AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

In England I would say for the majority of people (unless they have Irish or Scottish heritage) if they were not close then no it would be seen as in appropriate. I knew someone a while ago who was offended that none of her friends offered to attend her mum's funeral with her. I just found it bizarre, in England it is generally really not the done thing. If someone who didn't know my mum offered to come to her funeral I would find it very strange and inappropriate and crossing of boundaries and I would not want them there.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent is awful and it brings so much up. My FIL and SIL came to my Dad’s funeral and it meant a lot to me. I’ll always remember it and be grateful for the support. So I can absolutely understand your disappointment. Gently though as others have said there may be lots of reasons they didn’t attend that aren’t to do with how much they care about you. Some people are really uncomfortable with death - I’m not making excuses but it is true. They may also have worried about intruding. Though it sounds like they haven’t reached out or offered much support either which is really disappointing. My in laws have lost my MIL so do ‘get it’ which I think helps.

Your grief is still so fresh and anger is part of that. See how you feel as time passes.

Because its a decent thing to do

Right thing to do!

Sorry for your loss of your mother x

I find a lot of these replies bizarre. You are not being unreasonable and of course they should have come to support you.

I’m Irish so would of course go to your Mother's funeral. I hope your in-laws at least reached out to you to sympathise.

Because not everyone is of your culture?

My parents travelled for 3hrs to attend my FIL's funeral, they were not close but went to show support for my DH. I think it is a bit odd they didn't attend especially if they are local, we are English.

I’m really surprised by many of these responses.

when my DF died (I was 31) my in-laws came to his funeral, in-fact my DFIL flew back from a work trip for it. We’re not massively close but it was a show of support.

similarly when my mother in law died, my mum, brother and his wife attended her funeral, as support for me and more so my husband.

I think showing support for the living is as much of a reason to attend a funeral as paying your respects to the dead.

i’m really sorry they let you down, and I’m so sorry you lost your mum x

I guess it depends on culture but I don’t think your in laws should attend unless they were close to your mum. I lost my Nan recently (mums mum) and my dad attended even though him and my mum are no longer married, no one else from his family attended and I wouldn’t expect them too, my mum and dad were married a long time so there were some of his family members who knew her but not close enough to attend the funeral. Funerals tend to be close friends and family only.

YANBU my MIL would attend my parents funeral. Poor show from them. Sorry for your loss.

Why didnt they attend? Did they know her?

On the face of it, i would expect them to. But if there were good reasons, that coukd be different.

Hi OP, so sorry for your loss.
Im also wondering if you are Irish? I am but live in the UK and there’s a vast difference culturally when it comes to funerals. I know for a fact my family would make the journey to attend the funeral of my husbands parents but the same wouldn’t be reciprocated

Back to add - that I've attended the funerals of people I've never met - eg, a friend's parent, a colleagues wife. That's the norm here.

My in laws and my SIL came to my DMums funeral
And they just sent a text , that’s bloody insulting
My condolences to you 💐

DHs parents came to my mum’s funeral, despite having never met her. They wanted to support us. They’re from a community where that’s the done thing (although in that community they’d probably expect to know their kids in laws).

Why on earth would your in-laws go unless they personally knew the deceased?

It massively depends on how well they knew your Mum doesn’t it? If you all socialised together and had Christmas dinner together for the last nine years and got on like a house on fire then yeah it’s a bit off. If they met a handful of times and exchanged pleasantries then it’s fair enough.

I was wondering the same. I'm Scottish and on Monday I'll be attending my BIL's aunt's funeral, with my mother. I only met her a couple of times, but have known my BIL for over 30 years now, and it would be odd for me to not to attend his aunt's funeral.

Yes! And my mother in law had never met my granny, and my aunts and uncles had met her a few times when I was a baby. It was a show of solidarity for the bereaved. And the Irish will almost always go to the wake of anyone they knew who died, just to pay their respects.

And perhaps it is also dependent on how far people would have to travel to go to the funeral.

I don't think you are being unreasonable @Pinkyroses08. My EX husband came to my granny's funeral. Bloke was an arse, but had enough respect for that.

At least one of your in-laws should have made the effort. I'd definitely limit the relationship I have with them now. They've shown how little they care about you.

Obviously, your husband's relationship with them should be unaltered. But no more card or present buying from you, or making an effort for mother's day for his mum. No more doing little favours for them.

Same for my family and friends in England. People are welcomed and appreciated in coming to show support to family members and pay respects.

Lots of my mum’s friends came to my grandmother’s funeral, though some had never met her, to supoort my mum.

I guess, as with all things, some families are different.

I'm in Scotland, and my parents and brother attended my father in laws funeral even though they'd never met him. I hadn't expected this, but they seemed to think it was a given that they'd be there to support my DH.

In most of the Europe too, besides Britain i guess! I am not british though. Appalling

Im welsh. My FIL died recently my mum and brother came to the funeral. They knew him obviously, not well but they came to support both me and my dh.
Im with you OP