Teacher gave us SNAP-IV form out of the blue - AIBU?

Being angry at a teacher who is suggesting help for your child seems like an inappropriate reaction.

the adjustments my son gets are

prompts when day dreaming, rather than being treated as if he’s naughty and not paying attention

regularly reminders to complete work and check-ins to make sure he’s on top of things - again rather than treating him as lazy and forgetful

breaks during class and during exams - he’s doesn’t get or need extra time overall but needs time adjustments to help with focus

he’s recently started on medication which helps him to focus during the day

they’ve helped source particular study and revision aids which are tailored towards adhd learning styles to help with his exams

at home we are working on routines to help mitigate against time blindness (being late and disorganised) and lack of object permanence (loosing stuff all the time)

hes applied for university and there’s loads of support available for him there including a free laptop amongst other things

you can still be splendidly performing academically (my son is) whilst struggling with adhd

You are very lucky.

My son has ADHD but school didn’t take it seriously because he wasn’t physically lashing out at his peers or teacher. I had to pay privately.

Having ADHD doesn’t mean having issues academically either but time limits become more important as she gets older (secondary) because of exams and there will be expectations to organise herself too eg get up in the morning on her own, bringing the right equipment to lessons. I’m not saying that she has ADHD but if she does, it will be good to have the support and understanding why she can’t focus as well as her peers. No diagnosis as a teen could mean people think she’s lazy or being difficult

If she actually has ADHD, telling her to just refocus is like telling someone with no legs to just walk.

Those of us with ADHD are not naughty or intentionally not doing things. We know we need to focus sometimes. Knowing that is not enough.

We are often focused on something much more complicated because it's more interesting.

Someone with ADHD doesn't need to be told to focus. They need help with task initiation.

Absolutely well said.

My daughter was slow to start her work because she was thoughtful ( her teachers commented she was slow to settle and start). She ended up with all A grades at GCSE and A levels and a first at a Russell university.

TBH, @primmy713 , your posts made me angry. I think you're lucky DD's teacher cares.

I was (and still am) an overachiever. I have never got a B for anything academic in my life and have on occasion been told I've had the top marks in the country. I am not an idiot and I don't have a learning disability either.

However, as a girl/woman, I spent my whole life masking my ADHD traits to fit in. I didn't even realise. Because this is what girls do.

We are socially conditioned at a young age to be nice, be kind, look pretty and not make a fuss. Those of us with ADHD have to hide so much to fit in, and when we don't know that's what we're doing... it's exhausting.

I made it into my middle age without having a single adjustment for me.

I thought I was going through menopause on account of how ruddy tired I was all the time. It was actually just exhaustion after decades of pretending to be normal without even realising I had been doing that.

You're getting hung up on medication.

An ADHD diagnosis isn't about medication. It's about self-awareness and the gift of stopping hating yourself for all the things you cover up.

I feel quite tearful thinking about how my life could have been different if I'd known at your DD's age. ADHD means I struggle to regulate my emotions. You only know how your posts have affected me as I've told you. No one ever gave me a grade for being in control of my emotions and thoughts - no one knew how hard it was.

Believe me, those of us who are academically gifted can benefit from a diagnosis for reasons that have nothing to do with our abilities to study or work. And we're not going to tell our nearest and dearest what emotional messes we are if we don't have permission (a diagnosis) to not be perfect at everything.

I don't take medication for my mood - I just know why I feel this way, and it lets me calm down. In the time I've taken to write this, I feel better. Pre-diagnosis, I would still be processing those strong emotions and I'd be snapping at people all day. And I'm not going to apologise to anyone - including myself - for what I know was a disproportionate emotional response. I just accept this is what my brain does, and that's okay, because I am brilliant at so many other things.

God. Imagine how much less angst-ridden I would have been as a teen if I'd known that.

I have ADHD. It presents with procrastination followed by periods of intense deep thinking. At uni I often completed 10-20k word assignments the night before and got close to 100%. I never struggled with academics only with procrastination & it fucked up my work and personal life until I was diagnosed through work.

Keep an open mind.

I don’t think you’re unjustified to feel as you do.. the scores are good and you know her. I’d probably have a meeting with the teacher to discuss further. I don’t think not being able to sit in a seat as a child means you have ADHD…I think it’s a bit insane the teacher has gone with ADHD or a diagnosis etc for the reasons you’ve mentioned. I’d probably put in place a reward system for her concentration/ reports etc.

From the information you have put in your subsequent posts OP, you could be describing me as a child. I was a very avid reader outside of school, but less so i. I was also categorised as a naughty child as I was very high energy and talked a lot. I was put on a 'naughty row' at school which was all boys and i was the only girl, I got teased a lot because of it. It was a real stigma which stayed with me for a very long time. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 48, and not having a diagnosis (it didnt really exist back then) has caused issues, mainly relationship and social anxiety, but i can look back and see I wasnt naughty, but the experience made me very fearful of failure and mistrustful of people. I was a high functioning child, and I have a high level role now, but felt 'different' and masked that for a very long time as an adult sure to early experiences. It sounds like the teacher handled it a bit clumsily, however having a diagnosis is a good thing. If it turns out she isn't ADHD, then you can go back to the school on learning points for the future. If she is though, it may be there are no adaptions needed now, but will be in the future. Above all, it is helpful to know you need ways to 'control' your ADHD, which for me is not medication, but structure and support.

OP I can see why you’re upset, but equally I think you should be pleased that issues are being looked at early. The waiting list for ADHD assessment is several years. If she was referred now, she’ll probably be in year 9 when her appointment comes through. By that time, if her problems have all resolved with maturity, you can cancel the appointment. And if not, you can have the assessment. And even if she’s given a diagnosis of ADHD, there’s no obligation to have medication. Trust me, there are many kids embarking on GCSE courses and struggling with focus, for whom it is too late to get a diagnosis.

I would say some of the brightest people I’ve known, and some of the most creative, have been neurodivergent in one way or another (and some were totally neurotypical).

I think OP may be struggling because the people she’s talked to so far have all treated this like 1. a problem with her daughter and 2. one that needs to be solved with medication. That would make a lot of parents defensive, I would think? And like many of us, OP has probably seen some of the “bad press” about ADHD, which does often make it look like it’s tied to intelligence, when it isn’t at all.

I hope some of the comments have helped you, @primmy713 , because of course we would all get defensive if someone said something was “wrong” with our child, and I feel like maybe I’m reading this wrong, but OP is reacting to that “it’s wrong! Your daughter is broken! She needs meds!” vibe, and not the actual idea of ADD or ADHD, that she’s getting from the teacher (perhaps this negativity is part of why OP isn’t a fan of this teacher?) and SEND coordinator. I mean, sure, I don’t recommend this “ADHD is a superpower” horseshit, BUT I also could not disagree more that it means someone is “broken” or “less than.” I could be wrong and totally reaching here, though.

Very, very best of luck navigating this, OP. If you have any questions about how my ADD manifested at your daughter’s age, please PM me.

Imagine the teacher hadn't flagged it up. Fast forward 10 years and your daughter gets diagnosed with ADHD. Think of the trouble this teacher could've saved your child and say thank you to her for trying to help your child.

"Her past teachers who told us sometimes she would day dream a bit, I would flat out ask them if they though[t] she had ADHD and they said no."

So you didn't ask this teacher then and are getting antsy when she has made the suggestion proactively? That makes zero sense. I think you have a bee in your bonnet about this teacher and it could be to the detriment of your daughter.

As a late diagnosed adult with adhd I’d really encourage you to persue a full assessment for your daughter, even if you feel it will come back as she doesn’t have it.
As others have said it’s incredibly hard to get referred and waiting lists are crazy long. It’s much better to get in as early as possible if there’s a chance she does have adhd.
If you have adhd elsewhere in your family that will increase the chances that she does have it too - after all it’s genetic.
You may find that at this age your dd can cope/mask enough, but as her workload increases and demands for independence grow as she gets through teenage years and into adulthood she may really struggle more.
Dont be scared of potential medication too, it’s literally just boosting the chemicals that are lacking, but could be life changing for her.

You emphasise a lot in you post about how academically able you daughter is. Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you are not bright or struggle academically. I’m a teacher and some of the cleverest pupils I’ve taught have been autistic or have ADHD.

It sounds like the teacher is trying to help your daughter, she’s not saying she isn’t clever. Perhaps you have misconceptions around neurodivergence. It isn’t a negative thing.

We are definitely up for seeing how we can help, but as the SEND teacher told us - because she hasn't scored enough points for an assesment based on the teachers results and our results- there's not much we can do unless we go private. And our GP said the same, she wouldn't put her forward for more assesments either.

You clearly don't want her to have a diagnosis though, so you are going to mark as low as possible.

A few things based on your GP visit.

GPs are actively refusing ADHD assessment for almost all children now. They refused our DC. Yet our child ended up with a 99% ADHD profile. A blind man on a galloping horse could have spotted their ADHD 😂. (This in addition to being on the 97 percentile for intelligence. So ADHD definitely does not = dim.)

A diagnosis does not mean you HAVE to medicate. It means that if in the future you want provision made for your child (extra exam time, a quieter less disruptive setting, additional support OR possibly medication) you already have the diagnosis to back it up. The whole process takes ages, so doing in urgency/time of need won't work.

I really don't understand your anger at a teacher flagging an issue. MOST parents of children with a suspected SEN would welcome the vigilance of the teacher. She isn't inventing an issue where there isn't one. She's just reporting what she sees. Which is much better than most schools do.

Yes, I'm aware some teachers suit our children better than others. Our DC's teacher last year understood our DC beautifully. This year's teacher doesn't. It's how it is.

one of the things that jumped out at me, is she can’t access adhd support as you’ve only marked her as 7? There is obviously unmet need so how are they going to support?

The transition to secondary is brutal for lots of ND kids, my advice is to get on it now. Trial and error of what works, she doesn’t need a diagnosis to access support.

Primary schools are really bad at offering support and will Mostly deny unless a child is really disruptive, your teacher will have come across 100’s of kids… it’s unlikely she is wrong. I missed loads of signs my oldest was ND as she was my first and it was ‘normal’ to me.

Both my ADHD kids are smart. There brains are wired differently, they have different needs, process info in different ways. One can sit quietly, (but she isn’t listening after 2 mins) and one cannot…

We are expecting children to sit and focus for long periods of time. We know very clearly from research this is not right and unfortunately sometimes children who don’t sit and focus for long periods of time, are labelled. If it is not having an impact on her life, I would just leave it as it is.

I think this is what makes it so difficult; like I said, you sound like a caring and involved parent and it’s obvious you pay attention to how she’s doing when she’s at home. The important bit: it isn’t about how she focuses on things she WANTS to do. It’s about how she focuses on things she NEEDS to do. Because trust me, I would read books I liked and watch TV endlessly with no problems. But then when I had a book that was assigned for school… it felt like trudging through mud, even though I could read for pleasure all day long.

VERY classic example: I failed tests in English (my grandparents were SHOCKED because I’m such an avid reader) because I didn’t read Lord of the Rings when it was assigned and couldn’t answer quiz questions like, “What was the name of Frodo’s pony?” Three years later, I got ill at 17 and was stuck at home, I read LOTR in about two days and it’s now one of my favourite series of books.

I think it might help you to think of it as ADD that your daughter might have and not ADHD, because the focus is too often on the hyperactivity, which girls do not display nearly as much as boys, versus the “attention deficit” which is often what I see in girls described as “daydreamers,” or when someone says, “But they can focus easily on X!” This will allow her to access the support she might need (extra time for exams, IF she needs it - just knowing that she has it in case she needs it may help her on exams). This may actually be a lot of help to you, because it will empower you to get her help without medication.

The problem with medication is this: it’s designed to treat ADHD, not ADD. It’s literally methamphetamine salts, which are very useful when someone has ADHD, because it works the “opposite” way it would work in someone with normal brain chemistry - instead of making them hyperactive, it soothes the hyperactivity. But if she’s only got some slight deficits in attention, then medication shouldn’t be recommended (though yes! Some will still recommend it) - she’d be like someone taking methamphetamine salts who didn’t need them, and I think you might notice a lot more hyperactivity. I would say maybe 85% of the people I know who have ADD and tried medication soon stopped it. Everyone I know who has genuine ADHD, it’s helped. So I think it’s really tough to make that decision.

And it sounds like your SEND coordinator may not be the right person. Maybe, if possible, get your daughter assessed privately with the understanding that you suspect ADD but feel pushed to medicate for ADHD, and need some guidance based on their assessment.

Also, I’m aware that some sources use ADD and ADHD interchangeably, or believe all ADD is actually ADHD, but I and the lived experience of my group of friends who have shared some of their medical history with me (so maybe 50 people? A very small sample, but these are all people in their late 30s to early 40s so have the advantage of time) show to me at least that ADD and ADHD can be very different and need to be treated differently.

Girls can present differently to boys and sometimes it's not until Secondary that things become clearer. Hormones can also have an impact. There is ADHD in the family so not necessarily a stretch that your DD may also.

You are extraordinarily lucky and should be thanking that teacher. What a wonderful, proactive teacher she is. Many parents have to fight tooth and nail to even be considered for a diagnosis for their dc, let alone get support for their child. In your position and having a DS with adhd myself and knowing what I know, I would be thanking her and working with her to help my dc.

As soon as I started reading your thread it was clear to me that your DD is showing signs of ADHD. Like others have said, I’m not sure why you’re so angry. You seem to equate ADHD with poor test results, which isn’t what this is all about. It’s about how your DDs behaviour is impacting her own ability to perform at her best and the disruption she’s causing to other students around her.

if I was in your position I’d be taking any support that was being offered. Also, you do realise that your DD behaves differently when you’re not around? So there should be no surprise that the teachers scores were different to yours.

Your DD will soon be going to secondary school where it can become really tough for ADHD kids. Getting strategies in place now will help her and you navigate the difficult teenage years which are even more difficult for SEND kids.