry about your mum. Just sit on this one for a while, things will still feel very raw.

I would definitely expect my in laws to attend my parents funeral!!! I am shocked so many wouldn’t. I would make an exception if they lived far away though. But if you all live in the same area I can see why you’d find it unforgivable and I would too.

im so sorry for your loss 💗💗💗

You can frame it as ‘ the thing to do’, or an intrusion. I’d be in the latter camp. My parents died recently and we wanted only invited attendees at their funerals.

purely from a totally personal point of view

If you are not in my life in any meaningful way within my last year of life, I really do not want performative grief from sally who knew me when we were neighbours, 25 years ago.

Nor from the parents of my childrens' partners whom I only met at the wedding and had zero interaction thereafter.

Funerals, purely in my opinion, again, are to celebrate/honour the life of the deceased.

They are not for supporting the bereaved, they have their own significant others in their lives, it's not for some ghoulish attendees, "for show, nor "tradition"

Can I just re-iterate, this is purely my opinion and do expect that many feel completely differently. And that is ok too, ofc.

True, but I can’t imagine not going. I suppose it depends on your family.

I'd be upset by this also.My in laws didn't come to my parent's funeral but they live in a different country.I know they would have if we were in the same country.We're all from a Catholic background.
I had a brother in law and his partner who to this day have never acknowledged the sudden passing of my parent.I don't speak to them anymore.

No, there is no single approach, accepted by the whole population!

Doing something differently from the way you do something doesn't make the other person "awful"

I get it OP. My parents came to my MILs funeral and I’m sure she would have done in the reverse situation.

however, people are different. It could be a cultural difference, it could be a misunderstanding, it could be inability to get time off, it could be they were waiting for a formal invite. Or any number of other reasons.

i understand how this must hurt you. But try not to think badly of them as it is unlikely to have happened out of indifference.

It’s such a short time since your mum’s passing, I hope you are feeling loved and supported by your partner and others around you.

I would have attended out of respect and to show support for you op. I know they are not technically your pil's but it does not matter if they were close or not. Its about support.

I attended the funeral of my son in laws young brother who I did not know very well. I wanted to be there for him in such awful circumstances. His family thanked us for attending. I would also feel let down op. Hope you are okay.

I've been to far too many funerals in England. Not once have they been invitation only. The funeral is posted or people ask when it is and anyone can attend.

Not sure where all this 'we do funerals better in Ireland and Scotland' stuff is coming from.

Anyway, I think your grief is probably playing a part in how you feel, OP. Don't fall out with your inlaws over this. Sorry for your loss.

I think that’s awful of them. My GPs on one side came to my GPs on the other side’s funerals. Surely it’s just what you do?

No idea why you would expect in-laws at your Mother’s funeral.

Sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t expect my in-laws to attend my parents funeral

I'm so sorry about your Mum, OP.

My MIL attended my Mother's funeral (although honestly I would probably have preferred she didn't, I found it quite intrusive as we have a strained relationship). No question of my FIL attending, we have no relationship and he didn't remotely acknowledge that she'd died.

This will all be feeling extremely raw. Take some time to just to allow yourself to process a bit.

I'm really sorry that you've lost your mum OP.

Were your in-laws close to your mum? I wouldn't expect my parents to attend the funeral of one of my in-laws or vice versa tbh. They don't see each other very often.

Sometimes people aren't sure what's the right thing to do when someone dies. I'm going to a friend's dad's funeral next week - I knew him well - but another friend was worried about whether it was appropriate.

I do think age plays a part here too and distance. Travelling a long way can be a much bigger deal for older people than you might realise.

Do look after yourself and perhaps leave things a little while. You're grieving, so focus on yourself right now.

Could the people saying 'they're not your in-laws" just stop being arseholes for 5 minutes?

I'm not surprised you're upset OP. I would have been there to be supportive, or would at least have offered to do so. Sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Maybe your in-laws didn't know that you wanted them there - people have very different views about who should go to funerals. Personally, I tend to err on the side of going along to show respect and care for the surviving family, but I think some people feel it is intrusive to go if you were not close to the deceased.

You obviously know your partner's family best, but I wouldn't rush to the judgement that they are showing a lack of care. It may simply be a case of mismatched expectations.

I wish you peace as you get through this difficult period.

Sorry for your loss OP. I’m another who wouldn’t expect in-laws to come to a parent’s funeral. I suppose it depends on their relationship though. I assume they weren’t close?

Did you tell them you wanted them there? I see funerals as intimate events for people with very close relationships with the deceased. I wouldn’t attend the funeral of someone I didn’t love wholeheartedly unless someone let me know specifically that they wanted my support.

I am so sorry. Losing your Mum is so unbearably hard.

When it comes to funerals, there are very strong cultural differences, broadly 2 camps.

There are some people who feel that attendance at the funeral is primarily about the direct relationship to the deceased. In this group people attend the funerals of people they have known, or in order to directly support a very close relationship e.g. partner

And in the other camp, people that feel attendance is about respect to the family and community of the deceased. So in this group people will attend funerals of people they've never met e.g the parent of a friend or work colleague. Almost everyone who lives in the local area will attend etc.

It can feel very hurtful when the expectations don't align.

No-one's in laws attended my parents' funerals, and I would actually have found it intrusive if they had. There were people I'd never met before so it's not about needing to know them myself. It was great talking to former work colleagues about memories of my Dad etc.

I think you and your in laws have different expectations and as you are feeling so vulnerable, its hit you hard. But I don't think you should write them off because they don't match your way of doing things

First of all I’m sorry for your loss

But unless there’s a backstory about your partners parents and your parents being mates then I think YABU. I think you are grieving and emotional but I wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend any of my family funerals and vice versa

I don’t think you should cut them off or remove them off social media

Anyway op. Funerals aside. Right now you are grieving and possibly looking for an outlet for your pain. Please don’t cut off family right now, you may feel very differently in a few weeks/months. Be kind to yourself

Agree that approach to funerals in England is very different to elsewhere. When one of my best friend’s dad’s died, other friends in our circle said they weren’t sure if they could go to the funeral as they weren’t “invited”. Whereas in Ireland there’s no waiting for the invite - the fact the most random person from your past can attend to show they’re thinking of you and your family is one of the most touching parts of the whole thing, in my experience. On one occasion my paternal grandmother came to the funeral of my maternal uncle’s wife’s mother!

But I can see how if that’s not their tradition they may not think to attend. The comment above about judging them on the last 9 years and not the last few weeks is the right way to go if you can.

Same. Devon/Cornwall area, although I think some of that is probably linked to us being in the ‘farming community’ so to speak, as well.