AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

My kids are now teens and I can remember taking and then picking up after when it is a house party . The only time I stayed with an extra child in tow is it the party mum was a friend and I was helping .
Look upon it as giving your child a lesson on independence .

It’s really understandable to feel as you do. Old issues coupled with normal parental concerns mean it’s a bit harder for you than most parents. I had a similar situation as a foster carer- twin dc, first party with people I didn’t know and enhanced supervision requirements meant they couldn’t go. Over time you’ll know the group better and feel more comfortable with leaving them. There will be parents that you get on well with who’ll step up for your dc, if you can’t be there.

From the hosts point of view, this is a weird age. Some parents assume they’ll drop and go, others assume they’ll stay. I well remember the first party I did where most parents just up and left leaving me very under staffed 😁

From your point of view, yes I’d be worried to leave my yr R child alone at someone’s house. If they fell over and hurt themselves, had a toilet accident because they were too excited to go etc etc

From the party Mums point of view, if I was holding a party in my house, I would only have the space for one adult to attend with each child. If you say yes to one, you kind of have to say yes to others. If 5 invited kids all bought a buggy and a sibling with them, I wouldn’t have the space in my house. It’s a straight no. If it’s my child’s birthday, which I’ve spent time and effort on, I would also be quite protective of the atmosphere of the party changing with a 2 year old present and not wanting that.

It sounds cheeky that you replied saying you'll gave toddler in tow. You should have asked would that be ok and if she said yes fine but if she said no then politely decline invite. I

Well, things have though, haven’t they? I mean, when I was seven or eight I was walking to school alone but that obviously isn’t standard now!

Thinking on from my last comment. My eldest is in his 20s and at his 5th party at home, full class of kids invited I think less than a quarter of mums stayed.

I'm not sure what has changed over the years. If it's because my 7 year olds cohort were all covid lockdown toddlers and are clingier, or if it's us parents that see more about CSA on social media and are more cautious, I'm not sure what has shifted, maybe a bit of both but like I say I don't think it would be unusual for you or your child to want you to stay. It's the extra younger sibling being announced to be coming along that's poor form.

we always stayed for the reception year
paritr. From year 2 onwards it was drop and go

but it’s at hwr house, presumably he will ok. It wouldnt be right to bring a toddler to a small party at the house.

You were rude to tell her and not ask her. In this situation I would ask a mum I knew of one of the other children if she would keep an eye on your child as well.

Not everyone has room in their house for a kids party plus a parent with a toddler in a pram. And you thinking the toddler will go to sleep with excited 5 year olds running around … likely the toddler will want to join in.

Rather than telling her you’d be bringing a toddler, you should have asked.
I’d have thought you quite rude if I’m honest.

To be honest I wouldn't want your child there with the.kind of attitude that you have. I think it is very insulting. Probably best all round if you decline the invitation.

The main thing that stands out to me is that you didn't ask, you told her you'd be bringing your toddler to a party in her home that toddler wasn't invited to. That is very rude!

The staying at a party I don't think is unreasonable. My youngest is 7 and they are in his class not even 50/50 yet of parents staying/going at parties. Most of us seem to have the consensus it's when the child is ready but we wouldn't jsut assume siblings can come too!

If you aren't happy with leaving him in a class mate's home at age 5 that is completely your choice. And one I also agree with tbh. But YANBU with the text you sent.

Honestly, if you don’t feel comfortable with the plans for the party, you don’t need to barge in, toddler on tow to ensure you or your child can relax, are safe or whatever. You just say “Thank you, Johnny feels a bit anxious attending on his own so we wish Tommy a great day”. If they say feel “free to stay with him”, fine. If not, you have declined already.

What I find incredibly rude was you just announcing you will be staying and bringing a toddler on tow as if it was absolutely ok. It is not, having a young child around changes the dynamics of the group and the activity, whether you are attending a children’s birthday party or meeting friends for a meal.

YANBU to decline, I work in criminal justice and am also quite vigilant about such things, sadly it's more common than most people are aware of.

I'd not be too worried about CSA at a birthday party though, especially if other adults ar me present. I'd still have declined a drop off party at that age though as DS wouldn't have been comfortable being left (which is perfectly normal, not all 5 year olds are as independent as many MNetters would have you believe!).

You were a bit rude to say you'd be bringing a 2 year old though, you should've politely asked if it was ok rather than just saying it like it was a done deal. Parties at people's homes are usually tight on space, and a 2 year old roaming around would definitely impact on the party (the host wouldn't know your DC would be napping) and be a pain in the proverbial.

They don’t have room for you. If you don’t like that then you decline.

but it’s completely normal where I live for kids to be dropped at parties from P1 (age 5 ish).

You told the mum rather than ask to bring the 2yo, so that probably got her back up as well. Unless she has a massive house, what if all parents bought their other kids.

You can ask (not telling them) about bringing your younger child and staying. They've said no, so them you'll have to decline the invitation. No way would I leave my young child alone with strangers!

The chances of something happening to a 5 year old at a birthday party is infinitesimally tiny, to the point of probably never having one documented case in legal history. It's basically like saying you witnessed a car accident once and now refuse to drive because that could happen to anyone.

Agree that the other mum handled it very gracefully. In her shoes, I wouldn't be that pleased if someone I didn't know at all had to bring a toddler due to lack of childcare but would attempt to accommodate it. However if I knew the main motive was because she didn't trust that her child would get abused at my party then I would probably blacklist her forever.

The main reason I stayed at parties was solely because I felt DD may have been too young and it also takes some of the childcare stress off the host. Stuff like serving drinks, plating food, taking to the toilet etc. The space and routine is entirely different to school so it could be overwhelming for a small child to navigate a stranger's home or speak up if they need something.

I wouldn’t be leaving my child unattended at someone’s home at five, tbh. It isn’t because I think everyone is a potential predator, it’s more that I can imagine he’d get over excited and silly and I wouldn’t want him to be someone else’s responsibility in that sense.

Yes exactly this. At every single 5th bday party we went to, at least one child ALWAYS ended up getting hurt due to the sheer lunacy of sugar fuelled kids running around a tiny space. It was usually boys but girls have also sometimes tripped and bumped their head or cut their leg. At that age every party descends into chaos where all the children are chasing around trying to smash each other with balloons. At least when I'm there, I can actively stop DD from joining the worst of it.

The host mum isn’t expecting you to drop off so much as telling you politely that despite your somewhat rude message telling her that they’ll just be coming, your toddler isn’t actually welcome. If you’re not comfortable with a drop off (fair enough in reception) then just politely decline and wish the birthday child a happy birthday.

Yes exactly this.

I wouldn’t be leaving my child unattended at someone’s home at five, tbh. It isn’t because I think everyone is a potential predator, it’s more that I can imagine he’d get over excited and silly and I wouldn’t want him to be someone else’s responsibility in that sense.

I agree it would be best to ask not tell but siblings do attend parties in my neck of the woods, not as guests but as extra paid attendees. Parties at home are a bit difficult in that respect, so I guess all you can do is explain you can’t make it. I do think the mum is being very inflexible though.

I have declined invitations as a single parent of 3, as my children were too young at 4 to be left, and every other parent stayed. Just the space that a sibling takes up isn’t appropriate - hugely unlikely they can accomodate your pram.

The issue of CSA didn’t cross my mind - and I have worked in child protection for ten years, in a much closer role than you. Please seek therapy. Your response isn’t typical for those in the sector and so you will need help through it, especially as your children grow older.

Edited to add: I would also not ignore your gut instincts. Hopefully therapy can adjust your gut but ultimately, if your gut is saying no, I wouldn’t ignore it - there will be plenty of situations that you assess as unsafe which others do not. It’s not to say they’re right!

You may need to work through this, but please don’t let strangers on a thread tell you that you are strange, paranoid or hyper vigilant for not leaving your 4yo in a house full of unknown adults and children.

It seems to depend on the school and area as to whether drop off is expected and reception is quite borderline in my experience, with it being very common to stay. So she might well be expecting some parents but has been really clear she doesn’t want a 2yo there.

if you think your child will be ok staying on their own (you could always specifically ask another parent staying to keep an eye on him) then do that, otherwise sadly you’ll have to decline