AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

Yes: the English approach to death is pretty dysfunctional.

I think we could do with talking about death more from an early age. There is too much taboo and formality I feel. We are all going to die and so it is better talked about in my view.

I think you're confusing thinking that people who don't place huge importance on funeral attendance are somehow trying to avoid death.

In my experience, the people who are big on attending funerals and very keen to be seen doing the right thing are not necessarily the people who are most supportive or open about death.

My husband's family had a very traditional funeral for his father with no idea about what his wishes were because they'd never talked about death despite his terminal cancer diagnosis. My family on the other hand, have regularly talked about what people want/don't want. We're not big on funerals (or weddings or christenings for that matter!)

I'm sorry OP for your loss and can understand your hurt by your future in-laws not attending your mum's funeral.

I'm in Ireland and when my dad died (many years ago) my soon to be husband's mum and sister attended the funeral (even though they had never met my parents at the time). When my mother in law died a few years ago my mum and sisters attended her funeral (they had only met a couple of times).

For both funerals, attendance from family members was to show support for their adult child and partner's loss. It would be very much practiced here in Ireland and while some might not attend, it is very much appreciated by family members when you do attend.

Sending you big hugs OP.

This comes across to me as so condescending. I've lost both my parents, both my step-parents, all my grandparents and my DH, among other losses, and I still wouldn't go to a funeral unless I'd known the deceased person well. And I wouldn't in a million years have expected people who didn't know my relatives to attend their funerals and I wouldn't have felt 'supported' even if they did.

It varies a lot. My MIL is close friends with my DM, as I said earlier, but she barely knows my BIL’s MIL at all.

me too.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I can understand why you are upset, I would expect my long term partner's family to attend the funeral unless there was a very good reason they couldn't attend.

It would be the opposite for me and my (English/British) family. I wouldn’t expect people to attend to support me - they would do that in other ways.
i would be confused if people attended a funeral who didn’t know the person well who had died.

there you go again.
"people who haven’t experienced much death in their family will probably be oblivious to how much it means to the family for them to attend a funeral"

People need to learn how to do it right....... how many deaths does it take to pass the exam?

The brother sent flowers and the dad text.

I think it would change things if your partners real mum and dad were still together and you were all super close and they had met your parents. But it’s only his dad and step mum. They probably thought it wasn’t their place to go.

It’s not about being close to the deceased, it’s about supporting the remaining relatives. People who haven’t experienced much death in their family will probably be oblivious to how much it means to the family for them to attend a funeral. Sorry for your loss op. X

I wouldn't go unless I knew the family better than to get information from a paper or other public source.

what do you base that comment on?

I do think in general that the approach to death in this country is more unhealthy than elsewhere. It’s barely talked about and people don’t like to say anything. They prefer to say ‘passed’ or ‘lost’ rather than ‘died’. Kids are often excluded from funerals is ‘it’s no place for children’ I feel so sad when people have had a child who died, and they say that friends and acquaintances cross the road to avoid them.

I think we could do with talking about death more from an early age. There is too much taboo and formality I feel. We are all going to die and so it is better talked about in my view.

I find it strange that parents and in-laws don’t know each other really. But I’m from a culture where marriage is about families uniting. My parents made a huge effort to get to know my (English) in-laws and attended their funerals. I find it really odd that the in-laws and parents never meet after the wedding day, unless there is a toxic reason or huge distances separate them of course.

So there is no limit? You can attend as many as you wish?

Yes but I think it’s pretty standard to say yes. Most funerals aren’t secret.

Obviously in order to attend the funeral?

If his brother/SIL sent flowers they were thinking of you OP. I think it might be a case of different expectations within families? There seems to be quite different viewpoints on this thread.
I do understand why you’re hurt.

It's so interesting that cultural expectations regarding deaths and funerals can be completely different. Also so weird that many MNers are judgemental and genuinely can't seem to fathom that other people might prefer to do things differently and that this is OK. 'I'm shocked! I'm flabbergasted! that everyone in the world isn't exactly the same as me and doesn't want to do everything exactly the same! What's wrong with you people?!'

Personally I can't think of anything I'd have wanted less at my dad's funeral than a bunch of randomers who didn't even know him turning up and intruding on our family's grief, but clearly there are lots of people who would feel supported and extremely appreciative of that, and that's completely fine. We don't all have to do things in exactly the same ways and feel exactly the same as everyone else.

OP didn’t say that her PIL live hundreds of miles away though?
We’re not sure, but given that she’s so disappointed in them, my guess is that they live considerably closer.

Don’t do anything in haste OP I find that different people have vastly different expectations on what the norm is depending on their own family background. So for some people they would perceive going to your mum’s funeral (if they didn’t know her personally even if they are close to you) as intruding. So it may not be a deliberate slight from your in laws as you perceive it to be because of your own sense of what is proper on these occasions. Condolences on your loss.

Sorry for your loss @Pinkyroses08 💐

Yes. I have done that, but it has always been a local friend or a workmate, so I haven't had to travel and stay overnight.

I'm surprised at posters being "shocked" and "flabbergasted" that inlaw parents who have met each other only once and live hundreds of miles apart from each other would not attend the funerals of their SIL/DIL's parents.

It has nothing to do with being cold or heartless. It just isn't expected, and it isn't wrong, so please stop judging.