To have distanced myself from my in-laws because of their casual sexism?

I have to say age has less to do with it than you think. My parents and all their friends are in the their late 70s/early 80s and don't hold these attitudes. Don't use age as an excuse.

I think distancing from family is a big deal that causes a LOT of drama. Its also often very difficult and upsetting for the partner who's relatives they are, who is usually balancing irritation at their behaviour against love, connection and history.
So, for that reason, I'd not distance unless it was something absolutely intolerable.
Personally while I don't love the idea of pink and blue roles, provided they are carried out with respect and all parties agree to play them, I'd see it as live and let live.
Which is not the same as going along with them. And while you're not going to get very far by insisting on going to the pub with the men or the tip with FiL, you could opt out of the segregated parts of socialising altogether, joining only the mixed part if you wanted to, and politely decline your in laws offers of help. This should be possible without the need to 'distance'.

well we are in our 60s DH and cooks ,shops and hoovers.As far as going to the pub is concerned we all go and come back together! Maybe my DGP generation ,but They were my age in the 1960s.I would maybe go LC just be "busy" if DP needs to go over .MAybe just Christmas /Birthdays sort of thing

I asked about age just because my inlaws would have been in their 90s now (died a few years ago in their late 80s) and in their generation these attitudes were more common. Of course not everyone was like that. My inlaws actually reminded me more of my own gradparents, even though I am 54, so my grandparents would now be in their 100s would they still have been alive! My own parents are in their 80s and not like that at all.

I think some of it it's also their own ecosystem like someone else said, where they never get challenged and everyone around them is the same. It does grate and it never ceased to annoy me, although a lot less in later years as they got older and frailer, and it was just a bit annoying rather than very annoying....

Mine were also racist to boot, but that's another topic altogether....

@LindorDoubleChoc I'm not OP, but my ILs are like this (late 60s) and I know several other families from their/DH's circle who operate in a similar way, although not all of them, of course. They are all posh countryside people in SW England, mostly living quite rurally and only they really interact with others like them - they can be a bit of a caricature tbh....

My background couldn't be more different - ILs often politely but pointedly refer to my family and me as "very cosmopolitan" which I suspect is not a compliment 😂also, the bar for being cosmopolitan is pretty low - when I first met DH he was shocked that my mother "travels independently" 🙄because apparently boarding a plane requires male supervision in their family...

I feel a bit embarrassed about posting on this thread so many times but this topic has really gotten me going!!!

Definitely not an age thing, my grandparents in their 80s never behaved like this, nevermind my parent’s generation!!! I’d distance too.

They do sound sexist. Up to you whether this is a reason to distance yourself.

My ils also never had my mobile number.. Any communications went via dh. If they didn't get cards /gifts /included in dc's stuff it wasn't down to me. And if things were forgotten they didn't have me to blame! They visited every Monday. Arriving at 8 20 am.

If they turned up any other times I kept to my usual schedule. If that meant taking dc to a club etx then too bad . Dh could amuse them...
Who the hell visits at 8.20 am? Those fuckers that's who!

When we go to DHs parent's for Sunday lunch, MIL cooks a fantastic roast and at the end of the meal (and without a word) FIL, BIL and DH get up, clear the plates and go out to wash up. It is an unbreakable family rule, the cook never washes up.

Then a few months back there was a bit of joshing about BILs cleaning as he had recently moved and discovered an embarrassing amount of crap under heavy sofas. FIL commented that he moves the sofas every week when he is hoovering”. MIL cooks and does the laundry / ironing, FIL does all the cleaning and gardening. It’s always been that way.

FIL is 86 and MIL is 79. Age is not an excuse.

They are 65, but this has been going on for years.

OMG where do you live op? I am not much younger and know precisely no one who acts or thinks this way! All of my male friends cook and clean and looked after their children.

We are the people who grew up in the 60s and 70s. We came of age to The Sex Pistols and Blondie and drank and smoked and moved out of our parents houses and never looked back as soon as we turned 18. We travelled and worked hard and played hard in the 80s and had our children in the 90s and 00s, well after the vast majority were enlightened about everyday sexism. Your inlaws seem to be living in some kind of weird back water.

Also just remembered a dinner I went to, DH's friend was hosting and his mum was serving the food - everyone went up to her to get their plates. Instead of making up the same portion for everyone, or asking people how much they wanted, she was giving out "lady plates" and "boy plates" that respectively had tiny and huge portions on them.

I know recommended calorie intakes for women and men are different, but I just thought the whole thing was really weird.

YANBU at all. And YANBU to leave your DH to deal with them.

Your FIL in particular sound awful.

Tbh there was a bit of this on my Dad’s side of our family (his father was awful) and my Dad retained quite a bit of it, especially the “the men go to the pub and the women cook” side of things. It’s taken him until around now to move away from that kind of idea.

Mind you, my exh used to always complain about what my Dad was like in this respect, but then showed his true colours when we had kids and it turned out he also though all the hard stuff was for me to do as a woman.

My parents are the same, refer to “Lady Doctors” - it’s fine mum, you can just say “Doctor” and being astonished that my other half irons his own shirts.

Fair enough. Crap like that doesn’t bother me. I would laugh it off with my DH, but if it bothers you, perhaps ask your DH to have a word with them. They’re his parents after all.

Oh, and also, I'm obviously expected to sort ALL the Christmas and birthday presents and cards, including for his aunts/uncles, nieces, etc... If cards/presents are not on time or not (good) enough, for some reason it reflects badly on ME - not DH - even though it's his bloody family.

When I pulled away from ils it was truly life changing. Preferred staying home to blitz the house than sit drinking tea listening to them spouting crap.

Ugh I feel you OP. My ILs are exactly like this and it really gets on my nerves.

I grew up in a home where my dad more than his fair share of cooking, housework, and childcare, so it was a real shock to the system when I found out what ILs were like. To be honest, I hadn't encountered that level of sexism until I met them - not at home, not with friends, not with other partners, and not in the workplace.

It was a real "aha" moment for me - like, OMG, so THIS is the sexism everyone's been talking about, I finally get it! 😬I'd always been a feminist in theory but had never appreciated how bad it can be in real life!

Oh come on. It's nothing to go with their age. They are just sexist.

Well i find it odd you didn't know this before you got married if my inlaws were like this i would not have stayed with dh let alone married him

Back when I was married, my MIL called and asked to speak to ExDH. I said "I'll just get him, he's doing the washing up". MIL then asked "Why aren't you doing that?" I replied "Because I bloody cooked."

Sent ExDH to the phone with the words "Get your mother telt". To be fair, he did.