AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

I’ve been with DH for nearly 20 years however our parents have never met so I wouldn’t expect them to come to each others funerals. Same for BIL/SIL who also have never met my parents.

If they knew each other well then I would assume they’d attend but otherwise it feels a bit weird to me to expect them to turn up.

Maybe that’s another difference then. Because after 9 years together, we Scots aren’t going “she’s just his gf actually, so we’re not going to bother.”

But they did make an effort (in their eyes). Maybe they thought it would be rude and intrusive to turn up at the funeral.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend should have invited them to the funeral.

There is no one size fits all etiquette about funerals, and people aren't telepathic, so if there is an expectation about funeral attendance maybe this should be communicated.

I think they have shown they care by texting you and sending flowers and a card (which is more effort than a text). Did they know your mum and spend time with her? Was it clear that they had been invited to the funeral?
I would expect my partner to attend a family funeral of mine but not any of his relatives unless they also knew my relative, but that is just my own expectations and other people will think differently

Actually it’s just their son’s girlfriend. Op isn’t even engaged. They sent a text and flowers.

It’s not the funeral of a stranger. This was for the mum of their daughter in law. There is no world in which it’s normal to not bother to go to that… except for the English. And everyone else thinks it is very odd.

@Holdmybeermoment Yes, that probably explains it. DH and I were together 20 years before we married. The parents never met, lived in different towns, no reason to.
They met once at the wedding and never again. Not for any reason, they were all lovely kind people ( all dead now).

I agree with this.
My MIL was very matter of fact when my mum died. She had lost a husband when she was only 27 and had three children under 6. She had also lost a child at 19, so it wasn't as if she was unfamiliar with death.

I remember her saying to me "you can talk about your mum as much or as little as you wish. Either is fine by me". I found that a comfort.

She also didn't believe in condolence cards. She didn't like receiving them or sending them, and that was also fine by me.

I wish people would stop with the judgements and saying that English people are weird about death. We just do things differently.

Maybe they all live in a close knit community. In my case my family were in the south east and DH's were in the north east, and neither had a car. They met just the once at our wedding. I didn't have DD until after both my parents had died.

We don't judge people who go to lots of funerals for people they barely know. I have supported and will continue to support close friends and workmates when they parents have died, but that doesn't involve a 6 hour journey and an overnight stay.

So please stop with being "shocked", "flabbergasted", "horrified" etc at how other cultures do things differently.

Besides, I doubt I would have been allowed to have so much time off work for all these funerals.

Are you English?

I think your reaction is a bit unusual and they probably have no idea how offended you would be. I think at least you should let them know you expected them and give them chance to explain or apologise.
In my family in laws wouldn't attend funerals. In fact they only met once at the wedding. In laws and outlaws don't usually mix ime.

I'm actually surprised at so maybe posters saying they wouldn't expect it. We recently had my mil's funeral and my own parents attended and id have expected it visa versa. They did know each other however so it'd have been strange if they hadn't, even if they didn't know one another id have expected it so that they were showing respect and support. I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

@Pikachu150it is dysfunctional - lacking in empathy and full of “don’t know what to say so better say nothing”. Speaking from personal experience of how my employer reacted after my brother in law’s untimely death. Appalling and lacking in any sense of empathy or, to be honest, common decency.

That's not creating a family rift,it's called having boundaries with people who don't bother to make an effort when you're bereaved.

@Holdmybeermoment I totally agree with you.

I can’t believe most of these replies. I’m Scottish. You go to the funeral. They should have been at the funeral.

My own mum couldn’t attend her dad’s funeral. My dad’s parents both went - we weren’t even there but my dad’s parents went.

We go to funerals of our friend’s parents.
You go to the funeral of your children’s partner’s parents. They should have been there. Despicable that they didn’t bother to go.

I absolutely would expect my in laws to attend my parent’s funerals.
I would be gobsmacked if they didn’t.
But I’m Irish.

I’m glad you’ve decided not to cut them off completely, but I’m afraid I still think you’re being unreasonable. It's not as though they all ignored the sad event completely. Your DP's father sent you a text (which I agree is minimal) and your BIL and his wife sent you flowers but you still seem determined to feel insulted even by the flowers because there wasn't a message to go with them, as you feel there should have been. In their shoes you would have acted differently, but you’re not them. Maybe it’s just their family custom, not to go to funerals of people they hardly knew. Some people think that doing so would be intrusive.

You are planning to create a family rift, which is sad. I hope time will be a healer and you will soon feel better and be able to focus on your happy memories of your mum.

Nope I’ve never attended a non family funeral. I’d go if a friend asked me.

In fact there has even been family funerals I haven’t gone to because I had long fallen out with that person and to me it felt it would be hypocritical to then go to their funeral as if I was upset they had passed away when they had zero baring or thought in my life for many years.

I'm English and while i can't speak for others, I don't think my approach to death is dysfunctional at all. I still would expect only those who knew my loved ones to attend their funerals. I would expect everyone else to comfort me away from the funeral. For me, the funeral is for talking and thinking about the deceased and they can't do that if they have never met them or barely know them.

Sorry about your mum OP. I too lost my mum to cancer and it's really traumatic. I agree I would have been very upset if my in laws had chosen not to attend her funeral (my in laws came without question), my brother and sister also offered to come but would have been difficult due to their self employed business.

I'm astonished by the amount of respondents to this thread saying that they wouldn't have attended/ in laws funerals/ shouldn't have to attend their child's parents funeral even if they knew them for a long period of time. Surely it's just basic courtesy and a show of solidarity for the family members, unless there's a genuine reason why they can't make it.

Can you really not envisage why two families who live hundreds of miles apart from each other, involving a six and a half hour journey (no car) involving a tram, two trains and two buses might not meet up for a cup of coffee?

I'm talking about the days when the only means of contact was the telephone or a letter.

That’s what I was trying to get across in my post. Any support is appreciated when you’re going through a loss.

Any of my family didn’t attend my partners dad funeral i wouldn’t have expected it. athey didcontact my partner and send condolences etc.

l would expect it would be the same vice versa. Of course all families are different.

I agree...but it can work the other way also..

When my sister's FIL died me and my mum assumed we would go to his funeral, but my sister said it's not a freak show and wasn't sure we should attend as we'd only met her FIL a handful of times. My mum was perplexed and said she wanted to go to show support....in the end we went and sister's MIL was very grateful we'd come.