To have distanced myself from my in-laws because of their casual sexism?

YANBU, OP, not at all.

I've reduced contact with my ILs because of their racism and xenophobia. MIL is appalling, but my SIL and BIL are younger than me and just as bad.

Ouch! Yes, I’m absolutely reeling.

If my dad was still alive he'd be 95 now ... he was a stay at home dad in the 1970s. My mum struggled a bit with motherhood, whilst he adored being a dad.

It's not age OP, it's just weird sexist beliefs.

Good for you. I hope you are very happy.

But make sure that your kids understand that you don’t agree with their views and why you find them problematic. You don’t want them to be overly influenced by such views. So dangerous for little girls in particular to be taught that they come second and must accede to male wishes.

I’ve encountered some similar issues with racism. I chose not to sever all contact but to make sure my kids understood why I found it unacceptable and why I’d like to see them think differently/ do better.

It would be a better world for women if misogyny was treated as seriously as racism.

This os so mad to me! This "modern" world was literally created by mine and the OP's PiL's generation! I'm older than them, I did not change my name on marriage, have always shared all domestic taks with equally ancient DH, etc.

These two are still of working age - how have they managed to be such 🦖 🦖 🦕 🦕?

I'm 65. I think they are small minded and ignorant more than purposefully sexist.

I remember my grandmother being horrified that my husband cleaned baby sick out of the carpet while I cleaned up the baby- she offered to do it herself so that the man of the house didn’t have to clean (we both refused her offer).

In our family , the ingrained sexism (and racism, and ableism) tends to come from FIL. I argue, with evidence.

No, not obvious at all. You weren't gardening. You were cleaning the house and taking things to the tip. So they turned up and offered to help clean the house and take things to the tip! I fail to see how this fits into wanting to distance yourself from them because of sexism.

Given their relatively young age (for such archaic opinions) I assume your IL's are very working class OP?

I reacted in the most spectacular fashion when, at a BBQ, DH’s nephew punched his sister, who then cried and wouldn’t play with him, only for MiL to then respond with cuddles for nephew, saying “oh, what has that mean little girl done? He’s just doing what little boys do!” Lost. My. Shit.

She’s also one for telling DH to not get up to clear the table as he’s worked all day and “us girls will do it”. I remain firmly planted in my chair with steam coming out of my ears. She’s 63.

I think the reason these MILs find it hard to stomach is because they've taken such pride in martyring themselves, acting like a household provider in some ways, only to be visually confronted with fact that it was all for nothing. Their husbands expected it and their DILs and sons reject it because it wasn't the meaningful offering they thought it was.

I'm completely on the same page, that it's outdated nonsense, but I think that's why they dig in, because if they don't then they may realise that their life's work wasn't actually perceived as important and that must sting.

It's fine to distance yourself, leave your DH to it, and feel no guilt, but it is also possible to change the dynamic by just not complying with any of their gendered expectations. It will be challenging for a while but they will eventually get the message. They won't change - because it will threaten their identity - but they will learn to stop expecting you to do stuff.

It’s a good idea to distance yourself. It will benefit everybody. You won’t have to deal with people who have ideas from a different era than you, which will make you much more comfy, and your children won’t have to be aware of an older generation and get a wider understanding of people and their variability. Also it will allow your in laws to feel confused and upset and judged by family as not worthy, which will be great for them to ponder as they age further. All round a Winning tactic is to judge and reject others.

My Dad would have been 97 this year. He and Mum, who would have been 94, shared everything. Mum worked full time until she retired and both did housework, cooking and looking after us. I don't think it's an age thing, especially at 65.

This.

I know people in their 40s like this so I don’t think it’s age, just attitudes. Boils my blood.

When dh and I were buying our first home and moving out of our rental. We were sorting out and doing tip runs and packing. Mil and Fil turned up unannounced to ‘help’, mil turned up with a bag of cleaning products and announced she’d come to help me to clean the property and that fil would take fb to the tip. Even though we’d not asked for any help or given any indication that I’d be cleaning alone.

The bastards! Imagine the cheek of trying to help at a stressful, busy time.

If they were in their 80s, I’d say it was a generational thing and try not to let it wind you up - but your PIL are five years older than me. We’re Generation X FFS, not from the distant 1950s. Tell them your DH will go and help do the food while you stay in the pub.

That would drive me around the bend. It's a really tough situation for you and I can see how you wouldn't want your children to think this is normal for dh and the men to be sitting on their asses