AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hadn’t read the full thread and didn’t realise it was your husband. I can understand that it would just feel like a punch in the gut with each message. Apologies if I seemed insensitive ❤️

I’m very sorry for your loss but YABU.

You’re applying your own social rules to people who probably have different but equally valid social rules around funeral etiquette.

I will send an annual Christmas card to my adult DC’s in-laws but that’s the full extent of our relationship with them.

I have no interest in socialising with any of them unless the adult DC was hosting an event and had invited both sets of parents. Then we’d attend to be polite.

We definitely wouldn’t attend a funeral in this situation unless my adult DC specifically asked us to. It would feel intrusive to be honest as we really don’t know them.

oh please yes but this is MN and the sky will fall first.

I think there are different views of funerals, different between cultures, and also between families.
My parents have been together nearly 40 yrs, when my mum’s parents died, my dad’s parents didn’t go to the funeral. My DH recently lost a grandparent, and his grandparents on the other side didn’t go. (All surviving grandparents here are well enough to have been able to attend). I don’t think it occurred to anyone that they would go, an absolutely no one minded.

and again I agree with what you have said.

I find this this quote from @Foxytights a bit.... condescending? LIke "YOU don't understand how to do it properly"

"People who haven’t lost someone close to them often don’t understand how much this sort of thing means."

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

OP the same thing happened with me. I knew my in-laws for 30 years, was married to their son for 25 and they didn’t come to my mum or dad’s funerals. Not my mother or father in law nor my brother or sister in laws.

Personally, I think it’s a lack of respect. People attend a funeral for the people who are grieving. It doesn’t matter if they knew your mum, they know you. You are their daughter in law, a part of their family, so they should have attended for YOU. However, it could be a culture thing, I’m in Scotland and this is common and I think this is also

But lots of people HAVE lost people close and are saying they feel differently from you. So it makes it difficult to navigate.

My in laws came to my dad's, but that was only really because they were looking after our 18 month old.

I didn't mind getting them at all when Dad died and it was nice to know how many people cared , but once again, it's about what the person wants, not what YOU say they SHOULD want and feel.

It's not up to you how other people "should" grieve, you know that, right? Other people feel differently and find too much 'contact' at that time intrusive and hard to deal with. Not everyone is you or has to feel the way you do. So can some of you try showing a bit of respect and understanding for the fact that we're not all the same, and don't all grieve the same. FFS. Shouldn't have to be said but apparently it does.

Can’t we just accept cultures are different without calling either side weird?

Yes, maybe cultural differences?
I’m staggered by some of the responses here. I would expect in-laws to attend a funeral and would be very upset if they didn’t. I’m Irish like pp though.

My mother in law and my sister in law who I hardly see came to my both my late parents funerals a few years ago
she hadn’t seen them in years
but to me it was lovely of them to do so

I think funerals are for the living and a way of showing respect to those still alive

People who haven’t lost someone close to them often don’t understand how much this sort of thing means.
My father died 25 years ago, but I still occasionally catch myself holding the fact someone or other didn’t come to his funeral against them, eg: Why should I bother going to watch Julie’s amateur dramatics show when she didn’t even bother to come to Dad’s funeral?
I didn’t go to my cousin’s wedding in Holland last year because it cost too much - and I also justified that to myself by remembering that she didn’t come to my Mum’s funeral 11 years ago.
But I would never let these people know how I feel. They are ignorant, but I don’t think they were deliberately unkind; and I’m sure the same is true of your partner’s family.

Quite often people don’t open them for years.

absolutely this For me each message was another knife in my heart saying "Your husband is dead"

I think it’s regional (a bit like the pall bearer thread) when my DF died my in laws made a point of telling me that thy weren’t coming to the funeral because “they aren’t funeral people and don’t enjoy them” I was gobsmacked and have never quite forgiven them.

I have 5 bil/sil. Have gone to the funerals of all their parents, even though that had involved traveling to the UK from Ireland in some cases.

i guess I could have just ripped them up unopened.......

Ive also been to someone’s funeral who’s family member I know well.

eg my best friends mum- I didn’t really know her mum and had only met her twice, but I went to show respect and support to my best friend.

This.

Irish people go to so many funerals. My in-laws have gone to my aunt and uncles funerals (probably a bit much).

We got almost 300 for my dad. The comfort it gave was immense. Each to their own.

I would feel like you. Unthinkable that they didn't come.

I have seen a thread recently where a lot of commenters wouldn't attend a funeral unless expressly invited. That is strange to me. In some towns (eg south west of Scotland) notice of a funeral is put in shop windows and you take that as an invitation. I had friends at both my parents' funerals who hadn't met them and I go to a funeral to support the bereaved.

I wouldn't fall out with in-laws over non-attendance unless I was sure they shared the same expectations.

Apparently very much a cultural thing going by this thread. I’ve been to funerals of people I’ve never even met, or I’ve had a loose acquaintance with. Funerals are for the living. I’ve gone because it’s the parent of a close friend. Friends of mine came to my Dad’s, for me! It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to attend my (very ex) mother in law’s. I’ll go to my ex FIL’s when he passes.

Maybe it’s a Scots/Irish thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

But you don’t answer notes of condolence. So no work to do really.