AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

I have just remembered that I worked alongside a colleague for about a year around 15 years ago, in England. We got on well and she talked about her mum a lot. Her mum died and I went to the funeral, which was really small, looking back. I remember I was getting over a terrible flu and was still very weak and had to get a bus and walk for about 20 minutes, and got lost so it took longer. I definitely didn't feel up to it but to me, it was just what you did. I never considered not going because to me that would have been letting my colleague down. I had never met the mum but now I am wondering if I really misjudged that situation!

My MIL wanted to come to my dad's funeral - he died young, no-one in our family new her or liked her and she'd need looking after. I told DH that she absolutely would not be attending.

I did NOT want the cards, texts or notes. They were one more thing to deal with.

This is how I feel (felt) about my parents' deaths and about the death of my husband. I didn't want "support", to have to put on a social face and my mother (Dad died first) didn't either. I don't see why people should be "shocked" about the life choices of other people. I understand the OP's grief and that the inlaws didn't fulfil her expectations but if they are otherwise kind people, people you generally get on with, then she might like to consider getting past it.....but her choice and my condolences

But you could send a card/text/message of some kind to convey sympathies? Ignoring the loss completely seems so callous. While we would have very different opinions of funerals, even strangers on the internet are able to text sorry for your loss, so you’d imagine her in laws could take the five seconds out of their day to do that much?

I have clear memories of people that invited themselves to funerals or people they vaguely knew. They were viewed with suspicion and it was seen as off and not right. Like they were making out they were closer to the deceased than they really were. The people I know who are not like this in England are from the North East etc. for me a funeral is a deeply private and personal thing for people who cared about the person who died and having people there that didn't know them or not well would be seen as not right. So when people don't offer it is often because it would be an intrusion. But as evidenced here that's really culturally dependent.

Married 25 years when PIL died close together and had a double funeral.
It wouldn’t have occurred to either my DM or my (Scottish) DH for my DM to travel to Scotland to attend the funeral. Just as it didn’t occur to me to be offended, when people who knew him, didn’t attend DHs funeral. I certainly wouldn’t have expected somebody’s (BILs for example) parents or siblings to come, even though they’d met DH a handful of times.
It would have made me deeply uncomfortable to have to deal with people I didn’t really know well at such a distressing time tbh. Likewise I wouldn’t attend a funeral of someone I didn’t know really well as I wouldn’t want to cause their loved ones extra stress or upset of having an audience of strangers witness their grief. I feel it’s a very personal time.

So sorry for you loss op

Wow! That's shocking! What were they thinking?

I am Irish and I would be shocked by this. It’s a mark of respect towards you and little to do with their relationship with your parent. I know my siblings husband/ wife’s family came to mum’s wake and funeral and my dh’s did not and there were raised eyebrows. I am sorry OP, this is hurtful but some people just don’t get it.

It seems relevant to point out, I’m not English.

I think it depends if you either invited them or whether they knew each other.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My I laws didn't know my dad but made comments about how I missed fathers day celebrations with the FIL.... 3 weeks after death and before the funeral! I'll never see them again either.

This would upset me. I’d been divorced for years when my father died and my ex in-laws came to his funeral. It’s a mark of respect, and a comfort to those grieving.

First, sorry for your loss OP 🌷 it sounds like you’ve had a tough time and I hope that this thread maybe gives you some comfort (even if it’s just to realise how disparate the responses are).

second, reading the thread is fascinating. I’m English and at this point in my life it wouldn’t occur to me to attend the funeral of someone I didn’t know well. Have done, once before when I was much younger; someone I’d worked with very recently and it felt incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t know why that’s a thing in English culture, but funerals seem to be much more private and intimate. I think it’s a bit weird, but clearly (as demonstrated by this discussion) it is a social norm. As I said, fascinating.

@Pinkyroses08 sorry for you loss OP. Could you be angry about having lost your mum when you're still so young yourself and you're directing your anger in your in-laws direction? I'd say nothing just in case this isn't how you feel long-term.

My opinion on their attendance; if they knew your mum well, yes, they should have attended to pay their respects, however, if they didn't know your mum (or just met once or twice), then no they didn't need to attend.

My mil didn’t come to my mums funeral in December. Im still raging about it. But tbh im annoyed because:
she never gave me any condolences
she asked me to buy and wrap my kids xmas gifts from her 5 days after mum died
she didn’t send a message on the day of the funeral to say hope it went well.
she royally gets annoyed if we can’t go to her ex mils brothers aunties goat’s funeral 🙄🙄🙄
Im trying to let it all go 🤣🤣 hard tho. Sorry for your loss x x

Because it's not black and white? You're making quite a lot of assumptions here. About other peopl's characters too. Not appreciated for those of us who've lost loved ones too and have found the funerals WE arranged for those people to be very moving and a necessary part of the grieving process for US. I'm sorry if that's not considered 'good enough' for you, but we're allowed to do what's best and heartfelt within our own families, thanks.

I wonder if there’s a cultural piece to this - I’m Irish and obviously think it’s incredibly rude and unkind of your in laws not to go and bizarre that they haven’t acknowledged your loss in some way, but I’m aware in the UK, people have very different norms and in my experience people often struggle to know what to do/how to support someone during grief. Personally, I’d feel the way you do right now but if they are usually kind people it might be worth exploring what’s behind their behaviour?

And to add, OP, don’t distance yourself from them. Just manage your feelings around them and mind yourself during your grief xxx

I'm actually surprised at the answers. I would be upset too. Though maybe my family is different, when my Father's parents died my Mum's parents were there to help and hold hands.
I've been to my Husbands Grt Nans funeral, I never met her. It's what you do for family.
It's about supporting the people that are still here.
I'm so sorry for your loss

It really isn't "downright weird" at all. It's just different from what you're used to. It really doesn't make those of us who want the funeral to focus on the person we've lost any less caring or bad people or 'cold' or whatever is being implied. And many of us have had very intimate, meaningful funerals for OUR loved ones as a result. There's nothing wrong with that.

Are you English OP? i only ask as that would make a difference to the answer. If you are then it would seem normal for your partners family not to attend but if you are Scottish then you are right to be upset with them and i would be pulling back from them.

It’s strange that all the English people are shrugging and saying, it’s cultural, get over it. And yet, they grieve and cry, just like anyone else. Why not think that actually turning up at a funeral to support the living is a good thing, and that maybe they should change?
(by the way, I’m British too!).

To be honest, my mind is blown by the idea that it is expected and considered outrageously rude not to. Tricky. It REALLY isn't for most people I know ( England) and generally, I would only expect people there who knew the deceased. For me, funerals are about remembering the life of the deceased and gathering friends and family of them together (had to attend quite a few in the last few years, sadly, including of members of my own family but they've all been lovely, very moving and totally focused on the life of the person who has gone, which for me, is how it 'should' be). If people who'd never met my dad had turned up to his funeral, or even longstanding friends of mine who didn't know him to support me, I'd have found it really off. It was about him, his close family and friends and his life.

So I think the answer here is, I do get why you're upset OP, if that's what expected with most people you grew up around, but it isn't universal at all, and many would feel actively uncomfortable about it. So it's tricky with such massive differences in cultural expectations,especially at such a sensitive time. Your partner's family probably did not intend it as any kind of snub and would likely be quite shocked you saw it that way as many wouldn't expect to attend.

My in-laws travelled a long way to attend my mum’s funeral. I didn’t really want them to; we’ve had a rocky relationship over the years, and whilst things are better these days I didn’t know how I’d be (other than devastated) and wasn’t sure I’d have the bandwidth to deal with them if they were difficult. I’m English, they’re not, and my experience of grandparents’ funerals has been that in-laws don’t come.

I was wrong though - they behaved impeccably, and were incredibly helpful with our preteen children who also attended (we don’t live near my parents and so children needed to attend as the alternative was to leave them with randoms). They were also really good afterwards and way more sensitive than I thought they would be based on past interactions.

So, I think there is no real right or wrong; things are done differently in different cultures. Unless you explicitly asked them to come, there’s a possibility that they thought they weren’t wanted or needed.

I’m really sorry for your loss though, joining the Dead Mum’s Club is really tough.

Do they have jobs? I wouldn't be allowed time off for my child's girlfriend's parent's funeral. Were they very close to your mother?