AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

How do people get so much leave from work to attend?

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to go to my parents funerals.

i live in a European country where there is a very different funeral etiquette to the UK, and you would turn up at a funeral to support the living, even if a minor connection. A work colleague in a different department’s DS died and loads of work colleagues went even though they had never met the son. Same with my DHs university friends dad died, my DH had never meet the dad but there was an expectation that some of the uni group would go ( and they did).

I personally would hate any of my work colleagues or in laws to go to my parents funerals, but all cultures have such different expectations.

I don’t know what to tell you. “Family Announcements” aka the “Hatched, matched and dispatched” columns in local papers (or online) are a pretty well known thing?

I would love to support everybody I know well who is bereaved, and go to the funeral. But I simply wouldn’t have to get annual leave to attend all these funerals. How do others manage?

i think this is cultural so may depend where the op is from. In England (not sure about the rest of the uk), people tend to only go to the funeral if they knew the person. However in Ireland and in France (these are the lived experiences I have) people go to the funeral if they knew someone close to the person who died. So you would definitely go in this case and it would be strange if they didn’t.

have never done that or known it done for any family member or in law.

I could not have bourne it if anyone had done that.

Replying to my own comment as I’ve now read multiple posts saying this wouldn’t happen in Scotland and wanted to say that my brother’s in laws are very much Scottish and my Dad’s funeral was in Scotland.

Death notices online and in the local paper?

Really?! Do you not have notices in the paper with the funeral arrangements so that their next door neighbour from 20 years ago can see it and then attend? I’ve never heard of invites for a funeral.

My question is the opposite - how do you know when and where the funeral is if you’re not close to someone? When my friend’s mum died suddenly I wanted to go to the funeral and support her, but I felt dreadful messaging her to ask for the details when she was dealing with so much.

no. I don't and wouldn't. I would definitely ask if there was anything i could do to deal with the surrounding practicalities though.

I'd be shocked and upset too OP. I'm Irish though, we do funerals differently. When my dad died my partner's parents drove me to the funeral and were by my side all day. My partner's aunt and uncle showed up to pay their respects. I'll never forget their faces in the rain outside the church. It meant so much. None of them had ever met my dad.

yes I went to my friend’s brother’s funeral to support her.

Wow when my dad died I was not married to my DH, but he and my FIL came. FIL had not met my dad at that point but was keen to pay his respects. My family were deeply grateful for anyone who came, and honestly out of everyone it was my now FIL who really helped me that day to keep it together.

My Dad died last month. My husband’s parents came to the funeral but not his brother, who lives far away and I didn’t expect to. My brother’s parents in law and sister in law did not attend. They had met my Dad quite a few times over their 16 years marriage and obviously have shared grandchildren etc but they weren’t close and didn’t feel that they needed to be there to show support. It’s not how my family would have viewed it and if it were the other way around my parents would have gone to their funeral but everyone is different around funerals and I don’t think you can hold that against them.

Well I’m British and not given to displays of sentimentality and I’m finding this odd. Does no one ever go to a friends parents funeral when they don’t really know the parent but you go to support your friend? It’s not always about knowing the person who has died.

YABU. Unless you all had dinner together once a week or something, I can’t think of why in-laws would attend a parents funeral. Never happened with us and we would never have expected it.

In Northern Ireland, in laws would DEFINITELY attend. It would be considered very poor form and weird if they missed it.

Interesting how families work! I didn’t realise the cultural differences would be this significant. In my culture, you would attend the funeral of people you don’t know wells if the bereaved person is someone you know or care about

I don’t think it’s intended as coldness though. More a sense that it would be, as others have said, inappropriate to attend the funeral of someone you weren’t close to. I think in England theres always the possibility that the bereaved family might be thinking ‘why is she here’ if you turned up at a funeral where you hadn’t known the deceased person well.i id even be worried if might seem kind of creepy or narcissistic and intrusive, like you’re taking someone’s grief and making it about yourself, or just being nosy. But I guess that applies more to say a friend or colleagues parents funeral, if you’d only met the deceased person a handful of times if at all.
I know that all seems odd to people from other cultures. But the other thing is, because there isn’t a cultural kind of obligation to attend funerals, most workplaces I’ve worked at would be quite off about missing work for a funeral, if the person wasn’t someone obviously close like a family member. Whereas in other countries it seems to be acceptable to miss work for the funeral of someone you didn’t know well.

My parents didn't go to my in-laws funerals but they had only met a few times and lived 300 miles apart. In DHS family, in-laws frequently go to funerals but they mostly live in the same small area and know each other socially, through work etc.

I agree with you OP. My seperated parents came to my father in laws funeral recently and that is how everyone I know would do it too. I’m shocked at the people that wouldn’t go. It’s not about not knowing your mum, it’s about going to show support to you too. Someone they do know!

YANBU, and I'm so sorry for your loss. My inlaws came to both DP's funerals and my MIL made a fuss of me on a milestone birthday after my DM died. I wasn't expecting that at all but was touched by it.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, how well did they know your Mum? Xx