AIBU to want to stay with my child at a birthday party?

@Thechaseison71 When the parent lets go. They don’t trust other parents. It’s somewhat irrational but they don’t care much about dc being ready or not, they just want parental control. It’s highly likely nothing will go wrong because parties are inevitably with school friends. They know the children and the dc presumably goes to school all day on his own. There’s little logic here when it comes to parties; just unfounded worries.

You leave the 5 year old there and go home with 2 year old. At 5 they're fine to be left. Don't let your son miss out on fun childhood activities because of your heightened anxiety.

How do gets become " ready" then? I

What will happen when it's youngest child turn to attend parties if you are there with them? What do you do with your elder one who may be 8 or 9

In your situation I'd reply 'Sorry, I didn't realise it's a drop and go party. Freddy isn't quite ready for that yet so he can't make it but I hope Johnny has a fab day x'

If it's a home party with not much space it's probable that all the parents are being asked to drop and go, so I wouldn't make any mention of your other DC in your reply so it doesn't come across as you asking them to change their mind.

I was surprised at a recent party that people were dropping and leaving their 5 year olds but mainly because mine isn't ready/i wouldn't have expected my friend who was hosting to be dealing with other kids on top of everything else. I'm glad i know now so can prepare for my child's party better but i don't think it's unusual to want to stay with your child at that age.

My kids are 13 and 9 so still party age for my younger one. We’ve had a few years of outside parties just to keep it easy but he’s asked for a home party this year. Sleepover so just 5 of them and there certainly won’t be any other parents around. In fact I think my husband is going out that evening himself so will just be me.

My daughter was super timid at that age (turns out she’s autistic and has sensory challenges) so I stayed when I could (soft play etc) and said no thank you when it would be awkward and that was fine too. I certainly didn’t rock up with my son and expect to be invited in!

This was exactly what most parties were when my kids were young. Soft play parties and such just weren't a thing, and the idea of spending so much money on a party wasn't a thing either. So parties were at home and were drop offs. And we never had any issues with kids behaviour.

@LittleMyLabyrinth I’d not accept invitations in that case. He’s not mature enough. Most parties are with school friends and don’t have older dc there. If dc cannot manage 2 hours away and he’s not joining in, avoid for the time being. Parties are not obligatory and hosts can say yes or no to parents hovering and other dc.

In my neck of the woods, five is the transition age. Most parents drop and go, but it the child (or parent) is particularly anxious the parent stays.

It's no help this time, but I would try and get to know the other mums better. There are going to be a lot more parties and playdates to navigate over the years and if you can get to know and trust some of the other parents it will make things a lot more easy for you.

I wouldn't leave a 5 year old at a party either x. But I do think you should've asked about the toddler coming along rather than told.

My DC are at secondary now, but I had annual big birthday parties for them all through primary years, starting in reception.
I am pretty easygoing by nature, but I would have been really pissed off by your text.
"I'll have 2 year old in tow..."
Errr......no you won't, cos they're not invited!
Such a rude assumption to make, that the host will welcome your 2 your old in to her home and join in with her DC's party.
Of course a 2 year old is going to want to climb out of their buggy and run around joining in with the play and the party games with a load of 4 to 5 year olds!
Host knows that.
Presumably her DC, whose birthday party it is, doesn't even know your 2 year old so why would you make that child have to accept your 2 year old at their party?
Also why would you presume it's ok for you to plan on taking your toddler's buggy into her house and parking it in a room where it will be completely in the way of her having a house full of 4 - 5 year olds running around!
Honestly you have been rude and presumptuous to the host on so many levels.
I admire her direct response to you.

I think regardless of your background the mum is being very clear: drop off or decline. There isn't a middle ground so upu need to make a decision.

If partys only 2 hours long and your dc wants to go let dc attend. 2 hours isn't too long though I do understand your concerns .tricky one

It's a general term for being able to speak up for what you need. So if something/someone made him uncomfortable, something upsetting or dangerous happened, he got hurt, or he needed something/help with something, would he feel confident speaking up for himself with strange adults? I've been to a party where a bigger kid was pushing him around. Nobody else noticed because only my eye was on my kid. When he was littler (4 or 5) I've been to parties where he just got too distressed/overwhelmed and asked to go home. Bottom line is I want to be there for him regardless.

Agree. It's very presumptious to assume its ok for 2 year old to come.

@ThatWorthyMooseI don’t think you are being unreasonable not wanting to leave them. I live in a small village and generally know the parents pretty well and most other children at parties. I sometimes drop and go, but am definitely in the minority and do get a bit of Mum guilt for doing so!
In our group it’s pretty much accepted that babies and young toddlers attend, but don’t expect food/party bags/extras etc, unless at a paid for venue. That said there is always food leftover for little ones and parents!

I think the key thing is that you told the other parent you were coming and bringing another child. You didn't ask. You assumed parents would be staying. But didn't ask. Either you're happy to leave you son for a couple of hours or you're not, but if you're not then you should let the other parent know he's not going to attend.

I have an almost 2 year old and there is no way she’d be sleeping with a party going on. She’d want to be right in the thick of it and it would be a nightmare for me to keep her away from the toys and food. I would only take her if she was invited so she was welcome to play/eat and not a nuisance

I think this is one of those "firsts" where you feel worried .Due to your background you are super concerned .But unless he misses all parties until 18 it will be difficult! Maybe take toddler for a walk as PP said up thread .Just settle him in and maybe arrive in good time for collection.

You know the host may have already declined others having siblings, you never know about logistics.

Honestly though, if you aren't comfortable letting your child go to play dates alone yet, then it's best you decline parties you can't attend yourself, for now.

You have been through a lot, maybe you could work on your own therapy by focussing on how to teach your 5 year old to be safe(r). Life happens and you never know who may cross a childs path, so you have to arm them now.

My 10yr old DC was touched inappropriately by a school friend, she came home and told me straight away. She knew I wouldn't panic or be anxious, she just knew I would help her sort it. Unfortunately I did have to change her school and now am working on her understanding that the circumstances led us to this choice, nothing she did wrong. Parenting is a minefield, you have to give them space to grow with confidence that you have their back. That doesn't mean you have to let them go to places you are uncomfortable with, ever. It means you take baby steps. Good luck

My then 5 year old was dropped off at that kind of party 2.5 years ago.

I agree, I’m going to a party at the weekend and have a 6 month old baby who will
literally be strapped to me in a carrier for the duration, they definitely won’t be joining in and I still asked the host if they are okay with my bringing the baby. She was as she has a baby herself but if she said no, I wouldn’t have been bothered one bit.

Well you have two choices really. Let your son go and pick him up when it’s finished, or decline the invite.

The 2 year old isn’t invited. You say they will ‘probably’ be asleep. Chances are at a party they aren’t going to be and then it puts pressure on the people hosting. My friend is like this, she recently went to a toddlers sensory party and refused to leave her 6 year old at home because ‘he would just be on the iPad’. Well guess what happened when he got there, joined in all the activities. It made it very awkward as the person hosting didnt bring enough supplies. She also took her twins to her 6 year olds school friend party. They weren’t invited but like you ‘oh they will be asleep’…they weren’t, ended up eating more of the buffet that most of the other kids combined, scoffed cake that should have gone home for family to eat and started having a tantrum when they couldn’t play pass the parcel because their weren’t enough layers. I really do think the entitlement that siblings are invited to everything is nuts.

I can understand being nervous about leaving your 5 year old, but your childcare issues aren’t the problem of the other parents, so like I said, let him go and pick him up later or decline the invite.

You were incredibly rude to tell her you were bringing a 2 year old. I mean seriously who does that?! You should have asked very, very politely. Even if parents were asked to stay you shouldn't have assumed they would also want your toddler. Talk about entitled.

Home parties are usually parent drop off, but some don't mind if you stay in my experience but that is usually stated before hand. If you don't feel comfortable leaving 5 year old then decline.