AIBU to send a message to the man who killed my aunt?

Please do not suggest this OP writes to driver, just awful advice, it’s been two years, let the poor man move on, beyond selfish.

If this is true you are not making yourself come across very well.

Exactly.

I agree with the PP who mentioned main character syndrome with a little bit of “grief porn” thrown in, tbh your OP rather unsettling to read. This is a distant relative on another continent with whom you had a fleeting acquaintance in the grand scheme of things. People die horribly every day. It’s terribly sad, but we keep going and don’t dredge up awful memories for people we barely know, particularly when they want no contact with us. (Why is that, OP?)

I write this as someone whose estranged father committed suicide in a gruesome way: I requested the autopsy report from the police, read it, grieved appropriately and privately, then moved the fuck on asap.

On balance, I'd contact the haulage company, because it may help, but not be completely anonymous or mention suicide.....maybe just say you are a relative of one of the women, and make clear that if they are in any way concerned, they should just destroy the note and not pass it on. You have no way of knowing what relationship the management has with that driver. Its also not clear whether he is even still employed by the company. I certainly wouldn't give any kind of address or other contact details.

Don't do it. You're making yourself responsible for how the driver may or may not feel and making big assumptions about what he might feel. Focus on your own feelings about this loss which might have been made messier by the fact that the family has not responded to you. I feel for you, it might have been comforting to have contact with the relatives of your aunt but it isn't to be.

I 100% understand where you’re coming from.

My FIL died in a crash in 2023, also involving a lorry. The lorry driver was entirely blameless, poor man was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Horrendous situation all round, and was obviously a life-alternating event for the lorry driver.

We have his name from the accident and inquest reports, but have opted not to contact him. I don’t think it would be fair to burden him more, and given the impact the accident has likely had on his life and work, I can’t imagine he’d want to revisit it.
I hope he’s getting on with his life, but he owes us nothing.

So, in your shoes, I wouldn’t reach out to the lorry driver. He’ll have had updates through his legal team and know that he wasn’t responsible. It’s not your place to approach him.

Why? None of them wanted to know you. Why would you want to reopen old wounds like this? You're coming across as a huge troublemaker.

An aunt by marriage, her family don’t speak to you, yet you seem determined to insert yourself in to this.
Main character syndrome for sure, ‘i’m travelling will read but not respond’ catch yourself
on.
Keep your nose out and leave people alone, it is quite literally none of your business.

🤣🤣🤣
No! Old timer but this is really really strange

Given that you describe him in the title of your post as the man who killed your aunt, and further on you state very clearly, that he caused the deaths of two people, I cannot help but wonder if any message you send would be as supportive as you suggest.

I would leave the poor man alone. If you're truly grieving for this lady, who was not actually a close relative, do it without causing more upset to the lorry driver, who had a very traumatic experience, caused by your aunt's actions. Any suggestion that you forgive him is the same as blaming him.

Let it be.

You just signed up today?

This is one of the things weirdest threads I've ever read on here

One million percent this ☝

I'm someone whose relative died in a car crash and then another relative kept working away at it for years.

Please do not do this. You are likely to be causing a lot of upset.

If you need to talk about your aunt then bereavement therapy can be very helpful. Your therapist may be able to suggest strategies that don't involve contacting people who are likely to have more substantial traumas to process than you do.

Can I echo the PP who mentioned Circles of Grief. Please read up on this OP as it will guide you to a more appropriate frame of mind.

I think this was very shocking but you have repeatedly inserted yourself inappropriately into someone else's grief and troubled those with greater grief than you. Reading this will help you see why this wrong. I can't believe you asked for the crash report. It is not your business. Had it been your mother or sibling or child yes, it would be fine. But this is an aunt by marriage. Your job is to support those closer to her in their grief, not centre yourself.

@IcyJoMarch what would you hope to get out of passing a message on to the driver?

I’ve worked with drivers who’ve been involved in fatal accidents. It is awful for them. I do appreciate that it is tough for you too.
Even if you do make contact, they won’t be able to respond, you’ll probably leave them with more questions than they already have.
I suggest you leave them alone, as messages whether anonymous or not will rarely improve anything.

Why are you trying to make this about you?

You've contacted her family who don’t want to respond. Tried to get information out of her lawyer. Read the crash report and now want to contact the poor lorry driver to tell him that YOU forgive him?

Bit weird. Why would he care if you forgive him. He doesn’t know who you are.

In a way I kind of understand. I had a friend who died in a car accident with a lorry. It was a long time ago now but at the time I desperately wanted to know more about it to try and make sense of what happened and did dwell on the details for a while. Like in your Aunts case it seemed like a very unavoidable situation for the lorry driver, my friend was only 19 and was an inexperienced driver but even so her actions that day left a lot of questions unanswered.

It's a horrible tragic thing and our minds do try and make sense of sudden deaths and losses but and I don't mean this to sound harsh this is your burden not the lorry drivers. He has to and maybe has already come to terms with it in his own way and you have to in yours. Leave him in peace, it sounds like an awful situation for him and it's not fair to bring that back for him uninvited.

I think you need to let this go. Contacting this man will only bring back the incident for him. For all you know he could have needed extensive therapy. It's 2 years down the road, and not appropriate to start digging up painful memories.

I understand your need for answers, and closure but you're going to need to accept you may never find out the truth.

I am really confused about how people are defining the distance between OP and her Aunt. She clearly loved her Aunt very much. Her place in the family tree, and where they lived when she died, doesn't really matter if they were close emotionally in life does it? The idea of 'rings of grief' seems very rooted in a nuclear family with rules around who is allowed to feel what, but life and emotions are more complicated than a diagram

All this to say OP it is clear you are grieving your Aunt and I am sorry for your loss. I can see how doing this might bring you some closure, but the effect it could have on the man involved in the accident is unpredictable. Let's say he gets in touch and tells you he has had no support. Are you going to be the talking therapy he needs? Are you going to pay for him to access it? There is a huge risk you re-open this all and leave him undone with no way to do himself back up. I would focus on ways to help yourself find closure. Maybe have a little personal memorial just for you in a place you enjoyed with your Aunt, say everything that was unsaid, and celebrate her life.

I'm wondering if the deceased's family have got wind that the OP thinks their sister deliberately killed her best friend.

And that this is why they've gone NC with her.

Really, I am wondering if this was a deliberate suicide attempt on her part.

Highly unlikely. People who decide to take other people with them are in an extreme minority. It's weird to me that this is something that would even cross your mind as a possibility unless there is some backstory about your aunt-by-marriage being unpardonably selfish as a rule.

Anyway, don't try to contact the man. You don't know the full circumstances and it's not your place as a distant relative living leagues away to exonerate a complete stranger. At the very least, this could bring up traumatic memories for him - he is the one living with this everyday.

Find a way to make peace with the fact that she is gone and the information you do have.

Just no. No good will come out of it.