Page 12 | AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

Pinkyroses08 · 2026-03-20T17:22:30+00:00

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Bearbookagainandagain · 21/03/2026 14:14

Sorry for your loss OP, but I don't think it's that unusual. Unless maybe they met each other regularly and knew each other quite well.

I would obviously go to support my husband if one of his family member is sick or for a funeral, but it wouldn't even cross my mind for my family to attend, and vice versa.

Edit: I don't think I would even want my in laws to attend a funeral in my family of someone they barely know - it would feel weird.
However I would do my best to attend a funeral in my husband's family if he or someone else's asks me / proactively invites me, and obviously want me there.

Checkenberger · 21/03/2026 13:57

YANBU
I feel funerals are for the living, not the dead. You go to support your friends and family and I think it's awful they didn't go. I've been to many funerals of people I had never met to be there for my friends and family who have lost somebody close to them. That's what funerals are about surely?

Ironingablueshirt · 21/03/2026 13:55

RampantIvy · 21/03/2026 13:53

This is a brilliant post.

Clearly, people have a mismatch in expectations.

I don't agree with posters saying that the OP's boyfriend's family didn't show any care. They sent flowers. It sounds like they felt that they weren't expected to attend the funeral.

Why didn't the boyfriend ask his family to attend? Did he even expect his family to do so?

Also, there are a lot of assumptions on this thread. Not everyone lives near their families, or even in the same country.

Distance prevented my parents from meeting DH's family after the wedding. They were also very, very different. The only things they would have had in common would be DH and me.

Show quote history

OP said they live 15 mins away in this case, but I agree with the rest.

RampantIvy · 21/03/2026 13:53

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 21/03/2026 10:01

I’m west African and I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m from a country that’s considered warm and family oriented, but we still consider funerals to be small private events for only immediate family and very close friends. I’m pushing 40 and I’ve never attended one. It’s unlikely I will until a parent dies, which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

Occasionally there’s a Mumsnet thread that teaches me something. It would honestly never have occurred to me that different cultures viewed and treated funerals so differently. It’s been really eye opening!

What’s a bit disappointing is that, instead of approaching this in the spirit of learning, understanding and respecting this as a cultural difference, so many people are professing themselves to be disgusted at the very idea of people doing it differently. (I’m talking about the attitude of commenters, not the OP.)

Edited

Show quote history

This is a brilliant post.

Clearly, people have a mismatch in expectations.

I don't agree with posters saying that the OP's boyfriend's family didn't show any care. They sent flowers. It sounds like they felt that they weren't expected to attend the funeral.

Why didn't the boyfriend ask his family to attend? Did he even expect his family to do so?

Also, there are a lot of assumptions on this thread. Not everyone lives near their families, or even in the same country.

Distance prevented my parents from meeting DH's family after the wedding. They were also very, very different. The only things they would have had in common would be DH and me.

ThreadneedleRoad · 21/03/2026 13:47

Discombobble · 21/03/2026 13:44

Sounds like a mismatch in expectations. My Dad did not go to my father-in-law’s funeral, I don’t think anyone expected him to - they hardly knew each other. I tend to ask a family member if they think it would be helpful for me to attend, then go with that - people are different

Show quote history

This is the weird thing in so many of these responses. It’s completely irrelevant whether your PiLs knew your parents — they know you, presumably. By attending the funeral of your parent, they’re showing support for you, the person who married their child.

Discombobble · 21/03/2026 13:46

Nonbio46 · 21/03/2026 08:30

It’s not about being close to the deceased, it’s about supporting the remaining relatives. People who haven’t experienced much death in their family will probably be oblivious to how much it means to the family for them to attend a funeral. Sorry for your loss op. X

But it doesn’t always - funerals are hard enough without having to make small talk with people you barely know

Arosewithnothorns · 21/03/2026 13:46

Sorry for your Loss,its really hard to lose a parent. Its understandable you are upset with your prospective in-laws but there could be many reasons they didn't attend. You mentioned your partners father had a stroke. My immediate thoughts were this could be the reason. Attending a funeral in support of the bereaved is honourable although not everyone who you would expect to attend feel strong enough. I would try for the sake of my future husband to let this one go. The only other option would be to allow this to jepordise your relationship with your in-laws for the rest of your life. This would inevitably put a strain on your marriage especially given their son would remain supportive & close to them. Wishing you all the best💐

Discombobble · 21/03/2026 13:44

ShortButSure · 21/03/2026 08:27

I do think in general that the approach to death in this country is more unhealthy than elsewhere. It’s barely talked about and people don’t like to say anything. They prefer to say ‘passed’ or ‘lost’ rather than ‘died’. Kids are often excluded from funerals is ‘it’s no place for children’ I feel so sad when people have had a child who died, and they say that friends and acquaintances cross the road to avoid them.

I think we could do with talking about death more from an early age. There is too much taboo and formality I feel. We are all going to die and so it is better talked about in my view.

Sounds like a mismatch in expectations. My Dad did not go to my father-in-law’s funeral, I don’t think anyone expected him to - they hardly knew each other. I tend to ask a family member if they think it would be helpful for me to attend, then go with that - people are different

Ironingablueshirt · 21/03/2026 13:41

PixelDreamer · 21/03/2026 13:10

YANBU at the very least they should have been there to support you and your partner and to pay basic respects. It doesn’t cost anything to show compassion.

The last funeral I attended cost me nearly £500 (hotel/travel/time off work)

In this case the ILs live 15 minutes away though.

DoraSpenlow · 21/03/2026 13:38

Apart from my Dad, husband, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew I couldn't tell you who was at my Mum's funeral. I was far too distraught to be ticking off a list of who was there and who was not.

OP, I am sorry for your loss. Losing my Mum was the worst day of my life. Please try to let it go. You are only causing yourself more sorrow and nothing can be done to change it now.

JustGiveMeReason · 21/03/2026 13:31

ShortButSure · 21/03/2026 08:23

I find it strange that parents and in-laws don’t know each other really. But I’m from a culture where marriage is about families uniting. My parents made a huge effort to get to know my (English) in-laws and attended their funerals. I find it really odd that the in-laws and parents never meet after the wedding day, unless there is a toxic reason or huge distances separate them of course.

But the OP and her partner weren't married.
I am not "judging" that in any way, but it is completely different scenario from what you are talking about.

When my dd got married, she had been with her partner 7 years but we had never met her parents socially (and we all live locally to one another). We met her Dad as he helped on the day they moved into their house 4 years before the wedding, but we only met them as a couple, and began to get to know them a little bit during the preparations for the wedding, then at the wedding, then when we were all invited round for tea and cake when they got the photos and video back.
As none of that had happened, it is perfectly feasible the OP's parents and her partner's parents hadn't met.

Anonymouseposter · 21/03/2026 13:26

Regarding the annual leave issue, my daughter is a teacher. At the time my mother died she had a difficult head. She needed a full day off to travel to the funeral and was given a very hard time over it.

JustGiveMeReason · 21/03/2026 13:25

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 21/03/2026 10:01

I’m west African and I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m from a country that’s considered warm and family oriented, but we still consider funerals to be small private events for only immediate family and very close friends. I’m pushing 40 and I’ve never attended one. It’s unlikely I will until a parent dies, which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

Occasionally there’s a Mumsnet thread that teaches me something. It would honestly never have occurred to me that different cultures viewed and treated funerals so differently. It’s been really eye opening!

What’s a bit disappointing is that, instead of approaching this in the spirit of learning, understanding and respecting this as a cultural difference, so many people are professing themselves to be disgusted at the very idea of people doing it differently. (I’m talking about the attitude of commenters, not the OP.)

Edited

Show quote history

This 100%

Hopefully some people might take posts on this thread on board as new knowledge and understanding and respecting that not every family does things the same, or has the same expectations. It doesn't even need to be a difference between which country you were born in. 'Cultural' is about the way you were brought up. You can be very different from your neighbour on the same street, your colleague, or - in this case - your partner and their family. It shows up in many ways, but obviously emotions are heightened with grieving.

MrsVBS · 21/03/2026 13:24

I think it depends but my in laws would definitely attend and vice versa but they get on well with my parents.

PixelDreamer · 21/03/2026 13:10

YANBU at the very least they should have been there to support you and your partner and to pay basic respects. It doesn’t cost anything to show compassion.

The last funeral I attended cost me nearly £500 (hotel/travel/time off work)

TaraPup · 21/03/2026 13:08

To answer the annual leave question. as a pp said you can sometimes just pop into a removal after work. If you want to attend the funeral during the day, tbh if it's local I just pop out, and would only book leave if I had to travel. I got 5 days compassionate for a parent and 3 for a grandparent so that was easy. This has been the norm with all my employers in Ireland, funerals are such a part of every day life here that popping out for a half day to attend a funeral is looked at no differently to popping out to the dentist in every small business I have worked at.

godmum56 · 21/03/2026 13:03

Foxytights · 21/03/2026 12:31

I’m English and my in-laws attended my parents’ funerals.
I have also attended my in-laws parent’s funerals. It’s completely normal to do that in England.

Yup and slso normal to do other things instead

RampantIvy · 21/03/2026 13:03

BuddhaAtSea · 21/03/2026 12:43

Sorry for your loss. I voted YANBU, I think they should have come and support you and your DP.
It is poor form, it’s a major life event.
The concept of family is really very weird in England.

To you.

BuddhaAtSea · 21/03/2026 12:43

Sorry for your loss. I voted YANBU, I think they should have come and support you and your DP.
It is poor form, it’s a major life event.
The concept of family is really very weird in England.

Pikachu150 · 21/03/2026 12:42

Foxytights · 21/03/2026 12:31

I’m English and my in-laws attended my parents’ funerals.
I have also attended my in-laws parent’s funerals. It’s completely normal to do that in England.

Did your in laws know your parents? Did they live nearby? If not I totally disagree that it is "normal" for them to go in all of England. You only have to look at many of the replies on this thread to see that.

SorcererGaheris · 21/03/2026 12:36

Pinkyroses08 · 21/03/2026 08:02

My god I wasn’t expecting this level of replies. I’m from north east England. All my close friends came to support me but it was sad non of my in laws made the effort. My brothers in laws were all there including his SIL there partners. My partner is a twin, and they lost their mum when they were 13, so they know how hard it is (their mum and dad were divorced when this happened) but I haven’t had anything bar one text from his dad and stepmam and some flowers and a note with them from his brother and SIL (no text).
Whole thing has blown my mind completely and whilst I appreciate cultural differences, them showing no support to me has made me feel like shit and not apart of any supportive family unit. When his dad had a stroke about 5 years ago I was running about getting stuff in for him and he can’t make the effort for me? Btw they all live a 15 min drive away from me.
I don’t think I’ll go to the extreme of removing them from social media but I will not be making any effort whatsoever with any of them ever again.

@Pinkyroses08

You're not wrong to feel upset, which is probably being compounded by your grief (and I am very sorry for what you have gone through with your mother's diagnosis/death) - but I really think that making no further effort with your in-laws would be an over-reaction.

They could have done more to be supportive - and from what you say, they did make some minimal effort - but they may genuinely not have realised that you expected/wanted more than that.

If you've had good relations with them up to now, I highly doubt that they were intentionally trying to be insensitive. It may well have just never occurred to them that you expected or wanted more than the bare minimum.

Maybe they thought that you would appreciate space? Maybe they thought that a lot of reaching out would potentially be overwhelming? I don't know for sure, but there are possibilities in which they're not behaving badly.

I would advise you to give them the benefit of the doubt, considering your history with them so far has been positive. You have every right to feel sad and disappointed that they didn't do more, but I would suggest that you don't hold it against them and think the worst of them for it.

Boolabus · 21/03/2026 12:31

Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 21/03/2026 10:50

I think funerals are for the living not the dead. Their relationship with the OP's mother is irrelevant. They should have attended if the OP is important to them. Clearly she is not.

This 💯
You go to support the bereaved who in this case is likely to be their future dil and mum to their grandkids and who will need their support massively as she navigates her grief and potentially becoming a mum herself. I would not treat them any differently but personally would have lost a bit of respect for them
I haven't read full thread so apologies if this has been asked before but did your partner strongly suggest to them they should attend? I would expect mine to do that if he knew they weren't going to

Foxytights · 21/03/2026 12:31

I’m English and my in-laws attended my parents’ funerals.
I have also attended my in-laws parent’s funerals. It’s completely normal to do that in England.

SorcererGaheris · 21/03/2026 12:27

Calliecarpa · 21/03/2026 12:13

We're on page 22 of the thread and there are still so many people who are unable or unwilling to grasp that their ideas about who should attend funerals are not universal. I certainly wouldn't have considered it 'common decency' or 'respectful' for crowds of people who didn't even know my parents to show up at their funerals. I wouldn't have considered that to be 'support' for me and my family. For me, grief is a private matter and funerals are to be attended by those who were close to the dead person, not their neighbour's third cousin's brother-in-law's tennis coach who once said hi to the person in the street 25 years ago.

There are so many different cultural practices and beliefs about this, and that's great, but on this thread we're repeatedly seeing those of us who prefer small funerals called 'weird' and 'cold fish' and told that we don't have 'common decency' and are uncaring.

@Calliecarpa

Exactly. It's quite disappointing (but perhaps not surprising) to see so many people insistent on their perspective/way of doing things being the only valid way.

The world is diverse. Customs vary. What one person considers appropriate/correct may not be considered appropriate or correct by another person. Sometimes it's hard to know what's expected or desired of you unless you're explicitly told.

My10centsworth · 21/03/2026 12:13

godmum56 · 21/03/2026 10:39

how people SHOW common decency varies massively though

Show quote history

I agree but I would have thought they could have called and checked how she was. Texted to see if she needed anything. To be fair, the OP obviously thinks it is a bit off and maybe they do not know her well enough to recognised how she would react.