AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

Well this thread has made me think. I don’t think I’m cold and I like my sons in law but it would not have occurred to me to attend their parent’s funerals. It would have felt like an intrusion. I have also never attended the funerals of my friend’s parents. I have sent flowers or letters. In future I will ask if they would like me to attend. Also I really don’t know my children’s in laws all that well. I have met them on special occasions and had them visit me at home and have also visited them once.It was all very cordial but I don’t know them very well at all. They live a long distance away, we send Christmas cards. They are nice people.

Yes I agree.When my darling Mum died my MIL came to the funeral. It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t. Am so sorry OP ,Mums are so precious ❤️

@Pikachu150my employer explained that “The English aren’t good with death” and “don’t know what to say”.

I am literally saying what they - an English person - told me

I’m west African and I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m from a country that’s considered warm and family oriented, but we still consider funerals to be small private events for only immediate family and very close friends. I’m pushing 40 and I’ve never attended one. It’s unlikely I will until a parent dies, which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

Occasionally there’s a Mumsnet thread that teaches me something. It would honestly never have occurred to me that different cultures viewed and treated funerals so differently. It’s been really eye opening!

What’s a bit disappointing is that, instead of approaching this in the spirit of learning, understanding and respecting this as a cultural difference, so many people are professing themselves to be disgusted at the very idea of people doing it differently. (I’m talking about the attitude of commenters, not the OP.)

My MIL died six months ago. My parents didn’t go to the funeral although they sent a sympathy card to my FIL, DH and his sisters. They barely knew my in laws - only met a handful of times and were quite different people so we didn’t encourage it. I don’t think they’d seen each other since we got married 15 years ago. Practically, they live some distance apart - a three hour drive or so. No one was offended.

I did encourage a couple of DH’s old university friends to attend (they would have met MIL a few times) to show support to DH, although neither did in the end, which I thought was slightly rubbish of them, so I do get that aspect of it. DH (who is more English than me) wasn’t fussed at all though and was slightly surprised I suggested they come.

Gosh, my in-laws came to my uncle's funeral. They had met maybe twice but theu came to pay their respects.

YANBU to feel disappointed. You see yourself as part of their family but they have shown that they don't see you as part of theirs.

How do you think they would react if your DP did say to them you were disappointed how little they have reached out to show their support?

Whereas I had to argue for 2 days leave (unpaid as i was out of annual leave) to attend my Grandad's funeral with my then public sector employer.

I agree that they haven't been supportive. A phone call, flowers, cards etc would be normal.

It doesn't sound like they have given her support though, other than texting her partner which is not adequate in my view.And this is why resentment is building I think.

My view of funerals is similar to yours I think.
I go to funerals to support those who have suffered the loss, regardless of how well I knew the person who has died (or even if I knew them at all). My friends do the same.

BUT, I do recognise that this isn’t necessarily the norm, so if people who didn’t have a close connection to the deceased don’t turn up, it is understandable.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope you have the support and space to grieve and recover.

Yes, i think it is interesting how much funeral etiquette varies. Not so good that people are so judgemental about customs that are different from theirs though.

So? They have been together for 9 years! We’re not in the Victorian times

@Holdmybeermoment

I think it's fine to challenge judgemental comments. Some of the statements are coming across as irritatingly self-righteous and intolerant of the fact that people/cultures vary and do things differently.

Just because some people take a certain approach to funeral etiquette doesn't mean it's the only normal or right way to do things.

I think this thread really shines a light on MIL problems!

How in a 20 year marriage have each others parents not met? at the wedding. birthdays etc?
Unless there’s NC it seems odd to me.

This thread is quite bizarre. I get that if in your culture you go to funerals regardless of whether you knew the deceased but if that isn't your culture why would you expect or be upset that people who didn't know your loved one didn't go? Obviously you would expect empathy and support but why does it need to be at the funeral?

@Nonbio46

It’s not about being close to the deceased, it’s about supporting the remaining relatives.

But that's not a universal truism.

For some people, funerals are about being/having been close to the deceased.

It's unlikely that I would attend the funeral of someone that I hadn't been at least somewhat close to.

I think there should be space for multiple views regarding funerals. What's the norm for one person isn't the norm for everyone else.

It's about showing your support for a bereaved friend/family member, so it really does not matter if they knew her mum or were close. Also it does not matter about your nationality-sure common decency is universal?

If you were so comfortable and confident in the way your culture handles funerals then you wouldn’t care about any one else’s opinions. If you feel judged, maybe wonder why.

It looks like better commication is the key here. If you want people to turn up don't just expect it, tell them.

You still go.

It isn't anything to do with not knowing what to say so better to say nothing. I would expect friends and in laws to say a lot and support me. I just wouldn't expect them to go to the funeral as in my culture that is for people who knew the deceased. By definition, something is only "common decency" if it is common and expected.

I'm really surprised at the overall consensus. In my personal opinion attending a funeral is about showing up for the grieving loved ones as much as showing respect for those that have died. My in-laws barely knew my parents but they came to support me. I fully understand your feelings, a very good friend of mine didn't come and I felt let down tbh. I think it might stem from the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot you'd show your support if at all possible. Try not to dwell on it for your own sake but if it makes you feel distant that's on them. I'm sorry for your loss, look after yourself 💐

What if they don’t know each other? That is a lot more common than you might think.

There is no world in which it’s normal to not bother to go to that

Yes there is. It is very normal to me and many people, so don't judge.