AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

Well said @hihelenhi

I don’t think you’re making up lies - I think in grief, smaller moments often blur together. It sounds like she did mention it then, but was led by you but this was perceived by you as never mentioning it. I would see that differently and I strongly advocate people support their loved ones in difficult moments but this point seems really important to you and I don’t want to add to your distress. I’m glad you had such a good friend although of course very sorry you needed her for such a sad reason. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

I’m more of a South-wesht woman by birth.

West is best 👌

No, but I lived there for quite a while years back!

Don’t have many truly close friends!

@ThreadneedleRoad
Are you a Galway girl by any chance?

Sorry for your loss @Pinkyroses08

I voted you were not unreasonable after your first post but I find your second post confusing as you write that your bils came and sil did too and sent flowers.
Are they your sisters’ husbands or your partner’s brothers ?

As life is short, why waste it being judgemental.?Your words are still there to be read.

OP may not be from a culture where only people who know the deceased quite well attend the funeral but it seems her PIL are from such a culture. And tbh, the fact that she has known them for nearly a decade doesn't mean her parents would be considered part of their family. I certainly don't consider my dds partners parents part of my family. I have never met them.

It’s really not that complicated. The OP is not from some ‘culture’ where only being besties with the deceased means you attend funerals. She’s been family with these people for the best part of a decade and was close enough five years ago to be helping out when her FIL had a stroke. Her PIL live nearby and know her well. The rest of the family attended.

Edited because life’s short

We were together 15 years+ before we got married (now 45 years). The "wedding" was a register office quickie with no reception which we considered not telling anyone but in the end we did and the parents came.
My in laws never drove or travelled outside of their small town. The parents and in laws never met again, there was no cross over between families, I really don't think that's unusual.
I think it's probably a measure of "Englishness" that DH would not have wanted my parents to go to his parents funeral .

It's not completely irrelevant whether PIL know the parents if you are from a culture where people only attend funerals if they know the deceased. Customs vary. Why is that so hard to understand?

@Duckiewasthefirstniceguy I totally agree. For me it would be an invasion of privacy and not ok. This is the opposite of those saying it's basic human decency to show support by attending. It would not be for me and I know many others who feel the same. This does not make us bad, cold people. I want to grieve and mark the passing of my loved ones with people who loved them. That is all. I find it disrespectful that some refuse to respect that and want to pass cruel aspersions on my moral character. It's very narrow minded.

I don't see a lack of compassion there. I see a mismatch in expectations and in thoughts of what would be appropriate. As the entire thread has shown, "going to someone's funeral' is not automatically a sign of compassion . Or respect, in fact. And support can happen in many different ways. As can the actual needs of those grieving.

But apparently anyone who doesn't think this is a possibility or we're allowed to experience that differently or feel differently on a case by case basis is some evil, immoral, ice-cold English person with a dysfunctional attitude to death or who supposedly doesn't care or understand and hasn't experienced anything about grief and bereavement.

Oh, and for the last time. There is no rule on who "funerals are for". It is not decreed. Yes, often the family and their loved one, but the family may or may not want a bunch of randoms to insert themselves into THEIR special ceremony for THEIR dead relative and may not actually find it either supportive or compassionate. Not hard to comprehend, but apparently comprehension that everyone isn't the same is not universal.

Look, I get it, it’s culturally acceptable in England to not attend your in law’s funeral

That's a judgemental misrepresentation of the cultural norm for many people. You're implying that the in-laws ought to go to the funeral but have been given some sort of a pass to get out of it. And you see that to be a poor show. Many of us just don't have that cultural norm. It's not morally inferior to the "everyone should attend everyone else's funeral" It's different Why is that so hard for some people to understand?

I personally think you go to support your family. It is a really vulnerable time for you and it is not being sensitive to feel hurt.
I suppose if you have not spent much time with these people then maybe they weren't sure whether to come or not but a card at the very least would have been kind and thoughtful.
Maybe wait a while re the unfollowing on social media. See how you feel when things aren't so raw. But I would probably be tempted to do the same.

And if you're not going to be compassionate to your daughter in law , who are you going to show support and compassion to?
It's such a values thing.

But funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living, for those left behind.

You're repeating this mantra as though it's a universal inalienable truth. It isn't.

In my (non-English, non-European) culture, showing up to a funeral without an explicit invitation would be considered extremely disrespectful and very upsetting for the mourners. In laws would not be expected to attend and, if they just turned up, people would genuinely think they were crazy.

This is obviously not the case for the OP. But, stating that X is ALWAYS the moral/correct/compassionate option, regardless of cultural context, is rarely ever accurate.

Morality is universal. So is compassion.
The argument seems to be: we didn’t really know the deceased. But funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living, for those left behind.

Look, I get it, it’s culturally acceptable in England to not attend your in law’s funeral. But surely you’re supposed to support your daughter in law when she goes through a major loss if there is no major back story there. She is family, extended, but still family.

That's what funerals are about surely?

For you, maybe, but not for everyone. That's what we've been discussing for the last umpteen pages.

There are people who have lost many family members in a short space of time & they simply dont feel strong enough to attend another funeral if its another one close together,especially if its not a relative or close friend.

Funerals are still a bit of a taboo I find.
Im sorry for your loss, and you will be grieving through this for awhile, so don’t do anything hasty.

If they supported you, visits to your mum, then yes disappointing. Remember that often in the work place companies will not give leave of absence unless it’s a direct relation.
We recently attended a funeral where the daughter in law couldn’t get leave, so very hard for her and her husband who was a bearer to his fathers coffin.

We were asked if we would attend, and was grateful for the opportunity to support the family, but when my uncle died (same week!) we were informed by my cousin it wasn’t necessary to travel, so we didn’t, it was a three hour journey one way.